Advice on how to deal with a family member with Alzheimer’s/dementia ?

My (limited) experience with home health care aides is that they sometimes come from lower-middle-class backgrounds, and tend to be patronizing and bossy.

See whether there's a retirement facility that's not a "nursing home", but more like a community of apartment dwellers, with memory care, meal service, and available staff to help with emergencies. She might be permitted to bring some of her own furniture to her new place.

Be aware that even if you find such a place, it might not be suitable for much longer. I think that if at all possible, family care visits should be continued for now. If a move to a nursing home becomes inevitable, your family will realize it, and unfortunately your grandmother will not be able to change that.

Every situation involving care for elderly family members has its unique aspects. Perhaps there's an agency for aging in your community that could help. My suggestions are only general ones.

There are several things you can do here.

If your grandmother is totally self-sufficient at 91, then let her live in her own house, take care of herself and have her groceries delivered.

If she is not able to clean the home and provide for herself then it is time to speak with her own physician about this. Also, you may want to consult your own attorney about guardianship of your grandmother. Because there comes a time when someone living alone cannot care for themselves and does not have the mental capacity to do so and this is where legal help and social help can come in.

Short of one of you moving in with her the assisted living is probably inevitable. But there are some day programs in some places where an elder can go to "adult day care" then be home at night. This might make her transition to group living a little easier.

medicaid pays people to take care of family members, that way you wont have to work and can take her of her at home, maybe you should talk to them about it

If it helps, this is so common that it would be weird if you were NOT having problems with it.

I agree with the others, but one thing that hasn't been mentioned is a diagnosis. By age 91, everyone's mental status has deteriorated at least a little. Has she seen a doctor and been diagnosed? This matters, because by the time an actual diagnosis has been made, at her age having family members stop by daily isn't enough. A lot can happen when you're not there.

The other reason a diagnosis matters is her next of kin (your mom?) could use this to get power of attorney over her affairs. This means it's no longer grandma's decision where she lives. With my grandma, she didn't want to leave her home, either. My mom found an older retired woman who was a home health aide and gave my grandma an additional 2 years at home. In exchange for a room, this woman was with grandma non stop. When it became obvious she needed more advanced care, there was no resistance at all when she got moved. Her mental status actually improved for a couple years in that advanced care place.

Yeah, my father in law had trouble with his father, tried to take care of him in the home and he was becoming violent, had to put him in a home with people trained for that. It is hard but if that is the only way to keep her safe that is what you do.

Your grandmother needs to be in a place where she is safe. End of story

Dealing with a loved one with such a difficult illness like a dementia is, is very heart breaking and it's not easy, so I do understand how difficult must be for you guys to take decisions about this.

However you have to think about the pros and cons about all this.

Your grandmother is a senior lady that has a very challenging illness and you guys are passed the "we can't imagine having to put her in a nursing home" type of decisions.

If your grandma were a younger elder that can take care after herself, then yes, I'd call you selfish and mean for wanting to put her in a nursing home against her wishes, but this is not the case.

All dementias and particularly Alzheimer's are tough and very demanding illnesses. Your grandma needs care around the clock, that if you guys aren't able to provide in a proper way means that it's time to put her in a place were people do that for a living.

Putting her in a nursing home is not "abandoning her" or "kicking her out of the 60 y old home". Putting her in a nursing home is accepting that her reality is different now, and for everyone's sake in this family, is kinder to put her in an institution where she can get the care she desperately needs.

Your grandma is not the same person anymore. that's the sad truth w dementias. The fact that she doesn't want to accept help and gets angry it's very telling. She's a senior that needs help, and of c she's very resistant. No one likes to need help! That's pretty obvious. But your grandma is in danger now. She's not in her best mental abilities and she could have a serious accident.

How would you feel if while alone she falls and breaks her hip, or goes out and gets lost or burns her house down? These things DO happen w people w dementias that don't have 24/7 care.

you guys need to start thinking about the big picture here. Talk to her Neurologist and take decisions from here. You can visit her and help create a comfortable atmosphere in a nursing home for her.

This has been happening and is happening every single day in many different situations and ways.

It's heartbreaking, heart wrenching, tears families apart and hurts emotionally everyone involved.

your family needs to be talking to experts on how best to proceed. And memory care facilities work with her kinds of patients, not just a nursing home.

You don't necessarily need a nursing home. There are some very nice assisted living places with what they call "memory units"- there's extra security because Alzheimer's patient tend to wander around outside. But the people there can be independent in many other ways.

My mother was resistant to moving out of her house, too. Then she had a car accident, was in the hospital and rehab, and we just moved her from there to the assisted living place. She didn't have any choice. But once there, she loved it! She loved having other people around. Depending on how bad her mental condition is, you may just have to tell her you're taking her somewhere, and then take her to the assisted living facility. Do this before she burns her house down by leaving something on the stove.