I have Anxiety that people will believe I am Sexist –– No, I am not joking. Please Help!?

Context on how I assume a friendship is:

I was very selective with friends and oriented those relationships so we could cope, but be distant to some degree. I had to hide me. If there was a strange behavior, it was somewhat avoided and we'd react discreetly to how the other felt from it. Subjects like those weren't discussed probably because of how those relationships worked and how I oriented them. I had many friends, but when I noticed that I couldn't hide similar behaviors as yours, it was protocol to disappear. That is horrible of me and it feels just as horrible, but it's not simple.

I haven't been close to anyone or even been remotely myself with anyone in other ways than friendships of that sort. I had the comfort of knowing that they could reason or sympathize with anything, but still I had to hide.

-It's likely that they won't notice the true reason in that specific example. In your situation, I feel like this issue could come up a lot and you might be manipulating conversations to deviate from those subjects. That's not a bad thing as maybe they wouldn't be enjoyable interactions for both.

-In any case it wouldn't be sexist unless people have very strange beliefs where you live. Ticks and embarrassment wouldn't make you seem like a pervert imo, but people might find it weird. I'd recommend giving yourself a sympathetic role towards yourself for when you need one, and accept things of the sort by default; that might stop the embarrassment spirals some of the times (depending on the other person maybe). It's a long term project to build roles towards yourself; sympathy, neutral analysis and understanding might be what a sensitive part of you needs to stay honest, genuine and to help embarrassment.

-If you had different types of relationships (ie friendships and such), then maybe you have more to consider than I did. If they are judgemental and childish, then consider further precautions and manage it well. I'd suggest talking about it to someone, since you might be in a situation that allows that.

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Context for relating to your spontaneous reaction:

I couldn't feel ok thinking sexuality exists at all mostly. I created impersonal structures in me to dissimulate anything regarding that issue well. It's not a spontaneous tick, but my brain reacts badly and intensely to sexual/similar references. For examples I couldn't shower for weeks during many months last year and I had accumulated many traumatic feelings deep within any sexual feelings, so it made torture cycles in a way. I had to avoid practically any media to prevent noticing it more than I did. My mind went blank very fast.

I think me freaking out irrationally kind of classifies as similar.

-What you might need to scout for are connotations - feelings or ideas linked together with a certain associated idea. Try to see how you react and meditate on how you think around those ideas to see how and why you might have intensity towards those subjects. Brutally neutralize your attempts at going against noticing the complete picture. You should feel entitled to see and address the subjects, and have freedom of guidance, care and so on for your sensitive self. Analyze and diagnose distantly at the third person your cognitions on the subject.

By that you might notice sources for the emotions you get towards the behavior/yourself during interactions, sources for emotions that come up during the behavior, and most importantly sources for the connotational intensity (how is the thing that makes you react linked to the subject, and how intense/spontaneous does it drive the reaction). Notice slower how it works when it happens. Many ways to make it slower.

It might not feel emotional, but there can still be neutral intensity stuck to the subjects - similarly to emotional baggage.

-Possibility is that the intensity might decrease from understanding of the process if it's not too innate now (if you are not overwhelmed or confused by it and learn how you can affect it directly or around it, then you might find more peace in managing it.).

Also, some can stay regardless depending on what it is; if it does or doesn't shouldn't be too damaging if you are honestly caring for your isolated struggles/curses to support intense survival. Find a reason or will to protect and care for yourself.

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As for what is wrong, idk. It could be simple ticks or a strange connotation. Just try to have a sense for how your feelings/ideas get stuck to thoughts and feelings so that you can see how your spontaneous behaviors are like essentially.

I was quite late for preparing a microbio lab and so on earlier, so I edited a bit just now. I mostly do [personal context -> answer] formats. Sorry if it annoys. You did dislike one of my answers once. Hope this is ok.

We all have embarrassing thoughts, so don't feel bad as if your case were unique.

A good mindset to cultivate is that "you are not your thoughts". You have absolutely no control about what you think. It's like a TV that is always on, with this, and that, and speaking of which, and whatever, and last year, and I'm afraid that... Etc

So a good skill to cultivate is to learn to detach yourself from your thoughts. We have a tendency to "grab" them when they appear, to consider we "made them"; but again, we don't, they are independent of what we want (otherwise, you would choose not to have certain thoughts, right?). With practice, you learn to "catch" yourself grabbing thoughts and release them sooner and sooner, and thoughts just go their own way, and you go yours. You're in a way their "victim", but there's nothing you need to do about them, they're not your fault. To detach from those thoughts you can try different tricks and techniques. For example, becoming ironic: "oh, yeah, come has two meanings, very well mind, thank you for that useful contribution". Or see yourself as a baby who picks dirty stuff from the floor (the thoughts) and puts it in his mouth: "let go... stop... no, don't eat that...". These are just a couple of examples that have worked for me, you'll have to experiment and find what works for your mind. The goal, again, is learning to let go of those thoughts; when you grab them as your own, they make you suffer. With training, you can let go quickly the ones that are not interesting, and just do your life.

Welcome to Puberty. Your brain is being inundated by testosterone, causing hyper-sexual thoughts. You'll grow out of it.