How can I stop being overly competitive and start enjoying life? - Please read.?

Hello all,

Before I begin, let me clarify that neither am I trying to look cool/awesome/sexy or anything of that sort, nor am I bragging about how successful I am. I genuinely need help, and that's why I am here. I express my sincerest thanks and heartiest gratitude to you for taking your time to help me out :).

I will give a brief summary of my professional and personal profile to help you better understand what causes this problem for me.

O.K. - So, I am a senior graduating this spring. I am completing my undergraduate career (in engineering) in 2 years 6 months (as opposed to 4 years) with a Cumulative Grade Point Average of 3.90; I am a regular writer for 2 of my college magazines, and a chief organizer in the events that take place within the region; my university also has honored my performance with an Overall Award of Excellence (among the 150+ students in my major), and I have been selected for an honorary program by an institution in collaboration with Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT).

I am known by many people in my university - students and professors, as a good student. However, personally, I feel very insecure - on multiple grounds. I have a long history of being bullied - physically and psychologically. I was NEVER a fighter, and because I'm not so well built (20 years, 166cm, 60kg, endomorph - right now), I was hardly ever able to fight back. It so happened that these guys in school were also good at studies (I don't get it, how?). Whenever I tried to fight back, they would all (4-5 guys at a time) jump on me and I'd lose instantly. Because of incessant stress from bullying, I had a REALLY bad record in the last 2 years of high school (we call it grade XI and XII). As a result, I get intimidated easily whenever such a situation arises and do my best to move out of the area to avoid any conflict.

So, in short, I know it sounds stupid - but, I am a person who is a complete pansy (lol). What's worse than the feeling that you won't be able to defend yourself (or a loved one) when the situation arises? *Sigh*..

That's when the problem started. I became the biggest and probably the worst over-thinker in my university (and probably also made it to the top 10 ranks worldwide). I over-think so - so - SO much! I always (and ALWAYS) think of the negative side of ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING even before trying. It occurred to me that I would have to be the absolute best and beat all the competition to be able to secure a job after I graduate, and so, I tried my best - my professional career is all about me sacrificing EVERYTHING (friends - never had any, nobody wanted to be friends with me anyway, happiness, relaxation, and whatever else that brings joy to your life) for a HIGH CGPA. To this date, I have never ever went out with friends or on a picnic; I have never ever had a girlfriend (what girl would wanna date a pansy anyway? :( ), and all I have known is CGPA. My health has deteriorated a lot of times, but thankfully, never beyond what I could control or fix.

And here's the problem - I am a hardcore perfectionist with a bunch of unrealistic ambitious desires. If I EVER score anything less than the highest grade in any subject, I go into depression and just plain crazy. I don't openly express it, but it's really hard on my inner-self. I don't have the peace of mind. I have lost the joy to appreciate everything good I have, for I over-think its negative aspects all the time. Also, the slightest gesture from someone else which could (or does) make me look like a fool (like those 'practical jokes') makes me real angry (you could say I take things all too personally). I have this inner super-egoistic self of mine which I would LOVE to change, but I have no clue on how to do so...

Summing it all up, despite all the things I have achieved, I always tend to be pessimistic and a hell of an over-thinker. Currently, I have a great undergraduate record, but the other day I checked the job market and not a lot of jobs are available in the region - and that's making me worried.

Lately, my problems have been driving me insane, and I am having suicidal thoughts every now and then. Please help me :(

Thank you very much for your time!

Absolution