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Ruby
Lv 4
Ruby asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 9 years ago

Will you comment on this poem? Suburban Storm?

With perfect suburban precision,

my hand reached to draw the curtains at midnight.

this time has not enough shape to it

for these people, and it shows in the black out.

they are oblivious to my night trained eyes,

but they could not fault me on my timing: midnight

on the dot - the thunder slapped

and shook this glassy street.

Though I am not one of them, these doll-like creatures

I am no closer to the Gods

who Terrified me.

The smacking and growling continued

truly tempered now, they must have been,

With the answering silence and sleep

Forever stoic, here.

They were building themselves up into a real state

a crescendo of rage.

I turned off the bedside lamp to hide me:

Played dead to this show.

The poor trees were blasted and battered relentless,

but the houses refused to budge,

or rouse, or live,

And in their haste and fury at this impossibility,

I saw them. It burnt the retinas of my eyes

They blew us up:

Our snow globe world.

Update:

Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Update 2:

Wow, thanks for the great response guys. I love how the interpretations are quite diverse.

Janahara - thank you for your astute thoughts. It is inspired where I am living at the moment - back with my parents where I grew up - in a suburban part of the city next to an airplane hanger which was built as a decoy during ww2. So yes, very astute.

Humpty Dumpty - thank you so much, so not true though!!! I know I've a lot to learn.

Emma - Thanks for your comment, what part would you have me cut? I think the poem you cite is completely different from mine - in form, content and, well, everything.. so I don't qutie see how it's relevant.

Gene - Thanks for your encouraging words. I'm glad you think I have a unique style. Sometimes I think I do and it manages to come through, and I think the snow globe line is where it did.

Soc - thanks for the apt link. Interesting comparison.

Alpha Giorgio - It wasn't deliberately about Nuclear Winter following a Holocaust, but it is open

6 Answers

Relevance
  • Nat
    Lv 7
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Your descriptive talents shine through

    in this poem

    You have a way of voicing

    your sentences that's unique

    to you

    This poem carries a static

    charge all the way to

    your extraordinary,

    jaw dropping line

    Our snow globe world.

    This almost knocked me

    out of my chair.

    Your a gifted writer and

    thanks for allowing us to

    enter

    this snow globe world.

  • 9 years ago

    writeforums.com has a better community for poetry and the like. :D Try them.

    At first, I felt that the narrator was an outsider or a spy amongst the suburbanites. Then I realized, or I hope it was during WWII when Germany carpetbombed the major cities is the UK.

    "They were building themselves up into a real state

    a crescendo of rage." << Love the style here.

    They blew us up:

    Our snow globe world<<< And especially here

  • 9 years ago

    Excellent. Intense. Fabulous. It will take me more than a few readings to comment. I have to find my interpretation of who the narrator is. That interpretation makes a considerable difference in my reading of this poem.

    At this point, I believe the narrator is Death. The incredible turn on this is that Death is doomed to walk amongst humanity, and once humanity is destroyed and all returned to ashes and dust: so is Death. "They blew us up."

    What can Death reap when there is no harvest?

    @Emma, you cannot criticize something for not being another thing. "I hate this beef because it is not shrimp" simply doesn't work.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Is it about a Nuclear Winter following a Holocaust?

    Dynamic writing from one of our best free verse poets. Congratulations!

    Very good unfolding of lines, usage of words and conceptual development.

    You are substantial, so exercise it because there will be a future. Calmly , patiently, progress and create. I foresee success. Bravo!

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  • HD
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    I have no advice or guidance - you already write better than I can.

    Excellent.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Source(s): Soc
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