Husband (step father) dislikes for his wife's son. Is he wrong or justified?

Question

Scenario:

Husband (step father) has a son, age 19, who's currently incarcerated (for the next 8 years) due to multiple felonies.
His wife has a son, age 20, who's an academic scholar and has earned his Bachelor's degree due to dual enrollment in high school.

Incident:

During a terrible argument at a picnic, the step father called his wife's son many vulgar names. Also, he expressed that the son was a "conceited brat" and that he needs to be "knocked down a peg or two" or humbled.
The  son countered by stating that he was tired of his step father's constant abuse and bullying. He told his step father that he was angry because his own son was a "felon with no future". Also, he stated to his step father that his personal and academic success was a painful reminder of his own son's failures.

Result:

The step father told his wife's son that he was no longer welcome in their home especially during semester breaks and holidays. The son who's currently in graduate school to earn his master's degree has been living with his Dad since the fallout. 
The wife (son's mother) feels torn between loyalty for her husband and son and has been trying to help reconcile their broken relationship.

1.) Is the step father justified on his feelings towards his wife's son?
2.) If you were the position of the mother, then what actions would you take?

Thanks for your response.

Pat Brown · Accepted Answer

The home in which the mother and stepfather live belongs to BOTH of them equally.  The stepfather has no moral or legal right to ban the stepson from being there.
The stepfather and stepson both spoke from anger and frustration, but some hard truths were revealed.  The stepfather should be handling this in a more mature and reasoned way.  He is taking out his frustration and anger about his own son,  and perhaps his own FAILINGS AS A PARENT, on the stepson.  This is not OK,  and he should not be allowed to divide mother and son this way.  If he values his wife,  and his home,  time to grow up fast, make peace with the stepson and acknowledge, even if just to himself,  the true source of his anger, pain and frustration.

Apple Tart · Answer

1) Yes. He is wrong, mind you, but his words seems to be the result of his feelings of failure as a father and resentment about having his own son in jail. He is allowed to have these feelings. His outburst was (IMO) due to underlying issues. But that does not excuse his behavior or his request to exclude the wife's son from the home.

2) Time for mediation and/or therapy. All three parties need to get in touch with their true feelings and make some hard decisions. Is the father willing to explore his deep hurt and find ways to move on constructively with his family? Does the son resent the mother for allowing the stepfather's actions in banning him from the house? Does the mother truly want to stay with this man and if so, why? Is pride getting in the way of mending this situation?

It's not an easy situation but neither is life sometimes. Everybody tiptoeing around it is only going to bring more resentment. My bottom line in my very unprofessional (I'm not a therapist) internet-only (we only have the notes here, not a full family history) opinion is for everyone to really examine what brought them this point and then figure out what to do.

Anonymous · Answer

"The wife (son's mother) feels torn between loyalty for her husband and son and has been trying to help reconcile their broken relationship."

What is there to be "torn about"?  If I was married to some loser who verbally trashed my kid, it would be over.  And I'm guessing the  20 year old is inwardly laughing at a  mom trying to "reconcile" this.

However....what matters most here is whether or not there are younger kids at home.  A 20 year old can choose to walk away from people who verbally abuse him.  Younger kids at home can't.  If mom thinks her guy is a great catch, fine.  But if she has younger kids, she's going to lose them as they get older.  That's because kids should  not come in second, and that means they shouldn't be exposed to verbally abusive stepdads.

EB · Answer

1) Everyone is allowed to have their own feelings, but reacting in such an almost petty way is not ok. It is obvious the stepfather has some resentments. 2) This puts mom in the most awkward and probably most difficult position of all :( She needs to stand up for both her child and her husband. There needs to be some boundaries made. Step son said some things that probably were not ok things to say (even if they may be true). The step father probably feels like a failure due to the failure of his son, so that probably cut him deep. This is just a sticky situation all around. I hope all of this gets sorted out!

♠ Merlin ♠ · Answer

1.) Is the step father justified on his feelings towards his wife's son?

NO, the wifes son is correct about the stepfather and his delinquent son

2.) If you were the position of the mother, then what actions would you take?

The so called step father would be out the door and bags packed the moment we got home
and the wife will be well rid

Gert · Answer

Nothing would ever come between me and my kids.  The husband (step dad) would have to get over it the best way he could.  I tend to agree with what the step son said to the step dad, although a party/picnic was probably the wrong place to say it.

Jason Calvillo · Answer

Depends on whether the scholar son was acting like he is better than everyone. If that's the case than he needed to be knocked down a peg or two.

Anonymous · Answer

This can't be real.

Pearl L · Answer

i think its wrong

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Husband (step father) dislikes for his wife's son. Is he wrong or justified?

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