How to deal with a dying parent..?

Question

My step-dad (who is the only dad I've ever known) is dying. He's 68 and losing weight rapidly, barely eats, and sits in his recliner all day and doesn't get up unless it's to use the bathroom. He doesn't look good. 

I need to prepare for it. My mom is closer to me than she is to my brother, and I know she's going to lean heavily on me when my dad's time comes. I don't do well with grief. My first instinct is to make jokes and try to lighten the mood (humor is my coping mechanism), but that's not going to cut it. 

Basically, is there a site or forum that helps you mentally prepare for the death of a loved one? (Preferably nothing religious. I'm an atheist and my mom knows it, and I wouldn't want to be disingenuous.)

Elana · Accepted Answer

I don't have any grand words of advice, but when you say "humor isn't going to cut it", you're right, but getting rid of humor entirely will make things worse.

The trick is to figure out when it is appropriate and when it is not.  You might need to think twice (three times, four times ...) before you crack the joke, but ... it might be the thing that brings the smile to the otherwise bleak situation.

All of my grandparents are dead, my parents are dead.  My uncle is dead.

I'm still here.

I loved them all very much.  I sorely miss them.

And yes, I can crack a joke about the fact that at some point my brother mistook the plastic bag containing my grandmothers creamtion remains for something else and threw it away (we rescued it) - or the insufficient parking at the funeral home at my in-laws funeral and the wife of the deceased ending up getting towed.

You need to be yourself - just don't be inappropriate.

I realize that that's a hard line to see.

I'm sorry about your step-dad!

Anonymous · Answer

hi, I have never been on any sites so I can't offer any help there. What I will say is, make sure you talk it through properly and go see someone if this happens. When I was 8 my dad died and I never spoke about it properly, and 10 years later I am still extremely sensitive and cut up about it. I firmly believe that if I had grieved properly and had councilling of some kind that it would be a lot easier. There are no tips I can offer you except be as strong as you can, it honestly does get better in time gradually even if it feels like you will be miserable forever. Help your Mum out, look after your siblings but don't take the whole load and act strong when you feel like you're falling apart.

I wish you and your family the best, and I hope that it works out ok. Good luck, and stay strong.

Anonymous · Answer

just pray&leave everything in the lords hands,he shall help you in the best way he can

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How to deal with a dying parent..?

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