Should I confess the affair I had with my pastor?

Question

I used to go on a mission trip each summer from the time I was in 7th grade until I was in college. The pastor who ran the mission trip reached out to me after my last year at the trip and said he felt he could help me know God more and asked if I'd be open to meeting with him. I said sure as long as he would let me interview him for my project for school.It was normal the first time we met- we met at a diner by my school and we mostly talked about my school project. The next time we met we talked a little about God, but much more about his personal life and the struggles he was having with his wife. Somehow from there it just got all messed up, maybe because I was messed up- I don't really know. My memory is always a little fuzzy as to how it really began. At the time I was still a really screwed up person. I was getting high almost every day and taking razors to my skin whenever I really wanted to try and feel something. I don't say that to explain away my behavior, but more for you to understand where I was mentally and emotionally. 

After meeting a few times, our conversations became always about his personal struggles, and his questions about my personal life. We started having an affair. But it wasn't really- it was more about sex in exchange for things. He'd buy drugs for me (E) or leave me cash every time we met. Sometimes we'd meet in a motel in remote places in NJ or some in the city when he was going to grad school at Columbia. He always told me God was using him as an instrument to show me His love. I was a messed up young adult, and although I knew it was wrong, I just wanted so desperately for someone, anyone to love me and tell me my life meant something and there was a reason I was still alive. I felt for the first time like I really mattered. This continued for several years until I realized that every time we met it was a little bit shorter, a little less conversation, and more just an act and some exchange of money.And then suddenly, I wasn’t worth anything anymore.I began to sink into a really deep depression. I got into a huge argument with him and refused to talk to him and ended it. 

Now I have been back at church (with a different pastor that was my actual youth pastor during the time I was going on those trips- he started at a new and different church from my childhood one) and my current pastor recently announced that this church would be going on the trip that I used to go on and all of these feelings came back. I feel like my current church shouldn't go. I feel like that pastor of the trip really abused his power to have an affair with me(he has a full family and children my age) and specifically sought me out because I was such a messed up kid. I want to protect the kids from my current church. I told my pastor I felt they shouldn't go on the trip and he asked me why and I was jut very vague and said something happened awhile ago and I don't think it'd be best. Should I confess what actually happened? I don't want anyone to get in any trouble and I was 18, but at the same time I don't want any kids to go through the same feelings and emotions I do/did, What do I do?

Certified Jewish Geek · Accepted Answer

The "pastor" in question was very likely breaking a couple of state laws (if you were under 18), and was most definitely breaking the laws of any church I've ever heard of. He should be reported to secular authorities if you were under 18 at the time the affair occurred, and should be reported to his religious organization (if he is part of a hierarchical religion) regardless of your age at the time. The abuse of power of an authority figure over a minor under his authority (or in some cases a person under the age of 21) is a serious offense against both secular and religious laws. If you DON'T report it, he's just going to do it to someone else, so get busy.

And yes, I realize you're probably just a troll - but on the off chance that you're not, the creep should be reported to the proper authorities as the situation warrants.

? · Answer

Great Question. Tough Question. Here's the deal. There is a wound there. There is a breach of trust. That has to heal. There are numerous people directly wounded that need healing. The pastor, his wife, his children. The wife with whom the pastor had an affair, her husband (if married) and their children. Now, the church could be graceful and forgiving, but they still have a wound and a breached trust that they would need to grieve through. That's going to take time. Also, the pastor would need to figure out what happened that caused this affair. Here's a perfect world: the pastor will take a break. He might get some counseling to help figure out what happened. One difference might be whether he comes clean, confesses, and is proactive in his personal healing. Or, if he is found out. If he is found out then there is little chance he'll be able to return to the pastorate. If he comes clean, gets accountability, counseling, etc. He also might need to not meet with women alone. You have to be careful b/c there actually could be a lawsuit involved if you're not careful. So, the congregation ideally will move towards healing for both the congregation and the minister. It might be best for both parties if this healing is done separately, but it is cool if it is done together and if the group can move forward together. It's tough. It really is. People see ministers as a role model. People can forgive, but it is tough when someone you look up to- even if it is very clear that you're not perfect- it's still wounding to watch someone you look up to fall. The ministry is such an easy place for that to happen. I work for a church and it is something I am aware of and want to work hard so it never happens. I need to prevent it by working on my relationship with my wife, having hobbies, and not meeting alone with women.

? · Answer

Conflict or anger itself does not have to cause an irreparable rift between partners. With good communication skills and a shared commitment to a marriage, even these are surmountable.  How to save your marriage https://tr.im/2wMLE 

However, at that point where one partner is at the brink of abandoning the relationship, how can the remaining partner save their marriage? If you are at the point where your spouse has asked for a divorce, what can you do?

You must realize first that, you do have a choice. Often, when confronted by a crisis, we find ourselves backed into a corner thinking we have no choice in the matter. How can we change the situation when it involves another person's feelings or decisions? While we cannot, must not and in no way manipulate, blackmail or threaten our partner into changing their mind, we can actually control how we react to the situation. If anything, you must realize that you still have control over yourself. You have the opportunity to look inward and take responsibility for your own feelings and actions and even have the chance to take personal inventory of what your partner is trying to tell you. Are there points in your marriage that must be changed? If so, respond appropriately and proactively.

? · Answer

Dear Sister, the best option is to confess out, else God won't be happy with u that u are covering sin. and that pastor is most likely to do same thing to other girls even today

John · Answer

If it is in the past why drag up the past if no Laws were broken?. A pastor who was found to be having sex, (actually he never saw it as 'adultery' as he was only getting oral sex from another pastors wife, 'getting some skull' I believe this is called), found himself, and the obliging pastors wife, in the midst of endless gossip when they were found out. 

Why drag up the past?

Jesse · Answer

1

Anonymous · Answer

You should confess that you created a new account just to troll.

Anonymous · Answer

Man!  Where were the girls like you when I was a pastor?!?

Cassie · Answer

:(

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Should I confess the affair I had with my pastor?

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