Need some feedback on a question regarding my fiance's children?

Your fiance needs to deal with this. The invitation should be extended to the children, but if they (or their mother) refuse then there's nothing you can do but smile and say, "OK. Whatever makes you comfortable."

Never badmouth the ex-wife, even if she's calling you names straight to your face. Ignore her and let your fiance deal with her. Always remain classy, for the sake of the kids.

The 18 year-old can do what (s)he wants, but the 17 year-old is under the mother's complete control for now. They are both very young and probably feel pressured by their mother.

It's really not a big deal if you meet them for the first time on the wedding day. It's not going to make a difference if you meet them beforehand. Just always be kind to them and let them know that you want them to be comfortable. When they are grown adults, then they can choose whether or not to meet with you or accept invitations to your home.

Like they say, you can't control others - you can only control your reactions to them.

It sounds to me like you're doing "all the right things", but you're also walking into a minefield of unhealthy dynamics. If this ex was abusive to their dad, this has a trickle down effect and of course the girls will have a somewhat toxic relationship with her. Add in the complication of dad finding another woman and some sibling competition and you could be the greatest person on earth, but it won't matter initially. So don't set up unrealistic expectations that your wonderful personality will win them over at the first meeting (been there, done that with my own stepmom).

I do think you have a valid point about them meeting you for the first time at your wedding. Your fiance needs to have your back on that one. Otherwise, be patient. If these girls were 10 years younger, you might have a long term problem on your hands, but they're at an age where they can start making their own decisions. Your fiance needs to tread carefully here, because all contact needs to come from him until you've established your own relationship with them. Just keeping it real, that may not occur until after the wedding.

So, 17 and 18 is an age where if anything you wouldn't be getting closer to your father. And since he's marrying a new wife (and kind of starting a new family, or a new family unit) they feel even more separate from him.

The exwife is definitely petty, but it sounds like she has more control over their kids, so she's shading their opinion of you.

So, even though it sounds like they've been poisoned by their mom about you, these kids are practically adults now. They are free to make their own decisions. If they don't want to be close to their dad, that's their decision (based off of their mom, they might feel hostile to him too). All you can do is extend the olive branch and keep giving them chances to get to know you.

It's uncomfortable that they'll only meet you at the wedding, but I don't think you can smooth over the family drama before then. I'm assuming they'll at least show up to support their dad, and since it's a wedding there's only so much you can do.

My wedding was the first time I saw my husband's dad (his parents are divorced and he's kind of estranged from his dad) and I didn't even get to talk to him since he stayed away from the reception.

I think your step-kids still need some times to get used to the idea that their dad is seeing someone new (even though it's almost 2 years now).

I think it would be a lot more important to meet his kids if they were younger.

The fact is one of them is an adult, and the other will be an adult soon. Although technically you will be there step mother, you won't be expected to do any parenting at this point.

My advice is to make yourself available to his kids, but don't try to push or force the issue. I also suggest treating them as the adults that they are.

That would be a major red flag to me if your fiance has no custody or visitation rights or anything, which he obviously doesn't because he hasn't see his kids in over a year. And he says SHE was hostile and abusive? Yet SHE got full custody and he never sees his kids? Or maybe he does have custody rights, or visitation rights but he doesn't enforce them at all... that's still a red flag. Something is not right about that guy, I don't care how crazy and hostile his ex wife is, any decent guy who cares about his kids would fight for his right to see them and enforce his visitation rights.

To answer your question, it is obvious that your fiance has not made enough of an effort to make his children feel like he cares about them. Therefore they do not care about him, or you, or anything that's going on in that regard. So your only option is to move forward with the wedding, whether or not the kids want to be involved. Maybe someday in the future, when they are older they will come around. Maybe not. If I were you I would call the whole thing off, something is seriously a miss here.

Would you prefer that they come around and treat you terribly while in your presence? If they don't want to be friendly with you at least they are choosing to stay away instead of make your life miserable. You can't make them come around. All you can do is be friendly and kind to them when they eventually do so they can make up their own mind about you. Don't take it personal. Remember that any woman their father was with they would react this way to.

I wouldn't force it. If they live with mom, they probably feel mom is right and dad is a putz. So they're going to resist him doing anything that upsets the ways things are now.

As they get older, I suspect they will start to see things for what they really are.

I understand that what you are going through is very difficult, but you cant please everyone. These 'children' are almost adults now, and it is really up to them as to how they act or react to you, their father and your upcoming union. In time, Im sure that they will see on their own that their own mother was wrong in her thoughts and words towards you, and a reuniting will occur.