How can I improve the structure of this?

Question

Or just anything I can do to improve this. Gracias! 


Strike it off the record please.
No more deals to be made here, dear.

if you are wise,
if anything at all--

No more silly lies in disguise-- please!
Every move on the board
has been played before my eyes

Toying with my foolish heart
Wretched games you won so well

None of that now, boy

The buck has stopped right there
For us.

Before you slinked so near
the way you did:  
forged a place by my effervescent side

I’ve made up my mind ( by now)
That you’ve made yours up
In the brief eternity of glance,

You mold your physique, your essence in a system it was not to be
Change so much, so rapidly, there was too much entropy
lost your sight;

dead to me
dead to me

And now it’s time to gut ( or cut) the ties that bind
it’s time

To strike it.

Strike it off the record please.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

It's a truly good effort.
I liked the mood in particular.
But yes, somehow it's come short
of poetic perfection, I must say.
My suggestion is, Jahanara, if you want to attain a crystal structure while writing a  poem - you've to be very careful that you're reciting the possible words, not humming them sometimes; you've to consciously avoid drumming your fingers to a beat(or strumming a guitar) and read out syllables like an accountant with a strong aesthetic sense. I cannot make it more clear, but my hunch is you were more singing it than actually writing. Hence the result is half-song and half-poem. Sorry, if I've misunderstood or misinterpreted.
You're brilliant.
It's good to see you being creative.
Wish you were that more often.
Best wishes as ever.
Bon soir.

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How can I improve the structure of this?

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