Yahoo Answers is shutting down on May 4th, 2021 (Eastern Time) and beginning April 20th, 2021 (Eastern Time) the Yahoo Answers website will be in read-only mode. There will be no changes to other Yahoo properties or services, or your Yahoo account. You can find more information about the Yahoo Answers shutdown and how to download your data on this help page.

Rate a poem - how it reads 'out loud'.?

As the last of the vampires

Walked into the sea

The first to have entered, emerged.

An intercontinental crossing

Whetting appetites anew

The abstinence adding flavour to the urge.

In new lands unsuspecting

The horde slakes an untold thirst

Wading in unbridled to the cull

Drinking until victims remaining

Are so few & far between

Or until - if they may ever be - Full

It seems an age to any falling prey

So many lives

Cannot surely be so swiftly lost

For shouldn't new life balance

In those lands just bled near dry

Do these foul spirits never count the cost?

It seems not and that they'll endure

When there are droughts

There are even meaner vampires

What grows back gets cut back

But only in good times

When populations swell like seashore samphire

2 Answers

Relevance
  • ?
    Lv 6
    8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It reads well out loud. As well as being unusual it is a good length, not short but not boringly long. I would only alter one or two lines but it is your poem, these are only suggestions from one person.

    'The abstinence adding flavour to the urge.' This is a strong line but I would prefer it if 'The' was deleted. Abstinence adding using the same sound at the beginning of these words makes this line even stronger in my opinion.

    In the third stanza I would end the sentence at 'lost' and then begin the next line with Shouldn't. Again this gives a stronger feeling to an interesting question.

    'It seem not and that they'll endure' I'm not keen on this line at all. Would it read out loud better if 'It appears not, they'll endure' it's the word 'that' breaking the flow.

    These are only suggestions. It is excellent and my criticisms and suggestions may annoy you but I like unusual poetry and this deserves to be raised from excellent to super excellent! Best wishes with your writing.

    Source(s): I was an adjudicator in poetry competitions a few years back and although I judged poems, obviously I could not make suggestions as above! If confronted by your poem in a competition it would definitely be placed on the top pile for consideration for a first or at the very least a high position.
  • 8 years ago

    amazing!!! Great job!!! Keep it up!!

    Source(s): Me
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.