For years I have had a battle going on in my soul. I converted to Judaism and was in awe of the spledor.?

My question is this in 1996 I went to a jam bad an took mind altering chemicals. I didnt know what would happen to me, I was very innocent I have not the same. i dont have any friends. There is documented proof of psychedelics expanding the consiousness and also Biblical proof of prophecy. To make a long story short the very first time because of I dont know yet. I have had a following it has incomprensible to most. But it affected everything to come. It is the most intimate closeness you can have but he despised so much and was abusive and i only heard and felt it. I tried to save myself by finally being intimate with someone. I was saved in a way by G-d he put someone else to cover up the yelling and name calling I was 21 hes a famous person our birthdays are four days apart. I felt his presence but he went to his films. Everything great until 10 years ago then some more people moved in. It sounds crazy but Im 36 now hes 38. The others are much older. Reading helps I never obsessed about famous. I was just innocent. Not perfect not smart. I get treated like garbage inside and out. It isnt so bad anymore I found comfort in Jewish wisdom. I dreamed about but avoided it because I didnt know then what I have gained. Im not ever going let anyone hurt me again. I will suffer without rather than be exploited. I read in a book a theory about the lineage of Jesus being the creation from incest on both sides of the family. The theory says light will spring from the darkness of human sexual intrigue. Who has open minds about virgin rape and torture. Its belongs to me I have to own it not make it some elses burden.