I screwed up with my daughter?

One of my daughters is the same age and she really tries my patience sometimes.

What you did I don't know, but here is how I see it:

Your daughter dropped put of college for some reason and instead of telling you she kept it to herself. When you finally found out you yelled at her and threatened to cut her off, instead of sitting down with her and having a mature conversation about her motivations to do so.

My guess is that you did not yell at her for the first time instead of listening and trying to understand. And from your reaction to the news it seems that her going to college was more your ambition than it was hers.

She probably kept it to herself, because she had a good guess how you'd react and didn't know how to tell you.

She ran away two years ago, you say. This is clearly rebellious behaviour and quite common in young people that age. I guess you had harsh words for her about that, too.

In families where the children feel understood and loved without condition this type of behaviour is far less common, by the way.

Please don't get me wrong, I wasn't making any accusations. Raising children is hard work and sometimes patience wears thin and we can lose track of what's important. From time to time we may even forget that we were young once ourselves. I understand all that.

What you need to do now is some brutally honest self-reflection on your relationship to your daughter. Try to figure out, on your own first and, if she is willing to, in quite talks with your daughter later, what caused your relationship to deteriorate. If that is done you have a much clearer picture of what her stance is towards you and opens up the real possibility of improving that relationship.

I wish you, and your family, all the best.

I am not an expert in family psychology but I can give you perspective from a younger person. It sounds like she needed support and encouragement at the time she dropped out from school. Some people are not made for college. However, I do not know her so I don't know if she dropped out because she couldn't handle the workload or because she was just plain lazy. Considering you were upset about it, I would assume she was lazy, and your reaction makes sense. No parent wants to see their child make irrational decisions that could have lasting negative effects on their future.

As for feeling like you made a terrible mistake, you should be kinder to yourself. Everybody makes mistakes and everybody has times when they react harshly to situations; especially when it involves the welfare and future of your daughter. There are several things you need to remember:

1. She is still young. Most 20 year olds still act like rebellious teenagers, even more so because they feel that since they are of legal age to do many things that they can make the best, and most informed decisions about their life, which really isn't the case. This is a tricky situation because one has to try to guide the young adult to good decisions, not force them. Forcing them may lead to resentment.

2. Her pride is clouding her outlook on the situation. It's not entirely your fault if she doesn't see that you meant well. You obviously wouldn't have gotten as upset if you didn't care. Hopefully she will see that soon.

3. You are already under enough stress with work and your wife's illnesses. Your family is a team. Your team is up against the bad economy, cancer, the failure of finishing school, a daughter who ran away, and a million other things that you guys face everyday. You can do your best to play your part but realize you can only do so much. Like I said earlier, you can be so harsh on yourself. The rest of the team has to do their part too.

In the end, the best thing to remember is to look at the situation between you and your daughter and grow from it. Learn from how she reacted the last time you flipped on her and take that experience with you the next time you are faced with a challenge in your relationship. Perhaps you can take her out to dinner and have a talk with her to describe how you were feeling and why you reacted the way you did. Communication may help clear the air.

EDIT: I'm with Lalia. Freud needs to stop giving "advice". He sounds like a dumba$$.

I kinda laughed when you said "She's 20 and she got a really big tattoo" because tattoos aren't necessarily a bad thing. But anyway. Look, I don't think you're a bad dad, there are really just people out there who rebellious/irresponsible. You're right, it's the parents' job to raise a good child but it's the child's responsibility to take in what the parents teach them. It's really up to the person whether they want to grow up to be a good person or a bad person. I'm not saying (exactly) that you're daughter is a bad person but I definitely think you have to give her a little more tough love. Don't just threaten, do. Example, now she's out of college. You want her back at college right? The best thing to do is just give her tough love. If she asks you to give her money, don't give her money. And two years ago when she ran away with a scumbag, and she came home, what did you do about it? If I were you, I wouldn't even have let her come back home. And when she dropped out of college and you yelled at her, what was her reaction? Obviously, this girl of yours isn't scared of you. I would never want a child to be deathly scared of their parent but right now, you need her respect if you want to her to accept your help. I don't really know how to explain it but the keyword here is DISCIPLINE. I think you're the kind of Dad that's a softie, right? My Dad was never like that. Whenever my sister or I did something wrong, he'd whip us with a belt and yeah it hurt but I would never consider it child abuse because it was a form of discipline. Good luck! :)

Why she drop off college? Let her know she

Maybe need to complete her college or

Otherwise she should depend on herself,

push her find a job,rent her own apartment.

You don't have to angry,things will be fine,

no matter how,she still your daughter,help

her when neccessary,but since she is an adult,keep a distance with her,that is for her

own goods. Your might find other job to

support your wife,do the works while you can.

You shot yourself in the foot like a short-sighted dummy and now you learned to regret that. You can't do anything to undo it so suck it up and learn how to get by with what you have.

Wallowing in self pity is a good way to damage what you have - you could have a lot less than you do. Learn from your first screw up, don't repeat it.

The problem was the focus. Your "eye" was focused tightly on yourself the first time. If you look so focused at you this time, the damage could be equally regrettable.

Well, just talk to her. Simple. That's all you can do and hope for the best. Tell your daughter how you feel, see how she reacts, tell her you need someone to help you through it because I'm sure no matter what, she want's to or will want to, because she loves you. Family is forever, you can't get rid of them. You can always ALWAYS fix things. I hope your wife is okay, I'm sure she'll make it through! Be strong for her! You can do it with your daughters help!

I hope things go well.

EDIT: To the guy above me, shut the hell up. That's not advice, get off here please.

you have a f'uck'ed up life.