Any advice on how to handle parenting when I'm just "Dad's Girlfriend"?

I do not babysit, anyone's kids, without authority, and that's basically what you are doing.

I once lived with a guy, who had a son, and was given the "he doesn't need a mother" speech. I took that kid's crap for quite a while, before it finally dawned on... I don't take crap from my own kid, my friends' kids, or the children I used to teach in preschool, why should I take it from this new child?

This philosophy doesn't require you to be witchy, but it does call for some creativity. It helps to develop a common interest with the child, board games, video games, sports, something you can enjoy together, for us, it was video games, Mario Party and Zelda to be specific. Give the respect that you expect in return. That way, when you don't receive respect, you are standing on the moral, high ground, and can refuse to participate in the conversation, until he amends his attitude. I don't yell, and I don't make idle threats, and I never tattle.

For example, a friend's daughters decided they didn't need to wear their seat belts in my car one day. I had already informed them, my car doesn't move unless everyone is buckled in. They waited until we were on the main road before unbuckling, I parked the car, in the road, until they buckled in again. (Note, the street was empty, had there been traffic, I'd have pulled off the road for this stunt.) I didn't argue, I didn't tattle, I didn't bribe, I just calmly repeated the rule and waited for compliance. Never had that problem again.

Some times... you just have to get creative.

Oh, and I haven't met a child who doesn't respond well to a well-deserved "Thank you." or "Atta boy!" for something done right.

I agree with Sophie. You've been there for 6 years. You know the rules and (hopefully) have had some say in making them. By saying "I'm going to tell your dad" you are taking the authority away from yourself. His teachers don't run to daddy- they set rules and make him follow them. Let your boyfriend know you have to have the same authority as any other adult that watched him would and that you are going to start enforcing the rules yourself. Chances are, he'll be happy that you are stepping up. Then you just need to follow through. If he's not okay with it, tell him you can't watch his kid anymore and wish him good luck finding a babysitter who is OK with not being allowed to discipline.

Tough position....

However, when I left my children with an adult babysitter, I expected that babysitter to be responsible for my children. When I took them to school, I expected the same thing. That didn't mean let them run all over the place and be anything less that respectful to adults who were present..

I think you should be give the same respect by both your boyfriend and your boyfriends son.

Explain to your boyfriend that you feel disrespected by both of them.

You are not your boyfriends son's equal.

He should talk to his son and side with you over any disagreements. He should make sure that your son knows that you are the authority.

Most certainly ignore any of his threats and if he doesn't behave then make sure that your boyfriend follows through on whatever punishment is used when his son acts up, whether at home or at school or with any other adult.

Love is not mandatory when it comes to family relations, you cannot force peoeple to feel a certain way or to demonstrate it if they do, but respect and a good disposition is certainly obligatory in my house. Respect is the first step to any relationship that is meant to be peaceful and productive, so children must start to show it in their own home before going out into the world.

Your partner's son may or may not love you, but he does not get to pretend like you and he are equals in the house. Yes, both of you are important and irreplaceable, but you are the adult and he is the child, and that simple division calls for a specific interaction. You are responsible for his well being when his father is not home and in order for you to do your job he needs to respect you in exchange. There is not two ways about it.

Ask your boyfriend to make it clear to him, every time he has to leave the house, that you are in charge and he is expected to listen. Then he needs to hear from him what will happen if he chooses not to obey and follow up with the consequences whenever necessary. He may whine and argue, but there is no real option.

The three of you will also benefit from having a neutral sit down, where everyone can say with respect and consideration how they feel and what they think of the family. The child may be rejecting your authority because he has a latent hope for his mother's return, or he needs to hear often and directly that he is loved by both of you. You never know what is going on in a child's mind until you invite him to open up without censorship or fear of rejection.

You may not be a mother in the traditional sense but on my book you are a parent. Try to play both sides of the parental role: a guide and a source of authority, and also that of a supportive, involved person who listens and adapts strategies to reaise a happy, confident child.

If things do not improve with changes that are within your power to make, seek family therapy. It is not shameful or wrong to ask a third party for help. The boy is entering a difficult age and you will want him to know you are on his side now, preventing any problems that may get too big once the teen years kick off.