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Can a marriage survive this?
My wife decided to "move" into the second bedroom of our apartment. Her own bathroom and bed (bed is larger and used to host her parents from China).
She refers to it as her own bedroom. I have expressed my desire to not live separately like that. Our 2 year old son then alternates between sleeping with me and sleeping with her.
She argues that our usual bed is too small and the room feels too crowded with our son's bed next to our bed.
She has moved all her make-up into the other bathroom and some of her clothes too.
She has told me that we aren't separated and that she still wants to have another child with me.
I'm not sure. We have to go to counselling due to her past behaviour of abuse towards me. I plan to discuss a number of things.
I tried leaving with our son but she followed me to my parents' home and wanted to talk. I ended up coming back to the home.
I feel as though I could go away again if counselling doesn't help me feel any better or if my needs keep getting ignored...
When I'm on early morning shift I used to sleep on the sofa bed to avoid waking my wife and son.
What's interesting is that she doesn't seem to mind if I choose to sleep on the larger bed with her but I find it too hard and uncomfortable for my back...I am hoping we can talk things through.
We haven't hugged for a long time and it has been years since we kissed. We do obviously do other things...
My parents told me that at 37, I am getting too old to start over and divorce. That I have my own issues that I must see to and that they see them as contributing to marital unhappiness. That I should just "get help" and also make do because we have a child together. That my wants and desires aren't realistic.
Yet all I want is for us to share the same bed and stop this constant trend of her pulling away all the time. I also can't figure out where all her anger comes from!
My parents blame me for starting the process of getting child protection involved...since the counsellors on the domestic violence line identified some of her behaviour as abusive and made reports.
10 Answers
- n2mamaLv 74 months agoFavorite Answer
Why do you want your marriage to survive? Do you really want child services to remove your son? You posted about all of her abuse, you posted about needing to get your son away from it, but you continue to refuse to be the father your son needs and actually leave. Stop making excuses and divorce her, or resign yourself to living in misery forever and potentially losing your son.
Edit: Your parents aren’t living your life. It’s very easy for them to sit outside and offer their opinions about your age or issues or whatever. And yes, I’m sure you have issues, at the very least co-dependency that you should absolutely get help for. But I seriously question any grandparents who are encouraging keeping their grandchild in an abusive and destructive relationship situation.
- Barb OuthereLv 74 months ago
At two the child should be in its own bed, and bed room, in my opinion. That could be one reason why there is this distance between you two - you have no "down time" from being a parent and then being able to shift to couple's mode.
- 4 months ago
The facts confirm that a marriage can endure an extra-conjugal undertaking. Yet, this will possibly occur if the two accomplices are happy to procure and utilize the abilities important to make .
- ?Lv 74 months ago
Crazy thought...maybe you could move into the bigger bed with her and leave the smaller bed for her parents when they visit. Lots of couples can't sleep well together and keep separate bedrooms. Pretty sure my parents would have divorced years ago were it not for separate bedrooms. You're just upset about having to get up and walk to the next room to have sex. So move in with her.
- ?Lv 74 months ago
For some people this is the way to MAKE it survive. Have your own separate spaces and come together for some times of your own choosing. It can reduce conflicts and help you to identify what DOES bond you together.
- Anonymous4 months ago
Let's see - no shared bed, no hugging, no intercourse BUT she wants to have another child. Sorry, I'm pretty fixated on that. If you didn't report her to CPS, you didn't report her to CPS. If she is abusive to your child, get your child away from her. Otherwise, yes, marriages have survived.
- ?Lv 74 months ago
it's not up to anyone here. you are the one who can decide if your marriage can survive like this
- 4 months ago
Hi,
From your question there seems to be a few factors currently affecting your relationship and its great that you have sought out external support for that.
I cant speak to the nuanced situation between you and your partner but I will say that my partner and I sleep in different rooms. Similar to your wife, I feel crowded when sharing a room with my partner and am also a light sleeper so I dont get quality sleep sharing a bed/room with him, so for me having my own space was essential. We still often spend time together in bed but when it comes to the actual sleeping, we separate.
I imagine with everything else going on for you this might be quite a confronting change and you might be missing that physical connection and closeness with your partner. It might be worthwhile to discuss in counselling.
It also sounds as though this is quite overwhelming to you at the moment so please remember to take some time to look after yourself.
Best of luck
