How would you react if your boyfriend of 3 years wants to keep your relationship a secret to make his dying mother happy?

Question

She told him she won't move to his state if I'm in his life.  Then said she hopes she won't lose her son.  His adult children expect her to move in with him.  She is at risk living alone and likely has less than a year to live.  He expects if she knows we are together she will be hurt and his adult children will blame him, and they are the sort who probably will.  He wants his mom to be happy.
. How would you react if your boyfriend made this choice?  How would you react if that were your mother and children?

zendall · Accepted Answer

I would react by breaking up with him. He is far too weak to stand by you.

chris · Answer

See, the problem with in-laws is, they never hear about the good things you do or happiness you bring. They only hear about the bad stuff because people love to talk when they are angry. If you have not had much personal interaction with her, then people are obviously feeding her negative things about you, which means that there are more people that feel that way but just aren't saying it. In this situation, it's time to cut your losses and move on. However, if this is a direct result of your personal interaction with her, You need to make amends to keep the peace. Either way, I personally think you need to do what's right for you and your future.

? · Answer

Can't edit my question.  I haven't asked him to abandon his mom.
She told him I use him.  I never have.  He doesn't give me $ or bigger gifts than I give him.  I have done far more for him than he has for me.  She says I bounce from guy to guy.  The 3 relationships before him were 5 months, 5 years and 8 years.  And I wasn't married to them.  I've taken great care to be polite and kind regardless of her behavior.  We don't live together.

Freddy Kaye · Answer

Kinda hard to side with you, when after 3 years, he still hasn't said I do.
Looking past the fact that you're just a girlfriend, I think he should be man enough to do what he thinks is right.
Another perspective may be you two live together, or you spend some nights with him, and his mom does not want to be uncomfortable with that. 
If you two were married, I'd have a different answer for you.
With that said, if his mom is terminally ill, he should make every effort to make her happy and comfortable, BUT that does not mean denying your relationship. If he really loved you, he should be respectfully setting his mom straight.

Anonymous · Answer

I can't tell whether he's never told her about the relationship, or if he started to, and Mommy just doesn't like you.  You make no mention of why she wouldn't like you, which raises questions by itself.

if he's willing to do this, and his adult children approve of the plan, I would wonder, actually, if he's seeing someone else.  He's a grown man with adult children, and puts their wishes and his mother's ahead of his relationship with you.

I would react by deciding to have a real relationship with someone who wasn't ashamed of me. I suspect there's more to the story than you're telling.

? · Answer

That's a tough one. It reads like your asking you BF to abandon his mother. If you truly think that he'll take up with you in a normal relationship after she passes, and all will be hunky dory, then I'd see if there's a way to live through it. But the part about adult children blaming him for his mom getting hurt bothers me.  I don't know the depth of your feelings for this man, but if the drama of it all is too much for you, you could tell him to look you after she's gone to see if you still want him. That seems like your choices. I'd say it depends on how well you like your chances of living a happy life with him after his mom passes. Good Luck!

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How would you react if your boyfriend of 3 years wants to keep your relationship a secret to make his dying mother happy?

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