Need advice dealing with negative, toxic family members?

Question

I am a female in my early 20s. My issue is that some of my female family members are toxic. I'm sure a lot of people have this problem, but I need advice as to how to deal with them. Let me explain some of the stuff I'm dealing with so you can get a better idea. I have issues with 3 females, my mom, her older sister, and her older sisters daughter. I have other female aunts and cousins but they tend to keep to themselves and don't partake in drama. My moms sisters daughter, is almost twice my age, and has grown kids of her own. She used to smoke crack but shes been clean for a few years. She just hates me, plain and simple. She's not my favorite person, but I've tried being nice. I've bought her birthday gifts and went to her birthday party, etc. I am not entirely sure why she hates me, it started when I was a teenager. Frankly, I think she resents me and is envious of me. I don't want to sound conceited, but my life (so far) has gone much smoother and positive that hers did. I have no kids, I have a good relationship with my boyfriend, we have a nice apartment, and most recently I got signed to a reputable modeling agency in my area. It isn't a huge famous agency, but I'm still excited. But my cousin however, she had drug problems, she never started college because she got pregnant when she was 18 and kept having kids till age 37. She lives in the same house she moved into when she was 18, a house her dad payed for. She treats her husband and her kids badly, in my opinion. Anyways, you can tell she really doesn't like her life. So she takes it out on other people, like me. The last time we spoke, I was trying to leave my aunts house when she opened my car door, started screaming cuss words at me, saying that I am a little b*tch and everyone hates me, that I do not love my mother, and she just kept spouting off all this rude stuff. After yelling at her for a bit, I decided it wasn't worth it, and I drove off. It saddens me that a 40 year old acts like a 16 year old, to a 22 year old. Then there's her mother, my aunt. She doesn't really hate me, but she resents me a little as well, I think for similar reasons. Also, she is constantly making condescending and negative comments. She isn't as bad as her daughter, but she does seem to always feel the need to "be right" and prove people wrong. Especially ME, for some reason. You can tell by her statements that she is trying to make others feel inferior, whether she realizes it or not. It is never constructive criticism, its always a snide, smarta** remark.  Her and my mom hang out together, so they gossip about people. In my opinion, my aunts negativity rubs off on my mom. My mom is already an emotional person, she lets EVERYTHING get to her. She is crying about something every day, she doesn't even understand what I mean when I tell her to think positive and remove the negative thoughts from her mind. She thinks I'm being mean and insensitive, and then she guilt trips me. When all I am trying to do, is get her to stay positive. Then when she gets together with my aunt, the drama and negativity just compounds. My moms emotional, co dependent nature latches onto my aunts controlling obsessive nature. I really feel like their relationship is toxic. So all of this, gets transferred to me in various ways. Whether its condescending, snide comments on Facebook from my aunt or cousin, or my mom calling me 3 times a day to cry about something, It is EXHAUSTING. How can I deal with this? I know I can't change them, so how can I change the way I deal with things so they wont effect me as much??

Grace · Accepted Answer

Just don't be around them more than you can help. When they say or do something mean to you, just smile and say, "I sorry you feel that way" or "I hope you feel better."
Unfriend on FB anyone who isn't friendly! Duh!
Be supportive of your mom by trying to get her in a better frame of mind. Give her positive thinking books to read. Refuse to listen to he being negative. Tell her to just write all her negative things down, tear up the paper, and flush it down the toilet of but it in the garbage. Help her plan a healthy life style also. Of course, if she want cooperate, you really can't do anything but keep being positive and telling her you hope she will get better.
Personally, I like "How's that working out for you?" for a questions that helps other redirect.
I also tell people i will pray for them and I do it. I am not sure whether they will accept the help they might get from that but it helps me.
Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission.

You change the way you deal with things by doing  what you know is right. Dwell on what is beautiful and healthy. Exercise,eat, pray,and  meditate in ways that work for you.
You can't stop the birds from flying over your head, but you don't have to let them nest in your hair, And if while flying over they happen to drop a little s--- on you, a nice shampoo will fix it.

sophieb · Answer

the words toxic, issues, and drama have been new words added to the dictionary within the past maybe 5-7 years, and the word hate is only used by children and minorities that want to start trouble.  Older folks like me  don't understand what they mean since we just lived life and understood and accepted that people were people and didn't go about putting names to them and their behavior.  Try that, it might work for you, or eliminate some of the things you dwell on and see because maybe you should look the other way.  Psychologists too have a hayday in putting names to things so to make money.  And people write books to influence the public and to make money.  So return to maybe the 1990's would be my suggestion.

If a person says or does things that are out of the ordinary it's either alcohol or drugs talking, or in the alternative they have been hurt by something someone did, and it's time to listen (not to the bad words, but to what they're saying as maybe you owe someone an apology or since you should have done something you didn't then maybe you need to take action and make it up to them...ignoring never works it only adds fuel to the fire).

Mircat · Answer

I don't have time to read this but when the question involves toxic family members the answer is the same to everyone.  Eliminate the contact to the full extent as possible.  Do not fb, tweet, text, e-mail, phone call, or chat in person.  Block all access.  Change phone numbers, passwords, email addresses.  Make contact as limited as possible.  Do not share information.  Answer questions with yes, no, maybe and volunteer nothing else.  If they attempt to draw you in with digs, slams, lies, ignore it.  Tell them I'm not discussing this then leave.  Period.  Do not return calls or messages.  Put your earphones in, go workout, read a book, take a shower, walk around the block three times, call a friend, take a nap, walk the neighbor's dog.  Nobody has the power to do anything over you unless you give them the power.  Your job is to take away as much of that power as you can.  You don't have to tell them you are, you just do it.  Toxins are poison to your system, you have to detoxify yourself in as many little ways as you can.  Don't involve yourself.  When they eventually get the picture things will slow down.  Toxins are happiest when poisoning things around them and they get angry if they have nothing left to poison so expect an upswing in the toxicity levels for awhile but they will subside if you hold out long enough.

Good luck with the cleanse!

Dovahkiin · Answer

I stay away from toxic people no matter who they are. You do not need to be in contact with your aunt or her daughter. Limit contact with your mother and if she starts whining or complaining keep it short. You say your exhausted and you are allowing these people to overwhelm your life, and you are right, they won't change, so you have to remove yourself from it.

Anonymous · Answer

Boundaries? Don't put up a wall, cut them off completely.

? · Answer

Unfriend the toxic ones on FB and when your mom bitches to you ask her what she expects you to do about it or ask her what she thinks she should do about it. 
Essentially, minimize the contact.

Anonymous · Answer

misunderstanding create bad moment .
so please avoit it .
i am sure you  will create a good family relation

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Need advice dealing with negative, toxic family members?

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