I finally told my husband he's a failure as a husband?

Question

After six long years of being disregarded, disrespected, put last, and made to feel  unimportant and invalidated - I finally said enough is enough, I want a divorce. I am his second wife, and apparently to him that means second best. I come last, each and every time. Not just occasionally, or sometimes, EVERY time. My feelings are not valued or considered important to him.

This time, the last time, he immediately (as usual) yelled and blamed me for being upset about being disregarded for the ten thousandth time, and I told him that despite being a good son and a wonderful father, he is a failure as a husband. I know that to a man it is a kick in the testicular area, but I meant it. 
I have cried, begged, and pleaded with him over the years to treat me with kindness and respect.
He is a good man, don't get me wrong, and I tell him "thank you" every time he does something sweet, and I treat him like a king. He is good to me - at his convenience, when no one else (his parents, his kids, his ex-wife) is around.
I love him with all my heart, but he is toxic to me.
I don't know what's so wrong with me that he feels that it's ok to put me last, disrespect and disregard me, but I just can't take it anymore.

He says he's sorry and that he loves me. I told him that actions speak louder than words.
If he were really sorry for causing me so much pain, wouldn't he make a conscience effort not to do the things that  he knows will hurt me?
If he truly loved me, wouldn't he make an effort to treat me with respect?

ron-D · Accepted Answer

If he really loved you, then respect for you would come naturally.  You don't take your spouse for granted, and you don't make them feel invisible.

saurabh_malkar · Answer

He would have shown his love through actions if he had loved you. Look, it is you who can figure out what the reality is. It is best not to take advice or opinions on such matters on an online forum. And one thing, telling him he is a failed husband was a bit too harsh. While you think you figuratively hit him between his legs, I think you just made it easy for him to forget you and move on. He will use the anger and resentment to forget you. If at all you wana leave him, you could have just ranted, like a wife, and left. On second thoughts, do give the divorce option a thorough thought. Wish you all the luck.

Anonymous · Answer

Sounds like you're caught between knowing you have a good man and knowing you ask too much of someone else when you ask THEM to make you happy.  How about taking a trip to the shrink and getting that boderline personality disorder formally diagnosed so you can get some help?  In the meanwhile, do that man a favior and let him try the neighbor girl on for size.  God knows you don't have what it takes to be fair, much less happy.

Randy F · Answer

Sounds like you're a spoiled brat that has little consideration for anyone other than yourself. You have browbeat this man to the point, about this immature BS, till he no longer cares about you and you only option is to threaten him with divorce which isn't going to work for you either.

A · Answer

If he truly loved you he wouldn't have to make such an effort to not hurt you or treat you with respect he just would.

Anonymous · Answer

are you sure your not just emotionally needy and no  man can make up for your self centered emotional demands.  Men are not able to love and respect someone who demands it.

Wasted · Answer

Are you sure you're not the failure as a wife?

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I finally told my husband he's a failure as a husband?

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