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Home at last. He worked halfway across the country for only three days a week, but coming home at the end of those three days was clear water and manna from heaven to refresh him, body and soul.

Christopher and Vernon were at the living room window, waving frantically. He saw Vernon turn away and a couple of seconds later the children were waiting at the front door with Shell, his wife of ten years, long chestnut hair blowing a little in the breeze, silky floral dress clinging to her long shapely legs.

David waved as Pyrus silently slowed to a stop, more concerned to miss a pothole close to the pavement than whether his family waved back. He lumbered tiredly up the short path, noticing the Laurel hedge was neatly cut, the flagstones free of the main road litter that accumulated from nowhere in a matter of hours. Vernon and Christopher grabbed a hand each, chattering, leading him to the comfortable sofa in the front room, while Shell closed the front door and headed for the kitchen to make tea and sandwiches.

He loved these homecomings. Whatever happened at work; whatever was to happen at home, he felt this first hour of arriving, meeting Shell and the boys again would be the touchpoint memory that would keep him sane in an old age of confused senility.

The boys bombarded him with questions

“Dad did you get my garage fixed? “

“When are you going back Dad?”

“Did the masked man win the war Dad?”

“The your garage is in the car. I’m not going back until next Tuesday. Yes the masked man won the war. He always does.”

Shell put a huge plate of sandwiches on the coffee table and the lads left him in favour of

Marmite or Salmon Paste.

2 Answers

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    Im agreeing with Pat.

    SPacing is lacking in this paragraph.

    What about...

    Home at last. He worked halfway across the country for only three days a week, but coming home at the end of those three days was clear water and manna from heaven to refresh him, body and soul.

    Christopher and Vernon were at the living room window, waving frantically.

    He saw Vernon turn away and a couple of seconds later the children were waiting at the front door with Shell, his wife of ten years, long chestnut hair blowing a little in the breeze, silky floral dress clinging to her long shapely legs.

    David waved as Pyrus silently slowed to a stop, more concerned to miss a pothole close to the pavement than whether his family waved back. He lumbered tiredly up the short path, noticing the Laurel hedge was neatly cut, the flagstones free of the main road litter that accumulated from nowhere in a matter of hours. Vernon and Christopher grabbed a hand each, chattering, leading him to the comfortable sofa in the front room, while Shell closed the front door and headed for the kitchen to make tea and sandwiches.

    He loved these homecomings. Whatever happened at work; whatever was to happen at home, he felt this first hour of arriving, meeting Shell and the boys again would be the touchpoint memory that would keep him sane in an old age of confused senility.

    The boys bombarded him with questions

    “Dad did you get my garage fixed? “

    “When are you going back Dad?”

    “Did the masked man win the war Dad?”

    “The your garage is in the car. I’m not going back until next Tuesday. Yes the masked man won the war. He always does.”

    Shell put a huge plate of sandwiches on the coffee table and the lads left him in favour of

    Marmite or Salmon Paste.

  • 8 years ago

    Spacing, spacing, spacing.

    It's really hard to read something all jumbled together. Look at any book with dialog and you'll see there's an empty line after each person talks and after each paragraph. I can't see where your paragraphs end because you didn't add an empty line after them. Also add empty lines after each question or section of dialog.

    I

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