"Wandering Off" a poet once wandered too far. Care to C/C?

Question

.



Wandering Off

He was lost in reverie, walking aimlessly.
Then he saw a sign: "You are entering Heaven"
But he was jolted to reality all of a sudden,
Stones have started falling like Hell.

Out of habit, or plain inquisitiveness
He noted where the stones are coming from
And started towards that direction.
And he came to a boundary sign: "Hell"

And surely enough, he saw some devil.
And the cartload of stones that it pushes.
"So this is where the stones are coming, eh?"
He shouted to the devil, with some reproach.

"But we have to eat, sir" the devil answered.
"You mean eat these stones?" he countered.
"No sir." said the devil. "We throw these stones
to the other side and they come back as bread."




.

Thomas · Accepted Answer

Questor

Good, thought provoking and interesting poem.
Does God feed the folks in Hell?  The fella who
wandered off?

Am glad to see you vacillate from your patented
sonnets once in a while.  On this, there seems
to be a question of which person you are writing
this in, 2nd or 3rd....and might change S1, L4
to "Stones [had] started falling like Hell" and S2, Line
2  "He noted where the stones [were] coming from.

Mere suppositions from a Packer fan poet trying to
improve....lol..........Go Packers

This will be reported and deleted, but enjoy while it
last,,,he he

Congrats

? · Answer

well you get 100% for having a title to your poem,  all poems need a title.  Remember less is more in poetry.  get rid of He.  just to give a hint.

Lost in thought, walking aimlessly.
Then a sign: "You are entering Heaven"
 Jolted to reality  
Stones  falling.

? · Answer

It is original. It sounds good. It is entertaining.

I like it.

Try more powerful diction. ( Just a recommendation)

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"Wandering Off" a poet once wandered too far. Care to C/C?

3 Answers