Husband and Mother in law thing it's okay for her to visit for a MONTH at a time?

Question

My mother in law recently moved out of state about a year before we got married. My husband has decided there would be an "open door policy" with her visiting, even though before we had even moved in together I expressed that I would not be comfortable with her visiting and staying in our home. Our agreement would be she would not stay longer than a week. She has stayed in our apartment no less than 12 days every time she has come to visit (which has been five times in one year). 

This last trip started June 30. After about 9 days, I started getting really annoyed by her presence. I asked that she possibly spend some of her trip with my husband's brother and his fiancee. After lots of arguments, she reluctantly went to his house for two weeks. She then returned back to our apartment and has been here for 8 days.

She is a school bus driver and has the summer off, so wanted to spend it with her kids and family (which I understand). I'm in no way trying to keep her from spending time with her family, but it bothers me because we are newlyweds, starting our own lives and families together (same with his brother who is getting married later this year). His brother can also get free hotel rooms for her, as he is the manager of a nearby hotel, but she chose to stay in our homes instead.

She has already brought of the topic of leaving her fiancee and moving back home, and wants to live in our house until she is back on her feet with her two dogs.

My husband is so mad for me "setting limits" on his family that he wants me to set limits with mine. I don't see this as setting limits, I see this as being a rude guest that thinks they can stay as long as they please. 

Can I also mention that every day that she has been here that my husband and I are at work? She literally sits on our couch and watches TV while we are gone all day. I don't see that as visiting. She makes her own food and doesn't eat with us. She sits on the phone for over an hour every night too talking to her fiancee. She smokes on our porch (which in turn makes our apartment smell). And throws away her cigarettes in my kitchen garbage (which smells repulsive, in my pantry where my food is). 

Uh.... how do I go about resolving this!

sweetpea · Accepted Answer

I would be pissed off too!  Your husband married you, not his mom.  It's very lousy that he is not siding with you in this matter; obviously, he hasn't cut the cord yet.  Not to mention, If she leaves her fiancé and takes up residence with you, she will never leave.  She needs to stop being lazy and find a summer job and a job to do during her off hours as a bus driver.  All your husband is doing is enabling her to be a mooch and a disruption to your marriage (your first year of marriage at that).  I would tell him one more time how you feel.  If he cannot "correct" this problem, then you need to come up with a consequence.... Maybe you can go stay in a hotel.  See how he likes his mom shacking up at your place without you there.  Maybe your brother in law can give 'you' the free hotel room.  Tell your husband he needs to leave his mommy and be joined with you. And don't back down, even when he gets pissed off.  Best wishes!

Anonymous · Answer

She can be "controlling" only if you and your husband let her be that way. I suspect that this isn't the first time she has meddled in your marriage or in your plans. In fact, I suspect she probably was allowed to do this at your wedding or even earlier ... and that just set the tone for everything else after that, including the current Christmas dilemma. Some people have suggested that this is your husband's battle to fight, but I don't entirely agree with that. It's something that both you and your husband should deal with. Present a united front to your mother-in-law -- not only with this current Christmas thing, but all the time -- and she will get the message and back off. All couples planning marriage would do well to set the tone early with in-laws. Let them know right from the start -- before you even get married -- that if they want to help with things, great, but that meddling and trying to run things is another story and won't be tolerated. That goes for wedding plans, holiday plans, how you raise your kids, where you live -- everything. .

rkrell · Answer

I can't blame you for being upset.  We all have a right to have our own space.  The issue really comes down to one between you and your husband.  You just have to keep talking till you can find some middle ground.  Personally I wouldn't want anyone staying with me more than 2 weeks.

Ocimom · Answer

You need to sit down now with your husband and discuse the "rules of the house" and his mother, etc.  - if you don't things will get worse.  Dont' yell or get mad - talk about it.  Tell him that if its not discussed then your marriage will be in serious trouble!

Key is communication and compromise.  As far as smoking - its YOUR house and YOU set the rules - no smoking period!

Anonymous · Answer

ugg...that's a tough one....when we first got married, my sister in law moved in with us about 3 months after...at first I didn't mind....but one month turned into 2, then 3, etc....long story short, it was 2 years!!  I tried to be patient, and understanding..I didn't want anyone one to be mad at me....
I would talk to my husband, but he would say.."leave her alone".....I was really upset....

I was always kind to her....she never lifted a finger....never cooked a dinner, did the shopping, cleaned, etc.....Finally, after a couple of years she moved out....can you believe that after 20 years of marriage, that she never even invited us to her house for dinner?   

Anyway, it's a tough situation...I'm sure your husband doesn't want to hurt her feelings, either....If she only comes up frequently during summers, then maybe just deal with it....if she goes back to work in September, then she can't come as often....when she does come, be sweet, but make your own plans....go out with friends, etc....help pass the time in some positive way

l8tr g8tr · Answer

Put a butt can out on the porch and ask her to use it and dispose of it weekly at the outside dumpster...

Otherwise I see no problem.  She buys her own food, watches TV while you are at work, and goes about her business...I don't see the problem.  I don't see where she's in your business, argumentative or a burden.  She seems pretty self-sufficient.

In any case if it's this much of an issue for you (and I'm not sure why) then make sure you have multiple nights of LOUD OBNOXIOUS sex.  Give it a whirl!

mmm · Answer

I would not be ok with my mother or father or his mother or father staying with us for any extended period of time - especially if she can go to a hotel room for free

I would tell my husband that if she wanted to leave her fiance she needs to save up her money before doing so . . .you live in an apt. for crying out loud . . .

its not like she is jobless or homeless  . . .she can do what she should of taught her children to do - save up and then go for it  . . .

Somethingtosay · Answer

You are not being rude.  People should not feel the need to come and visit for that long of a time.  Especially since she already has her own relationship and life and isn't sick.  You need to have a talk with your husband and then with your MIL so they can understand what is most comfortable for you.  You are the woman of your house, not your MIL and she needs to respect that.

? · Answer

How do u go about resolving this? GROW UP! She moved out of state for goodness sakes! My grandma does that often and my dad don't really like it, but u know what? He loves his wife and kids so much that he decided to be a big boy and just let her stay! Get over it or u will be in divorce court soon enough!

EDIT: Smoking outside dont affect the inside of ur apartment! I am technically allergic to cigarette smoke and my grandmother is a chain smoker. When she smokes outside on our porch, it has ZERO affect on the inside of my house. Quit making stuff up or exaggerating.

Anonymous · Answer

Of-course, they should. Because, every mother loves her child, and every child should care his/her parent.

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Husband and Mother in law thing it's okay for her to visit for a MONTH at a time?

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