Any suggestions for improving a piece of free verse, this isn't my usual style?

Question

Swan Song

I hold my breath,
white death downstream.
Our swans are dying.

Within sight of castle walls,
by Eton's bank, February cold,
Winter dank.
Planes flying overhead,
heart hurting dead,
motionless.

I find I am crying.
tears for years I have known them.
As a child, I danced, entranced
to Tchaikovsky.

I would listen to the fall of stylus
on to shiny grooved,
Dad's dust free,
as I entered another place,
My place.

Swan Lake,
I ache for the dying,
I ache for the fate of our swans
as Avian flu
pursues blindly through their ranks
like black plague.

? · Accepted Answer

I too, held my breath as I read through the many, different, verses of heartache. I never got to know the swans, though. I say less of the other details and more of the point.

Anonymous · Answer

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? · Answer

Oh Cassie, you went to a rustic setting, but you have planes flying above. Then you have Avian flu on the swans. I cannot decide if this is idyllic or a modern commentary. Either way, interesting piece.

Frederic · Answer

planes overhead ( no need to say flying)
heart hurting dead...motionless

other than that it s a well-written poem

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Any suggestions for improving a piece of free verse, this isn't my usual style?

4 Answers