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zimafl
Lv 4
zimafl asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 8 years ago

Husband / father in adult dysfunctional family?

I'm not sure where to turn. My lovely wife of 30 years and our beautiful 21 y/o daughter, do not get along. I don't know what is behind the animosity, likely resentment and anger, but I don't know why. Our daughter gets mad at so much of what my wife says, whether kind or not so kind.

Last night, things fell apart again, over something small. I'm at our home up north, wife is visiting daughter in FL, so I'm not there to witness anything, I get calls and texts. Finally last night, my wife told me that I must support her by not communicating with my daughter at all. She hung up on me, and I didn't do anything to anyone.

Question: Is my wife correct? Should I stand loyally by her and as she asked, no longer communicate with our daughter? They are scheduled to see a therapist this Tuesday, though I'm not 100% sure our daughter will go. I'm going to try to compel her to do so.

Back story, my wife is estranged from her adult siblings, but it is mutual and two of them are horribly hostile and miserable women.

Update:

Thanks for writing. I'm beside myself.

Correction: I meant that my wife's sisters are hostile and miserable women, not my wife. She is very much the victim in her birth family, but it's almost as if a pattern of dysfunction follows her. She has also been in recovery from alcoholism for nearly 20 years. She is not hostile or miserable, but she does have bouts of sadness, grieving for losing her siblings.

3 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Zimalf, absolutely do not abandon your daughter because your wife is angry with her. That is also not fair of your wife to even suggest that you consider doing this. You should never be put in the middle of their disagreement. If the two of them are supposed to see a therapist together, let them go and get things done there. But I do not know what your wife is thinking by asking you to abandon your daughter and pick sides. This is extremely immature behaviour for a mother, who should love her child unconditionally. Please do not try and convince your daughter to go to the therapist, if I were you I would just ask her once and if the answer is no then it was not meant to be. It sounds like your wife is actually jealous of her own daughter. I also think it may be a good choice for your wife to go see the therapist on her own first and then bring the daughter in. Also by not choosing sides you are not wrong by not doing this, ask your wife how she would feel if you asked her to do that. It is not proper to do this to your own child, it is borderline abuse to your daughter. I just read the end of your question again and you have mentioned that your wife is horribly hostile and miserable so yes I do think therapy for her first. I wish you the best of luck it can not be easy living in an environment such as this. Send money stay up north (kidding just trying a bit of humour to get you to smile.) GOOD LUCK to you and your family in this matter.

  • ?
    Lv 5
    8 years ago

    Well, you said yourself that your wife is from a dysfunctional family, so maybe she doesn't communicate with your daughter so well?! I would stand beside your wife, but not to the point where you don't talk with your own daughter. Basicly, your wife sounds way out of line and unhealthy, so guide her as best as you can. Some mothers CAN be very terrible to their own daughters

    Source(s): Daughter of a manipulative, abusive, emotionally unwell woman
  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    Your wife is mostly right. the part is right is "I must support her by not communicating with my daughter at all. and she can estrange her siblings." but the question is has/will she finished her education?, Can she survive by herself?

    Your wife has the right to estrange her adult siblings though. It brings closer to absolute nuclear family. anyways...

    Do not try to communicate with your daughter until she is ready? Just give her as much time as she needs before you can invite your daughter to go.

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