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Rate a poem - how it reads 'out loud'.?
As the last of the vampires
Walked into the sea
The first to have entered, emerged.
An intercontinental crossing
Whetting appetites anew
The abstinence adding flavour to the urge.
In new lands unsuspecting
The horde slakes an untold thirst
Wading in unbridled to the cull
Drinking until victims remaining
Are so few & far between
Or until - if they may ever be - Full
It seems an age to any falling prey
So many lives
Cannot surely be so swiftly lost
For shouldn't new life balance
In those lands just bled near dry
Do these foul spirits never count the cost?
It seems not and that they'll endure
When there are droughts
There are even meaner vampires
What grows back gets cut back
But only in good times
When populations swell like seashore samphire
2 Answers
- ?Lv 68 years agoFavorite Answer
It reads well out loud. As well as being unusual it is a good length, not short but not boringly long. I would only alter one or two lines but it is your poem, these are only suggestions from one person.
'The abstinence adding flavour to the urge.' This is a strong line but I would prefer it if 'The' was deleted. Abstinence adding using the same sound at the beginning of these words makes this line even stronger in my opinion.
In the third stanza I would end the sentence at 'lost' and then begin the next line with Shouldn't. Again this gives a stronger feeling to an interesting question.
'It seem not and that they'll endure' I'm not keen on this line at all. Would it read out loud better if 'It appears not, they'll endure' it's the word 'that' breaking the flow.
These are only suggestions. It is excellent and my criticisms and suggestions may annoy you but I like unusual poetry and this deserves to be raised from excellent to super excellent! Best wishes with your writing.
Source(s): I was an adjudicator in poetry competitions a few years back and although I judged poems, obviously I could not make suggestions as above! If confronted by your poem in a competition it would definitely be placed on the top pile for consideration for a first or at the very least a high position.
