why do I not understand my own emotions ?

Question

honestly, im going to put myself out there in the hope people can actually help. Im really not sure what's wrong with me or if anything is even wrong with me and if im just thinking something should be - honestly that's the way my mind works. Back to the story of my life.

- dad 'kidnapped' me when I was a baby and I was away from my mum for a year
- I was raped at 16 by someone but Its like a consensual rape? sometimes I feel bad for calling it a rape and you'll see why. so I told him I don't want to do it, its weird etc but in a jokey way.. but I kept saying it, but basically I don't really remember the details but I was saying things suggesting no. once it started I just lay there but I was moaning cos I didn't want him to run and tell everyone I was **** because he's very known. 
- lived with dad again then he kicked me out / very bad relationship
-got pregnant and had an abortion at 5 months which fucked me up
-been cheated on repeatedly by one guy a few months after that had no knowledge of my past

I don't share my past with anyone but im asking, why can I not feel my emotions? I don't know if im depressed because sometimes I feel sad and I just don't know why like which event caused it. im changing as a person defo, I just need some advice on what to do in general please. im gonna lose the plot.

madeline · Accepted Answer

You’re in the numb stage of unprocessed trauma. 
Rape is rape, there’s nothing consensual when you had said NO, and they kept penetrating you. 
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, okay? Nothing of that’s was your fault. The reason why you cannot access your emotions it’s because of so many traumatizing events happening nonstop and giving you no room to even catch a breath. It’s okay to get sad about it, it’s good to not be okay, and understand that it hurts you and acknowledge it. 
As a rape survivor, with a forced abortion that my dad decided to be perform on me while drugged, it took me 7 years to get psychological help. I struggle with the concept of sex, and never had sex ever since the rape. I struggle with flashbacks of it and the abortion. I get majorly depressed, and what has always helped me through it all these years was setting up goals for myself, to try and actually welcome that pain and cry it out, so it doesn’t stay within me. 
You’ll get better, honey, I promise you

Forrest Toney · Answer

Jesus said in John 10:34 we are all Gods . Tell your body to do what you want .

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why do I not understand my own emotions ?

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