Is there an appropriate way to tell your spouse that you don't want to be around her mother anymore?

Question

My mother in law is a very successful person who rose to power in her field by being abrasive and blunt. She treated her children like robots, teaching them to be prim and proper and has made them all to believe that they are a failure unless they get multiple degrees, and find jobs that pay well past $150,000 a year. Anything else they would hear that they're a failure. She is cold, distant, never says "I love you" to her kids, and her husband kind of just follows her lead with his tail between his legs.

I grew up the exact opposite, parents who always said "I love you", promoted their children being happy and make sure they know they are very proud of us no matter what we do. I'm a teacher, I work extremely hard to have a positive impact in the lives that I teach...but this is never good enough for my MIL, and never will be. She has never approved of me, and never will. She typically acts like I'm not there when I'm around, and if she does acknowledge me it's condescending remarks about my profession. I actually have a Master's, but clearly I got it in something that doesn't pay well enough!

I'm at the point where I can't take being around her any more, it's too toxic of a situation for me too deal with. I don't feel it is fair to me to be treated like I'm not there or treated like crap. My wife is never going to stand up to her, even admitting that when we have talked about how she treats me. What is a good way to approach this? Is there a good way to approach this?

? · Answer

Obviously you and your mother in law have very different values. She seems very materialistic and your priorities are the opposite. People who criticise others only really do so if they feel insecure themselves, so try to avoid being too defensive when you are around her. If you have children you need to agree not to criticise each other around them. You don't mention where your wife is in this either......

You simply need to agree to disagree. She has her priorities and you have yours. Big deal. Try not I take it all quite so very seriously. Talk about other things or avoid each other.

Good Luck!

You simply need to agree to disagree. She has her priorities and you have yours. Big deal. Try not I take it all quite so very seriously. Talk about other things or avoid each other.

Good Luck!

? · Answer

just dont be around her, they'll get the message

Foofa · Answer

The thing to remember would be that your MIL's parenting style produced someone so wonderful you felt the need to marry them. Not saying it's ideal, but you do need to accept that this woman molded your wife so there's clearly something redeemable in the way she operates. You chose to marry into this situation so it's not like you can now turn around and completely reject it. But you can choose your battles, not be an absolutist and understand that this woman won't live forever. Maybe once in a while when MIL is attacking remind her of her own demands for education in her kids and let her know that your career choice is because you agree with her on the importance of that.

Emily J · Answer

Tell the B, that she would not be where she is in her life, if not for a teacher.  You are helping people and that is a admirable quality.  Tell you wife, that you are NOT going to associate with her mother anymore, PERIOD.

T J · Answer

Best way is to cut her out of your life. Refuse to go anyplace she is going to be. If your wife is unhappy you refuse to go, tell her, to fix it. You would never see me with someone who treats me poorly.

? · Answer

Yep, be honest with your wife and tell her everything you just told a bunch of strangers on the internet. To be honest, that's something that you probably should have figured out and spoke to her about before you even got married.

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Is there an appropriate way to tell your spouse that you don't want to be around her mother anymore?

6 Answers