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Does this poem tell a story "Treachery Gone Afoul"?
I've spilled this cold chalice of bitter wine
And let my blood flow over chosen ground
The blade once kind shall be slayer of mine
My curse by the treacherous heart you found
I'd ask forgiveness, but my soul has died
A tortured duty for a cause composed
And wrought with dishonor in sheath of lies
I've betrayed your trust, My evil exposed
This body will decay, Your life is spared
To rule this Kingdom with a royal hand
A cruel departure from a shield we shared
Now lay before you, Never to command
I call death now to extinguish my sight
As I find in your pained eyes no delight
3 Answers
- ThomasLv 77 years agoFavorite Answer
Fredric
Well written. Sad, disturbingly emotional.
Most of lines are writtin in iambic pentameter
so the non ones create a different beat but
is pretty minor, the lines still flow well, The
only solace I find is the one who lived tood
no delight in the pain and death of the
protagonist.
- NatLv 77 years ago
A good, taut write In mixed meter AB-AB rhyme.
You're composing a bit lower than your ability.
The flow overall is okay, but there are
lines I might rethink:
"The blade once kind shall be slayer of mine"
"And wrought with dishonor in sheath of lies "
("in a sheath of lies"...or... "in sheaths of lies"
Your final couplet is good but might
work better simply reversing lines:
"As I find in your pained eyes no delight,
. I call death now to extinguish my sight"
(I would eliminate "to". It would add great flow)
Just a few thoughts, perhaps two more
spots to smooth....So, intoto,
good momentum, slightly rushed,
a bit more "polishing up"
and well worth the read.
