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What do you think of this opening paragraph?

"There's a place for us. They keep us away from the all seeing eyes of the nation and burrow us into a country house stranded in the middle of a desert of golden grass. We don't 'fit in', we were 'different', 'special' some may say. Us the cripples, the terminal and the mentally ill. We are abandoned. Our families stolen and our lives torn away without a shred of hope the hell we were in would end. Nothing about us is 'normal', we're outcasts. We are ugly, disgusting, nobody wants us. That's what they think. Maybe their right. Perhaps we are outcasts." Myles lectured us as if addressing a large audience, which was in fact is just Harris and myself. His voice is loud, and there's no sign of his stutter. If I had just met him on the street I would have thought he was your average teenage boy, not dying. Harsh, to just come out with dying straight away but he is. That's the truth there's no hiding it anymore. We all are, some faster than others. In our case we were all in the fast lane, destination; unknown.

Any feedback would be marvellous and really helpful. Thanks

2 Answers

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  • Kingly
    Lv 4
    8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Some parts didn't make sense. It seems a little rushed, but if it was edited and organised a little more (as all us mortals need to do) you'd have me interested.

    Ah, I understand what it was that was bothering/confusing me; Alan Tom got it.

  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    it's "they're right" not "their right".

    Also, you have tense inconsistency. It's either present or past, but not both.

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