Should I divorce my wife?

Hello Rajesh,

You tell us the things about you and from your side, we have to look at another side of coin also.

2 things are important

1 st is "she refused saying that the problem is mine and not hers" and 2nd one is

"On both occasions, she didn't come to see me let alone take care of me",

These 2 things shows that she is fed up with you, whether you accept it or not. May be you hurt her unknowingly or may not able to satisfy her during sex. If she ask you for your fitness , do you went to doctor and confirm the same.(as you gone through 2 major surgeries.)

Her parents also know about your major surgeries then also they support HER, it means they know the reason behind it.

SO call them for discussions with HER, and ask them the reason behind it. IF you come to know the reason then you may get solution for the same, if you keep the problem as it is then you will never able to have sex with her. Also Tell her parents that if she refuse for sex then I will go for divorce, This will tell them that things are out of control now , and they have to do something to save their daughter's married life, this is the another way.

After that you can decide whether to stay with her or not. Whatever she has done is totally wrong , no doubt about it, but Give her chance to clarify her side first. That will be right thing. Also don't take doubt about her unless and until you have solid proof, otherwise your married life will be curse , even though there is patch up between you.

Meeting with Marriage Counselor will be helpful for you. So go and meet counselor, if she doesn't come , no problem , first you meet to counselor.

Keep in mind Law will give you DIVORCE but not FAMILY.

All the best.

1

You are right, marital counselling and having elders talk to her isn't gonna resolve the situation. In fact, the problem is beyond repair and I believe divorce is the best way out.

Hire a lawyer and try to file a case on grounds of-

1. Cruelty

2. Neglect

3. Sexual neglect

I also think she might be having affairs outside and that angle would need to be investigated. If proven so, adultery would be the fourth charge.

I didn't understand two things - 1. Did she leave you and the kids at the time of your surgery or did she take the kids with her? and 2. What were the surgeries in regard with?

You don't have to suffer such neglect, harassment and torture. Try to contact the Men's rights activist. Google the website and send them an email and get some help. And talk sternly to her about the phone calls and affairs and get straighten things out. Be a Man!!!

There is something seriously wrong here, refusing or not having a mood for sex is not a big deal this happens sometimes when people are in tension of some sort. But she left you when you went for surgery is totally crazy, how did her parents allowed her to stay there when you were in need of a family and care. You also say that she is talking to other men and you don’t even know who they are, maybe she is having an affair or maybe they are some relatives and I don’t think you should make a big deal out of this before you are very sure about the person she is talking to and the things she is talking about.

As you said, you can either let this continue and be treated like a money making machine who provides her shelter, food and cloth’s or resolve this issue even if it results in a divorce. Remember one thing if you let this continue then maybe you will start to fight a lot and when she is not giving you the respect you deserve your kids will also lose the respect they have for you, so there is no point in living like this when the kids whom you love and want to be with will also start treating you like your wife does.

Just put your foot down and talk to your wife face to face, she I believe is at her parent’s home which makes it even better. Tell her that you are fed up of the situation and you deserve a reason for this and want a solution, because she should not behave like she is if she loves you or if she is not happy with you then if she wants then she can end this marriage and live happily with her parents. Be very firm and polite while discussing these things to her and her parents as anger makes you think and say stupid things which will take a bad turn against you, if they all out and scream then let them but do not lose your cool. You should just ask questions and let her answer, like have you ever mistreated her, have you ever beaten her and shouted on her, have you ever been a bad husband etc. etc.

And when all the above answers are no and if her parents interject politely ask them to wait and let her answer as she is grown up and can answer for herself and since you are her husband so there should be no hesitation in answering some simple questions. At the end also make it very clear to her parents that you never thought that they might be so inconsiderate that they allowed their married daughter to leave her home and live with them for so long and that to at a time when you needed her most, and they never told their daughter to go back and take care of her family. They are elders, her parents and they should have talked to her and tried to know the reason.

BUT be cool and polite, no anger, don’t stop for lunch and definitely no night stay, travel back the same day or stay in a hotel if required if you have some self respect left. Before you leave, make it clear to her parents that this is not the way a girl from a respected family behaves, and if they want their daughter to be with her family then they should talk to her otherwise they are free to do whatever they want to do.

@Jay is inciting you to MARITAL RAPE but I'm not surprised because he's probably Indian, another Indian pig...and he knows poor India doesn't have a law against marital rape. However ALL Western countries have laws against this: Rape is a crime. It doesn't matter if the victim is your wife..

My advice: be straight with her: ASK HER WHAT IS WRONG ?? Does she misses how you used to be before, maybe you gained weight, maybe you're not romantic anymore, maybe you don't take her out anymore...it could be a lot of things, I can't guess: Only SHE knows. Just ask her what she would like, even in bed, especially in bed, try to make her want you: she has no desire at the moment and you might be able to change that: try new things that she is going to like. Once you will able to turn her on she will desire you again.

It might not even be in her control maybe she's not attracted to you for a reason that can't change then you should divorce. You won't lose your kids, you will see them, it's a shared custody.

So your Indian living in America...I take it. Well you need my friend to think like an American. You have to fight to get those kids. Men have a disadvantage with court proceedings. Unfortunately.

So you need some proof of cheating.

Get with it.

Start now documenting all calls with copies of those calls. Anything even pictures of her with someone. Do not let on what your doing. When you go to court here in America you need to be prepared!!! Meaning all the evidence you can muster you need to get. Your lawyer can also sit her down to document things. So get with a lawyer who knows Family Divorce and pay cash.

Do not talk about this to anyone.

File for physical custody on the kids. She will get either some custody or visitation for sure. But you will have them.

Hopefully she works. If not she could get maintenance or alimony from you. If she works she won't.

Speak with a lawyer. good luck

oh this is so so sad. i cant imagine the frustration that you must be feeling. but being a woman myself i am trying to put myself in her shoes. i think she really loves you but has reasons to behave the way she is. is she from a big family background? she could be the pampered sort? is she insecure about your job and the people (esp women) that you know may be a threat to your marriage?

well anyways, what you can do is speak to her and tell her your feelings and whetehr it is because of your inadequacies in your area which you can work on, just so that it will make things better,. tell her that it is hampering your family life , now she cannot be so selfish so she needs to listen!

tell ehr that if this carries on then it is not good for your children and that maybe speaking to her family will also help. you need to let her know that the childrens lives are also her responsibility and that because of them yours and her parents may have to intervene to sort the problem between you two. bfore approaching her family, try and talk it out with her. for Gods sake stop leaving this problem and silently suffering. you need to work togetehr to amke things betetr.

all the best and i hope your life will be more fulfilling and your self esteem and worth will remain in tact. whatever it is try and see the situation from her side too because she may be suffering in silence as well. good luck!

You dint tell us what this surgeries were about. However like in most of the movies these days check whether she has some disease which she doesn't want to share with you.

If she had left the kids with you n dint even bother to turn back there is definitely something fishy.

I would suggest go to her, let her parents also be a part and discuss why is she doing this nwjy is she trying to move away.

Make her n her family realize the pain you are going thru

What 'no1advice' said, she hit it. I smell a snake in what your wife is doing coming back, it makes no sense. American law is designed to protect the rights of ALL involved--IF--ALL know the rules--ALL DON'T know the rules. The free advice that "no1advice" is giving you is CRITICAL for your rights. Do not take them lightly!! Also a 'good' private investigator may help. You could just as easily lose everything. Do as she said forthwith. Good Luck

She needs to see a doctor and find out what’s going on, no arbitrations here. Sex is a normal and reasonable expectation ion any healthy marriage- -yours is chronically sick and seems to be on life support.

If there are no medical reasons, then you and her MUST make an appointment for couples counseling and find out what’s going on.

Then only after all of this is done- - you may contemplate divorce.

Let her know that NO is the same thing as a trip to the lawyer.