Gay child and acceptance?

Question

My daughter is an adult and living on her own.  Actually she is enlisted in the military and is Gay.  She  has met her life partner and they are planning a ceremony later this fall.   It took me quite a while to come to terms with this as she was raised  Catholic as was I.   After alot of back and forth and fighting within myself and praying, believe it or not.  I have settled within myself that her life after she leaves this earth is between her and her God and I have no control over anything there.  I have my beliefs and she is well aware of them.. but I love and support my daughter to the end.  I am so very happy that she has found someone who adds that extra light to her life as my husband does to mine.  My question:  My husband has absolutely no use for Gay or Lesbians, is disgusted by them and has no problem sharing with others how he feels.  When my daughter first came out.. WOW did sparks fly.  It literally seperated our family in half for a long time.  It took a lot of talking and going through sh-t to get to where we are toda... we agree to disagree about her life style choices.   He likes my daughters partner and agrees that she is very good for her and he says he is very happy that they have found each other  BUT he is refusing to have anything to do with the "wedding ceremony" and says he might attend the reception, he is unsure about that.   I do not want him to do anything he is totally dead set agains, however,  I feel like he is deserting me.  I have supported him through things in our marriage that I wasn't 100% aboard with, but did so for him.  Am I wrong to expect the same in return?     My daughter is NOT upset at all that her step-dad will not attend.  She said she doesn't want anyone there that does not back them or support them and love them as equals-- she does however, feel bad for me and wishes it could be different.   

Today,  my daughter called and said that the military is beginning to look at the fact that gay spouses should have some rights as hetro-sexual partners do and they are slowly making things available.  This could mean however, that they will need to get married in a state where gay marriage is legal and recoognized.  We live in a state that DOES NOT.   She is very excited about this change and couldn't wait to call me and tell me.  In talking with my husband shortly afterwards,  he went completely silent.. when I said he name again, to make sure we hand't been cut off  he just said he doesn't think it is good at all and doesn't believe there should be any rights shared and we then basically quit talking and hung up.  I feel very empty about what just happened.   It is pretty obvious that I will never be able to share that part of me with the person who is supposed to love and support me no matter what.  Am I expecitng too much here?  Am I being unreasonable to ask him to be there for me?

Orla C · Accepted Answer

You don't live with your daughter's father? 

The main thing is that you are supportive of your daughter. No, I don't think you're being unreasonable (and I think he's a bigoted pig, especially as I know plenty of hardcore Catholic men who have no problem watching girl-on-girl porn, but however) but you know him ... he is/was your husband. You probably will have to go through the whole thing without him. But the fact that he can't get his head around marriage equality is HIS problem, and not yours. You worked hard for yourself in reconciling yourself to this, and I understand from what you have said that it hasn't been easy for you, but you love your daughter and want her to be happy - which makes you a super mother in my eyes. You put aside your own misgivings so she could be happy. You Rock. 

Leave your husband be if he doesn't want to be involved in it. It's a pity, but it's his loss. And Mum, you'll find a lot more support out there than you realise. And you never know, he could come around eventually.

Anonymous · Answer

When I originally answered I didn't notice that it's his STEP daughter.
He's nothing, let him be.  You be there for your daughter.
It made a huge difference when I thought it was his own blood.

We as human beings need to realize that FAMILY is important, religion is not important and is actually EVIL the very second that it causes divisiveness.  Why is your husband disgusted by LGBT folk?  Is it because he's afraid of what his friends / coworkers are going to think?  Case in point, my cousin went through a period where her husband basically abandoned her with two young children so he could go play Harley Davidson Fire Fighter boy.  She busted her butt between her job and taking care of the kids and begged him for the help that never came until one day she said enough's enough.  Being the proper kid she is she told her parents first, and the first thing my Uncle (by marriage only thank God) said was......oh my God, what are the guys at the Machine Shop going to think.....what did I do wrong?....my cousin burst into tears and left.  Things are better now (she's OK, her ex and her Dad are DEAD, natural causes), but you see what I'm getting at?  Your husband who has probably degraded the "dykes" and "queers" in front of his friends now faces the reality that one of  these "things" just happens to be his step daughter (".......what did I do wrong?......).  Or, if the hate is coming from religion?  Tell him to suck it up and go to confession the first chance he get's after he witnesses the "unholy act".
You are not expecting too much.
Did you try just asking him where all the hate is coming from?  If you do, listen, don't talk, listen, try to find out what's behind it.  I'll be it's some kind of real or imagined peer pressure.

Anyway best of luck Ma'am and convey my wife and I's best wishes to your daughter and her partner.  I hope this works out for you all.

RoofingPrincess · Answer

Yeah, you're being unreasonable.
You cannot expect him to change his viewpoint, especially one held so strongly, and especially fairly quickly.
He has accommodated you already to a certain extent - you have come to the point where you agree to disagree.  When you shared the latest news about your daughter's wedding plans (and the fact that she's not his daugher is significant as well), his accommodation was to be silent instead of going off on an anti-gay rant. You pushed a little harder and he did speak his opinion; to some extent, you knew already what he'd say and pushed him to say it anyway.
You supported him "through things in our marriage that I wasn't 100% aboard with".  Your daughter's impending marriage isn't YOUR marriage.  Yes, she's your child and you love her, but her marriage should not affect yours at all.  Loving and supporting you doesn't mean he has to agree with everything you do or believe, nor does he have to go everywhere you do and do everything you do.
Your daughter is right - there shouldn't be anyone there on their special day who doesn't back them or support them and love them as equals.  So her stepfather shouldn't be there.  If he attended, it would be hypocritical.  He'd be there grudgingly, just to keep you happy.
Sounds like your daughter is handling this in a more mature fashion than you are.  She recognizes that you can't have it all.  You still think you can.

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Gay child and acceptance?

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