Any good religious jokes? Should be fun?

Be Careful Following The Crowd

A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down.

Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too.

Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.

After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. "I take it you don't speak Spanish," the preacher says.

The missionary replies, "No, I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," the preacher says. "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up."

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Biblical Headlines Written by Today's Media

On Red Sea crossing:

WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE

Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:

HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:

FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY

400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:

HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS

Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On raising Lazarus from the dead:

FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK

Will Reading to be Delayed

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This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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He who is without sin

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Father, please, I should have said that different, I didn't mean it that literally..." Jesus cried, "I was trying to make a point here!"

I've got one on ' hypocrisy '. It was a wet,stormy Halloween night and an elderly couple were going to a Halloween costume party, she as a princess and he as the devil (red suit and all). The party was to be at a friend's house, who live out in the country. As the elderly couple drove out on this lonely country road, there car broke down. It was dark, rainy and stormy. The old man said to his wife, "I noticed a light showing through the woods a way back, I'll walk back there and get help." After a short walk the old man noticed a light was coming from a litttle country church where a service was going on, so he went up to the front door and flung the door open and just then a gust of wind blew and a clap of lightning struck. The old man standing there in his devil costume with horns and forked tail scared the congregation and they all ran for the back door, some jumped out the windows, all except for this one little old man standing there with his cane in the middle of the isle, he said," I've been going to this church for 40 years, but I've been on your side all the time!"

The minister was having trouble for the congregation to listen to him, so he decided to preach a sermon on hell and damnation. So that Sunday he preached that those who sat down to eat and drink with the drunken, the Lord would come at a time when they were not ready, so they would be send to hell, where there would be weeping and gnashing of teeth"

One lady in the congregation piped up saying, "But Pastor I have no teeth" the Pastor answered just as quick "The teeth will be provided"

After an interfaith conference, a Catholic Priest, and a Jewish Rabbi are sitting down to dinner

The Catholic Priest orders ham. Then the Catholic Priest looks at the Jewish Rabbi and says: you Jews hold so tightly to the laws dietary restriction, when are you going to have a piece of ham with me?

The Jewish Rabbi looks at the Catholic priest and says: I'll eat pork with you at your wedding.

John was attending sunday mass and after it driving until his car broke on his way home.

John started look what was wrong but couldn't find the problem and he started swearing and began to be frustrated, local vicar found John yelling and swearing and told him "Don't swear my friend, please pray".

Well John did what vicar suggested and started praying and tried to start the car, by a miracle car started and even vicar said out loud "Well I'll be damned, I wouldn't ever believe that it would actually work"

Here's a couple:

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.

What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals, he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closer. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically and his muscles burned as he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!"

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The river ran again.

And the sounds of the forest returned.

And then the bear dropped his right paw...brought both paws

together...bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food, which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful..

An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”

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A little girl kneels be her bed, clasps her hands and prays:

"God, please give some money to those poor women in the magazine grandpa reads so they can afford to buy some clothes."

I post my jokes on FB , won;t you join me , better still join my very very private Watchtower study group , I would love Jordie & your comments .

A little boy catches sight of his nanny naked. "What are those?" he asks pointing at her chest.

Somewhat embarrassed, she thinks quickly and tells him "They're my balloons".

"What are they for?" the little boy asks.

"Well", she answers, "when I die, they'll help me float up to heaven".

The little boy seems satisfied with this explanation but later on in the day, he goes rushing to his mother.

"Mummy come quickly", he says, "my nanny is dying!".

"What!" says his mother, "what are you talking about?"

"Well", says the boy," Daddy's blowing up her balloons and she keeps shouting 'Oh God I'm coming'".

A "top contributor'' level joke