my daughter is out of control?

Question

my daughter is 16 years old. and she is completely out of control. she skips school, smokes, and cuts herself. she has long curly hair which she dyed purple, she wears black eyeliner, ripped skinny jeans, band shirts, and vans. she listens to bands like bring me the horizon, the devil wears prada, i wrestled a bear once, deez nutz, architects, marilyn manson, slipknot, and other bands that are basically just screaming. she also likes to act like these bands and practices screaming, and is in a band in which she's the only girl and does vocals. I've asked her if she's ''emo'' or ''goth'' and she laughed and said she's not any of that, and that she's just herself. she got a tattoo on her knuckles that say ''kill god'' and she left her tumblr logged in one day and she had pictures smoking weed and that's how I discovered she had her nipples pierced , she had a moving picture that showed her smiling then lifting up her shirt revealing her nipple piercings. she also got her tongue pierced with out my permission and pierced her own lip ''because she got bored''.she's snuck out numerous times and she's come home drunk. her older sister says she see's her with different guys , sitting on there laps and kissing them, and says she's seen her kissing girls also. shes been cutting herself for years, I tried talking to her about it but she just gets angry and goes to her room and turns the volume all the way up on her screaming music. she has a wall in her room completely covered in pictures of marilyn manson and oli sykes. she gets in the car with me and I can tell she's been smoking. she goes to concerts and comes back beat up becuase she says she enjoys crowd surfing and the wall of death. she's obsessed with serial killers and has a picture of the columbine boys as her cellphone wall paper, and has pictures of serial killers such as john wayne gacy, ted bundy, and others on her wall next too the wall full of marilyn manson and oli sykes pictures. shes also obsessed with a man named roderick ferrell whos in jail for life for killing his friends parents with a crowbar and claimed to be a vampire. she says she enjoys reading about serial killers and has developed crushes on some of them like on rod ferrell, ted bundy, and richard ramirez. I found birth control in her room and she was furious because I was going through her stuff. she's getting F's in school and her highest grade is a c. she sleeps until late in the day and goes to sleep late at night . she barely eats because she doesnt want to gain weight . she says she doesnt care what anyone thinks about her. she has an upside down cross on her door and has a picture of jesus on her wall thats been crossed out with marker and also says ''jesus is a cu*t'' . she says shes an athiest and hates religion and god. she gets her nails done every 2 weeks and has the people at the nail salon draw things like 666 , pentagrams, and inverted crosses on her nails. at first I thought her friends may have been badly influencing her but she has many friends that seem different from her from all diferent races and have different styles, and her very bestfriend looks like the exact opposite of her. it seems like instead of being badly influenced by friends, shes the bad influence on them. she also has a tattoo on her wrist of a twisted red heart which she says is deticated to marilyn manson and underneath the heart it says ''when you are suffering, know that, I have betrayed you''. my daughter seems depressed and gets angry very fast. I get angry with her because of her grades and I try and talk to her about her future and what she wants to be when she grows up, she says she wants to be famous and that she doesnt care about school because shes going to become famous.It just makes me so mad because shes a smart girl. if I ask her a simple question like were do you see yourself in 10 years she laughs and says things like '' I'll be dead by then'' . Ive tried taking her phone and laptop away but she just gets even worst when I do that. at school shes cursed some of her teachers out and refuses to do anything in her gym class. I first started to see change in my daughter when she was 11, I noticed she started listening to metal and discovered that she cut herself she was expelled from school at 11 years old because she was caught with marijuana, it was just so hard to believe because she was so young. shes very sensative and shy but seems to be the complete opposite when with friends. she can be very kind and sweet at times and gives clothes and money to our family back in El Salvador and also donates money that shes earned to africa, and she crys whenever a commercial about people in africa starving , or animal cruelty comes on. shes a very good liar and is convincing on anything she wants to be convincing on

Update:

my daughter is completely out of control and I really have no idea what do to. is there any other form of punishment I can give her? is there anything I can do to make her realize that what shes doing is wrong and she needs to change? please no rude comments, I'm just worried about my daughter and want to help her, all helpful answers are greatly appreciated and she also refuses to see a therapist

Maggie · Accepted Answer

Well she needs help you can tell that from the cutting. Those bands that she listens to probably make her feel better there is absolutely nothing wrong with metal. I listen to metal and I'm an A-B student. If you live in Florida she could get Baker acted, but since she's so unwilling it probably won't help much. This is coming from a thirteen year old girl but she needs help she's been cutting for years and you haven't gotten her any? If you did when she was eleven it probably would have been easier because what I assume would be depression wasn't as bad then. And listen to me when I say this, labeling her as "emo" (which is a music genre not a style) or "goth" won't help. I don't know her so I can't really understand and I couldn't even if I did know her because no one can ever completely understand how someone else feels, but maybe being with all those guys makes her feel loved and accepted. She probably turned her back on religion because she feels so alone and God didn't help her when she needed it and let this happen to her in the first place. I think she might be interested in murderers because she feels like she can relate because no one really understands her. So what if she sleeps late and doesn't go to bed early that's what we (teens) do. I really think she is a good person but I think she is depressed I don't think she's lying about feeling bad for the people in Africa. I think she hates to see people suffering when they have done nothing to deserve it. If she is depressed she knows how real pain feels. If she won't go to therapy one of the best things you can do for her is accept her. Try not to get really mad just calmly explain your opinion do everything in your power to avoid saying things that are potential triggers. She is already going to relearn reactions to some of the most elementary emotions instead of resorting to cutting.If she thinks wearing that makes her look pretty and helps her feel good about herself then let her do it,because we are surrounded by ads and TV that constantly tell us we have to be perfect but she should rather be her beautiful, gorgeous, flawed self than a perfect copy of something fake. If she wants purple hair let her have it my forty-some AUNT died her hair purple and she loved it. Her imperfections make her a beautiful person that no one can copy. I think that she is so strong to have made it through years of possible depression and cutting and still be here. You need to understand that this is her way of coping.

slagle · Answer

Daughter Band Shirt

Amy · Answer

Adults don't give children birth control to "somehow stop your child from having sex", they give birth control to their children so they DON'T GET PREGNANT OR GET A DISEASE when they do have sex. Some parents think that by giving a girl birth control, they are telling her that they approve of her having sex. The flaw in this, is that teenagers have sexual activity whether they have their parents approval or not, at least in the US and the UK. By keeping birth control away from teenagers, what you get is pregnant teenagers, not virgin teenagers. Both my son and daughter had condoms available to them from age 14 on. They knew I wasn't condoning early or promiscuous sex. They were thoroughly educated about why they should wait as long as possible, and they didn't run out and have sex just because they had condoms available. Neither ever got pregnant. I also made sure they knew to give condoms to their friend if they knew the friends were having unprotected sex.

Anonymous · Answer

She needs a reality check, fast. It seems like shes way past punishment at this point. I think the only person she will take seriously is someone who's been in her shoes before, knows how she's feeling. Also, does she currently have a strong, stable father figure in in life? If not, then she's probably acting out and being careless with different guys because of that. I think once you find people like this to influence her in her life, she may start to change her outlook.

Lili · Answer

I know this question has been asked a long time ago, but I thought maybe someone with a similar question may stumble upon this.

I think this young lady may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. There s many websiote as well as videos explaining the condition, I recommend she sees a psychiatrist or, if not available, another mental health professional.

MadameErotica · Answer

She appears to have an anger problem and there's signs of either you've let her get away with too much in the past or not nurtured her enough to become a well respected person.
I myself am a member of the alternative scene but i am far from reckless, i assure you.
She just seems like a very bad-tempered and rude young girl that you've not been strict enough with in the past.
There's very little you can do on your own without seeking advice from a professional.

Rebecca · Answer

Taking away her phone and laptop just makes somebody with depression feel lonelier. Trust me. take her to counselling, regardless of what she thinks. She needs help and quite honestly you must take her to therapy and counselling. She clearly has a problem with suicidal thoughts, self harm and probably eating. Take her to therapy. I recommend CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). It changes the mindset of a person from something negative to something positive. It teaches coping methods that aren't destructive. behavioural therapy aims to change someones psychological behaviour. 
Another thing is, don't diss the music she likes. As somebody who also likes bring me the horizon and other rock bands I find comfort in them. I'm also sorry but I'm going to be honest with you; I'm quite disappointed that you haven't forced her to go to therapy, nor done anything about her self harm and drug use and that you are asking on how you should punish her rather than help her. Help her. DONT isolate her

Ivy has Twin Boys! · Answer

I hear one thing that can work is to make sure she has a life goal. Usually this means some sort of career goal. What does she want to be when she grows up? Find out and support it fully. If she works toward a productive goal she will lose interest in the other things. It will also increase her self esteem.

Liàng Quantum Proton · Answer

Have you considered that there is a demon controling her or near her. They like to pray on the "destened to be great" people if you know what it means. You might have also done something or she has been around the wrong people. That is crazy. Just pray those questions  to god he seen worst. Trust me. And the harder Satan is trying is the more special your daughter is. Trust me if your daughter is destened for nothing then why is Satan trying so hard

Anonymous · Answer

How does she get all the money for these tattoos and whatnot? Something is going on there that you are unaware of, I promise. All that you said sounds bad enough on it's own, but something is missing from this story. She sounds like she needs a reality check. I'm sure you could put her into a rehab that might make her look at things differently, because her attitude now is dangerous. Just because a child refuses to do something, doesn't make it bad for her. That is why children have parents. Sounds like you need to put your foot down and not let off of it. Just letting her run is going to kill her eventually.

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my daughter is out of control?

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