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When you read this what do you think of?
Her eyes filled with colour, beautiful vivid colour. Blues and purples swimming in an ocean of green, singed with flecks of ginger. I was enveloped when the unthinkable happened. She blinked and in an instant my world came tumbling down. The sharp shards of dewy grass pierced my naked body and I stiffened with shock. The heavens then took advantage, anchoring me down, permitting it’s hands to wander, wander and caress.
I’m alone again, alone in the dark barely able to see the shadows that danced around the cave. Maybe it’s for the best? Maybe some things are better left in the dark?
I waited in anticipation for her to open her eyes again but she never did.
4 Answers
- emily bLv 48 years agoFavorite Answer
Its very beautifully, and well written. The only part that is confusing is the middle part from after "...world came tumbling down" to "I'm alone again." I'm not sure what you're saying is happening here? Grass doesn't pierce anything, if you touch dew covered grass it'll bend under the weight of your finger. And I'm not sure what "the heavens" is, why it'd take advantage of him, how in the world does it anchor down, and it's not a person so it wouldn't caress. When you try to personify something like what I assume is the sky, it might be better to give it even more description. Capitalize the H in heaven, or make it a clearer image. Or something like, "On my back, I felt like all of the heavens weight sat upon me, anchoring me down. It's hands cradled me suddenly, wandering, wandering, and caressing." Its more clear that the sky is attempting something, we don't know what or why so its still confusing but the personification is clearer.
- 8 years ago
Did you write that? It was really interesting. I think of someone who is really in love with this girl but maybe she doesnt know it? Is she dying? Its awesome :)
