In love with my best friend..whose gay. Please help?

Sexuality is always a complicated and complex issue. Everyone has their own definitions of gay/bi/confused/ etc. Personally I see someone who is gay as someone who has physical and mental attraction to someone of the same sex. As in they want sex with the same sex, could be in love with the same sex and marry the same sex. Your friend doesn't seem to fit this category. She says she couldn't even marry a woman, to me then she can't possibly be gay. I'm a straight female and that would be like me saying "I would never marry a man", which of course makes no sense. As for the definition of bisexual, I see that as a person that is interested in both sexes in a sexual and romantic sense and can find attraction in either sex. Then you have pansexual, whereby they can find any gender attractive and find their partners based more on the meeting of minds/souls/minds and don't think gender plays any sort of part in it. If like you, you WOULD possibly consider being with a man, that doesn't make you bisexual. You're still straight. It just means if the situation arose (which it most likely wouldn't) you wouldn't be completely closed off to being with someone of the same sex.

I think that battling with sexuality is something A LOT of young people deal with, particularly in today's society whereby sexuality is a lot more open and we are able to experiment with our sexuality. I know from experience with people close to me that sexuality isn't always black and white for everyone. For example some people may find males more sexually attractive, but find they connect more emotionally with women or the other way round. Or maybe someone is straight and has always been straight, but then one day for some strange reason they really connect with someone of the same sex and fall in love with them. It does happen.

To me it sounds as though your friend is experimenting with her sexuality right now and trying to find out whether or not she is gay or not. It's impossible for me to say whether or not she's gay/straight/bi/pansexual, because she's the only one that can confirm that. But if I had to guess, I'd say she obviously finds women sexually attractive and enjoys having sex with them, but maybe she connects emotionally with you/other males?

I hate relating real life to a film. But have you ever seen Chasing Amy? That's about a guy who falls in love with his lesbian best friend and although she labels herself as gay and she's always had relationships and sex with girls, she ends up falling in love with him. That film really opened up my eyes and made me realize that sometimes love is complicated. Sometimes we may fall for someone who isn't a person of our sexual preference and it can be confusing. But love is love at the end of the day. It's a feeling and a connection that cannot be explained and I think for a lot of people gender doesn't come into it. And I agree with you, that although I'm straight, if I met a woman that I fell in love with I would go for it. Love is a rare thing to find, who am I to turn it down just because it's a woman and not a man? I couldn't be that closed minded. And that doesn't make you bisexual at all, it just means you're more open minded to all the possibilities. And I think that's what this is for your friend. It's all about her being open to all the possibilities and trying it all out before she settles and makes a choice.

I think that you should ask questions. I mean, she is your friend after all. Just ask her how she feels about her sexuality. Does she think she's gay/bi/straight etc? Does she think her preferences will change in the future? Has she ever had sex with men and if not would she consider it? How does she feel about you? Would she consider being with you?

A lot of young people that label themselves as bi will eventually sway towards one sex. I hate to call it a "phase", because there are a lot of people out there that genuinely are bisexual, but generally most people will end up being either gay or straight.

Personally I think you're in a very hard position. And I do think it would be easier for you to move on from this girl. You'll always be waiting for her to suddenly turn around and say "I'm straight! And I love you!", but what if that never happens? What if she is gay? That means that nothing will ever happen and you'll end up with your heart ripped out. I definitely think you should consider that it may be best to move on from this girl and find another girl that is less confused about her sexuality.

I'm sorry I can't give you any better advice. But this is a very hard situation to advise on. But I hope that everything works out for you. I really do.