What do you think about my poem?

Question

I'm thinking about entering a poetry contest, but I have no idea what the quality of my work is.
So, please review. Thank you all!


Ignorance

Things are blind to the naked eye are not foreseen,
a rather intuitive individual, however, may intervene. 
A word lost in the shadows, a heart lost into fate
when everybody else opens their eyes, it may be too late

A heart blocked and blinded from life
brain forever living in a swirl of strife
unable to see, to hear, or to overcome
whatever is right in front of them

An empty vessel, a loved soul
dreams shattered, a body left cold
people blind, unwilling to view
that it was not possible to renew.

A world left dead, a ghost town
no smiles, every single frown
Blindness of man had caused this
and youthfulness they will miss

Life with no meaning, humanity in pain
they don`t realize that the ones to blame
are their very selves, for ignorance and aggression
all that`s left now is anger and depression.

Lapiz Dominoes. · Accepted Answer

Omit one of the `are` s in Line 1.
This is pretty right-on.
Experiment next with different effects of punctuations: -
you have a good poem here, not yet first-rate
but with a remarkably pointed truth waiting, just waiting, for you to get it more flowing and
a majestic a you intend (my intuition says).
Please, keep this here until more answers are in - it`s worth waiting long. and even re-posting to make this currently slightly stilted declaration far more in-your-face poetic - punctuation needed
plus more suggestions.

8 - 9 / 10.

~~*Milieu*~~ · Answer

Forced rhyme leads to nonsense such as this. Lack of meter leads to a choppy read.
Show me something, anything, you've a whole box of tools while writing poetry, use them.

potterfan · Answer

pretty deep actually :)

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What do you think about my poem?

3 Answers