Troy

A good guy died suddenly today.

Once upon a time we were very close. Actually, it does seem now like he was my first close friend. Then he started doing hard drugs, getting into an environment where I did not blend in, and doing things to himself that I did not want to witness.

At some point I had a very direct talk with him. Told him that he was going down a path I didn't want to follow and that he was becoming a person that was new to me and did not like. I finished by telling him that if he ever got off the heroin and the meth, I would be happy to rekindle the friendship. He told me to go to hell and that was that.

I didn't insist, I never called again or made a discernible effort to take him off the drugs. I just accepted that such was the life he had chosen. We ran into each other once or twice after that, talked and joked a bit but it wasn't the same.

I heard on Monday that he as sick. I called a mutual friend to see how he was doing. I did not call him because I felt like such a hypocrite after abandoning him, basically ending our friendhsip and then out of nowhere be all concerned and nosy.

Well, no time to rethink my choices. He is gone. Age 23 and he is gone. I am stunned and lost. I loved that guy...but I didn't love him enough obviously.

I want to go to his brother's and ask what can I do. Anything. Get food for the family, help with paperwork, give family members rides from the airport...I don't know. I'm sure there are other people, more loyal than I, who will cover that... I wonder if his brother will just think "what good are you now that he's dead? Where were you when he was alive?"

But...I want to help them. I want to be at the funeral. I might cry. Should I just stay home and deal quietly? I don't want to intrude or take a role that is no longer mine.

A good guy died suddenly today.

Once upon a time we were very close. Actually, it does seem now like he was my first close friend. Then he started doing hard drugs, getting into an environment where I did not blend in, and doing things to himself that I did not want to witness.

At some point I had a very direct talk with him. Told him that he was going down a path I didn't want to follow and that he was becoming a person that was new to me and did not like. I finished by telling him that if he ever got off the heroin and the meth, I would be happy to rekindle the friendship. He told me to go to hell and that was that.

I didn't insist, I never called again or made a discernible effort to take him off the drugs. I just accepted that such was the life he had chosen. We ran into each other once or twice after that, talked and joked a bit but it wasn't the same.

I heard on Monday that he as sick. I called a mutual friend to see how he was doing. I did not call him because I felt like such a hypocrite after abandoning him, basically ending our friendhsip and then out of nowhere be all concerned and nosy.

Well, no time to rethink my choices. He is gone. Age 23 and he is gone. I am stunned and lost. I loved that guy...but I didn't love him enough obviously.

I want to go to his brother's and ask what can I do. Anything. Get food for the family, help with paperwork, give family members rides from the airport...I don't know. I'm sure there are other people, more loyal than I, who will cover that... I wonder if his brother will just think "what good are you now that he's dead? Where were you when he was alive?"

But...I want to help them. I want to be at the funeral. I might cry. Should I just stay home and deal quietly? I don't want to intrude or take a role that is no longer mine. Grieving friend... yeah right.

For those who want their remains to be buried in a cemetery, or just two feet under, do you have plans or at least think it matters if you are buried next to your spouse/child/parent/sibling/pet? Or do you not care about the location or near who your body ends up?

Why?

The Civil War, the War of Northern Aggression, the War Between States? Something else?

Where do you live?

In very short and general terms, what was the *main* motivation for this war?

If you don't mind, what is your ethnic/racial background?

I share a one story apartment with a guy and a girl around my age. We have our own rooms and share a common area. I am in charge of the rent and responsible for the apartment as a whole. I answer directly to the owner and manage the small and big repair things that need to be done.

I have some simple disagreements with the roommates. They do absolutely nothing around the house, the common areas are always cluttered with their stuff and whenever we need to do something for the apartment, to make things a bit easier, and are not covered by the owner, they simply choose not to pitch in and let things just the way they are.

However, overall I would say we get along just fine. I swallow most of my opinions and do what I can for the apartment, without babying them or becoming their live in maid.

When we came to live here, there was a one year contract with a cable and internet company that still had a few months to run. The three of us are avid internet users. We waste a lot of time on it and also depend on it for homework and work. I agreed to pay for the remainder months of the contract and told them that since I've been putting pretty penny on getting furniture, dishes and fixing stuff around the house we all use, and keep the house from falling apart in dirt, I thought it was fair that they renewed the contract for internet and cable. They both agreed.

Now that the bill is here and people are harassing me to pay, they decided to change their mind and cancel everything. I am annoyed to say the least. I told them that we would still have to pay what we owe them. They quickly said that they have no money. I'm screwed, because the contract is under my name, it was transferred from the previous leaser onto me when I moved. Whatever, I am paying and cancelling.

However, to be perfectly honest, I really want to have internet access at home. I need it and I guess I could move my budget around a little bit to have a very basic broadband connection. The thing is that I don't think its fair. Just like everything else they didn't want to pay for, I ended up getting it and now that its here, they use it.

Normally, I don't mind. I like to share with people and I am not territorial with "stuff". However, today I am officially pissed off.

I want to have internet, but I don't want to get it just for them to use it without paying. Experience has taught me that the minute I ask them to contribute for a service they use, they will say "never mind, just cancel it".

I don't know what to do. I hate to be this petty and materialistic, but I may be so angry with my roommates that I will effectively shoot myself on the foot, forgo the internet service that I actually want to have, just so they don't have it too.

On a scale from one to five, how irrational am I being? Is the best thing to do just suck it up, pay up and accept that my roommates are leaches?

Prepare to be grossed out.

It's been at least five years since my mouth last encountered a dentist. I brush my teeth between two and three times a day, floss weekly and try to take good care of my mouth, but I am perpetually broke and the dentist is the last doctor I think of visiting with my limited budget. My upper teeth are naturally straight but my lower incisors are crooked which makes for a rather unattractive smile. I am not able to afford braces and I am ok with that.

For the last couple of months, I've noticed/felt my lower wisdom teeth making a move for the surface. It hurts a lot, but nothing that a little advil and tolerance can't handle. I've ignoring the impeding arrival of my wisdom teeth because I have no money and I am reluctant to borrow money for a surgery that seems rather shifty.

I've been reading online about the purposes for wisdom teeth removal and it seems like its just based on a bunch of probabilities "the gums may or may not get infected", "they might be aligned towards the first molars", "they are more prone to tooth decay". I agree that all of these possibilities are bad, but they are not a guarantee.

Can't I just wait to see how bad they really are and then contemplate the surgery? When I am actually certain that I need it.

I am not as cheap as I sound, just a starving student with no insurance and who already spends ridiculous amounts of money on medication and doctors.

Leaving the discussion of an afterlife and heaven aside, once a person is dead, should his or her religious beliefs be taken into consideration in the same way that they would when the person existed/ was alive?

My siblings are bickering because my older sister, in her never ending quest to salvation and a spiritual home, has adopted a new faith which encourages her to put up our dead mother's name on a proxy baptism list.

She is the only living member of the family who is an active member of an organized religion. Before this new development, she adhered to another religion. The same religion our mother adopted and practiced rather enthusiastically until she died.

My sister wanted to share with us her news, perhaps hoping to get some support, but the rest of my siblings were opposed to the idea, since our mother identified as member of a certain faith and, when alive, would probably have rejected my sister's offer. My siblings are opposed because they think its a sign of disrespect for our mother's memory.

Personally, I don't care one way or the other. I am inclined to say that my sister should do whatever makes her happy and gives her much needed peace of mind. When our mother was alive, she lived like she wanted and made her choices, but that is over and no matter what my sister does, the past cannot be undone. It sounds a bit crass but in my mind, baptizing a dead person is like baptizing Bugs Bunny. Its meaningless to bestow a system of beliefs onto someone who does not exist.

Do dead people even "have" a religion?

Whose sensibilities or inclinations triumph in a situation likes this? The living or the dead? (zombies?)

My brother and his ex-wife have three children. A few months ago their mother had a fourth child with her new husband. While I have *almost* nothing against my former sister in law and I am genuinely happy that her new daughter is healthy and joyful, I've searched for some sort of emotional connection with the baby girl and I just keep thinking "nah, she's just a random baby".

I love my niece and nephews with every fibber of my body. They are pretty much the only kids whose company I seek and enjoy. I tolerate and respect every other child out there, but the only ones I find cute, funny and lovable are these three.

My niece keeps asking me if I love her new baby sister and if I'm going to play with the baby the same way I play with her. Since my niece is an evil genius, I know that she keeps asking these questions precisely because she senses that I am pretty neutral about her baby sister, that I don't really love her and perhaps resents the fact that I buy all kinds of candy, toys and child-friendly crap for her and her older brothers, but nothing for the baby.

I did send a card for my former sister in law and her husband congratulating them when the baby was born. I wrote something sincere and truthful. But yeah, I don't really plan on getting stuff for the youngest member of the family every time I see the other kids. My budget is strictly limited to spoiling the three kids I do love and cherish. It will be up to the baby's aunts and uncles to do the spoiling themselves.

My niece keeps pushing the issue. She won't stop until I give her an answer.

I think "the real truth" may be a bit too harsh for my oversensitive and love-obsessed niece. I don't have it in me to tell her that at the moment, her baby sister is no different from all the other babies I see on daily basis. However, I think telling her that I do love her will only bring a plethora of new questions/demands, like why don't you buy her the stuff you buy me? Are you coming to her baptism/birthday/whatever? Will you take her to the pizza parlor/movies/bookstore/pool when you take us? And that would only create more lies.

I am sure that there are a thousand more appropriate alternatives. Some of which I will surely consider. I'm having a hard time thinking outside of the box with this one because children and the issues they bring into my life confuse me.

I've been enjoying some Civil Defense videos geared at children and adults from the 1950s, where they teach the public about nuclear bombs and basic (and rather useless) survival techniques just in case an A bomb explodes near their neighborhood.

I am curious to know if the Soviet Union attempted to educate its own population in such manner or at least tried to lure them into a false sense of safety by telling them to duck and cover to protect them from a nuclear blast with didactic materials such as movies and other propaganda.

I will move out of my home and start living independently this summer. For the most part, I am excited and looking forward to living on my own. However, I am also wondering about how my absence will affect my brother's moods and general state of well-being.

My brother is 36 years old and suffers from manic-depressive disorder. He has tried to take his life on two separate occasions. Currently he is doing very well and taking his medication. From my perspective, he is functional and something close to happy. He thrives on routine and predictability, and there is nothing more predictable and cyclical than our daily lives.

I worry, mostly because my absence will surely bring significant changes to his life. Because he works all day long, I am in charge of keeping the house on a semi-clean, semi-organized state, buying groceries, preparing meals, doing the laundry, handling our monthly budget, paying the rent and other bills... I jokingly identify as his submissive housewife. I don't know if he will be able to cope with those added menial but burdensome little things. I wish there was a way to help him get around these things without overwhelming him.

I also worry about him because, next to me, he is the most solitary person I know. He has cordial relationships with his co-workers but has no friends, no acquaintances and I am pretty sure I am the only person he has conversations with on a regular basis.

He has three small children he sees twice every month, for a few hours. As far as child support payment he does great but the custody arrangement isn't fair (from my perspective at least), because he is hardly allowed to be with his children, although he wants to be closer to them very badly. Therefore, I am also the only member of his family who is close and available all the time.

Is there a sensible way to help my brother manage with the things that are about to occur?

What things can I do to help him stay healthy and functional while I am away?

Also, am I making a big deal out of nothing and I am the one who needs to get a grip?

I don't know where to go or who to talk to about these concerns, and get real, informed answers. My brother's doctors are indifferent at best and we do not have other people to help us out.

Last winter a co-worker of mine lost her mother after a long illness. She is a private person and didn't mention her mother's illness until her passing. Since then she has mentioned her mother once or twice on conversations we've had.

Yesterday evening she told me that it would have been her mother's birthday on Monday. I've been thinking about her sad expression when she brought it up, and also about my own experiences with birthdays, death anniversaries and holidays since my mother died, and concluded that at least for me the hardest thing about these dates is that they go largely unnoticed by people outside our immediate families. Its hard to be sad and alone when the world is just going about their normal business.

So, I thought that I could give her a white rose on Monday, as a gesture of sympathy and to let her know that I know she will have a difficult time on such bittersweet day. But...I am not sure if it is a good idea, I don't want to be too intrusive or if my idea makes any sense to anyone else. I tend to have ideas that in my mind seem great but turn out to be odd to others and totally backfire.

Without really trying to, I acquired the mailing address of the family who adopted my two younger siblings. I haven't seen them or spoken to them for what feels like a lifetime and, perhaps against my better judgment, I want to let them know that we (the rest of the siblings) are still around in case they ever want to contact us.

I was thinking about sending a brief and simple Christmas card. I don't usually send holiday cards but they seem like the perfect excuse to say hello to my little siblings. At the same time, while trying to imagine how things will feel/seem to them, it would also seem like an emotional ambush, considering how emotions run high for many people during christmas.

How much of a terrible idea would it be to send the card?

I don't plan on saying much. I'm certainly not going to mention deaths in the family and other bad things that may be potentially upsetting. I want to keep it brief and leave some information in case they want to write back/add on facebook/call.

I'm 17 years old and I have been a paraplegic for longer than I was able to walk. I don't have clear memories of my time as a walker and I don't think about it at all. It was a very long time ago. So long that I feel I've always been this way.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I were home alone,playing on the living room. I tried to climb a wooden shelf and it fell on me. This caused a permanent spinal cord injury.

I don't have memories of the accident. The details I know, I know them because other people shared them with me. However, lately it seems like I am having flashbacks of what I think is the accident or something similar to it.

It is a little confusing and very strange. They are like short, disordered sounds and images without sequence that come to me when my mind wanders off. It isn't a pleasant experience. What puzzles me the most is that I am having them now, after a decade of the accident and what feels like a lifetime of not thinking too much about it. Right now, I am a little curious to see where my brain takes me with this. I can't say I would like to reconstruct a vivid image of what happened to me, but it is interesting -in a distressing, bizarre, painful kind of way-.

Why are these apparent memories showing up now?

Has something similar happened to you?

I'm 17 years old and I have been a paraplegic for longer than I was able to walk. I don't have clear memories of my time as a walker and I don't think about it at all. It was a very long time ago. So long that I feel I've always been this way.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I were home alone,playing on the living room. I tried to climb a wooden shelf and it fell on me. This caused a permanent spinal cord injury.

I don't have memories of the accident. The details I know, I know them because other people shared them with me. However, lately it seems like I am having flashbacks of what I think is the accident or something similar to it.

It is a little confusing and very strange. They are like short, disordered sounds and images without sequence that come to me when my mind wanders off. It isn't a pleasant experience. What puzzles me the most is that I am having them now, after a decade of the accident and what feels like a lifetime of not thinking too much about it. Right now, I am a little curious to see where my brain takes me with this. I can't say I would like to reconstruct a vivid image of what happened to me, but it is interesting -in a distressing, bizarre, painful kind of way-.

Why are these apparent memories showing up now?

Today I had a long day and was rude to a person I didn't know. I am not going to see or talk to this person again, so I won't have an opportunity to apologize and tell her how sorry I am for my conduct.

I feel gross inside.

What do you do when this type happens?

I'm not looking for advice (though you're welcome to offer some). I'm curious to know what you do with your own remorse when apologizing is not an option. If you haven't been on a situation like this, what do you think you would do?

My brother's father was a hunter and taxidermy aficionado. He killed and dissected a grand total of 43 animals, most of them deers, birds and foxes. As a last loving gesture for the son he barely saw or knew, he willed a fraction of his bizarre trophies to my brother.

We think they are grotesque and unnecessary. The sight of 15 dead animals staring back at us with glass eyes, with their jaws wide open and stiff necks isn't the best way to wake up. My brother's children are terrified of them and they take way too much space.

We tried to sell them to a second hand store (I suggested donating them to SPCA but my idea was met with little support) and to a local bar owner who has a few dead animals hanging on his wall. No one wanted them. We don't want them.

People say they cannot be worth much an they are pretty common animals. I'm sure there are tons of cadavers like these on display so there isn't much demand for them.

Our house is poor and tacky, but this too much, even for us. What else can we do with these things? What would you do if you inherited them?

And, have you inherited something bizarre, useless, creepy or otherwise unsettling?

A week ago I had one of those "movie-like" moments that seem so unlikely and absurd you don't even have time to be surprised that it happened.

I ran into an elderly couple who are related to former foster parents of mine (Mr. and Mrs. L). The woman is Mr. L's sister. I remember them from the occasional thanksgiving and christmas affairs I spent while living with the L family.

Mr. and Mrs. L adopted my younger brother and sister a lifetime ago. They are 14 and 15 today. Last time I saw them they were three and four years old. We haven't heard from them since as the L family moved to a new location shortly after the adoptions. I haven't thought of or wondered about my youngest siblings in a very long time, but running into their aunt made me miss them and ask myself questions.

The woman recognized me and said her pleasantries, asked if I had been adopted and what I was doing in the city. Last time we saw each other we were living in San Francisco. I was polite enough and asked about the L family in general, but couldn't bring myself to ask about my little brother and sister in particular. It was a strange feeling that prevented me from speaking up. A mixture of fear, sadness and detachment.

But the encounter has lingered on my thoughts. I feel like an idiot for missing such rare opportunity to learn about my siblings. I don't even know their new names. Frankly, my other siblings and I thought we would never hear or see them again.

Now, I'm not trying to imagine some hallmark movie family reunion, but it would be nice to at least know what their names are and where they are. I know I can find Mr. L's sister again, because I ran into her at work and my work has a costumer database...it wouldn't be the most honest thing in the world to use it for my own purposes, but I am kind of ok with that.

Unexplainable hesitation is holding me back. As a form of self-soothing, I imagined that my brother and sister had a picture perfect life in a beautiful upper class home and had a jovial, loving, normal family life, and not a care in the world. I convinced myself that there was no other alternative and that is how I stopped missing them. I fed on the promise that everything was ok with them and didn't have to worry about them.

If their lives are truly so perfect, or as close to perfection as money can take you, then I don't want to open a can of worms and taint that happiness. Just asking their aunt about them makes me feel like a filthy intruder in someone else's fairy tale.

And if their lives are not so perfect or if something happened to them, then I am not sure I have it in me to find out and have my peace of mind shattered by reality. Whatsmore, I can't be the agent that brakes that image for my other siblings, who like me where not adopted and always found comfort in knowing that at least two of us made it.

Too many variables and just one simple question. "How are your niece and nephew doing?" Argh!

Should I just put this encounter behind and soothe myself again to pretend it never happened? Or that it didn't mean anything?

Should I tell my oldest brother it happened? Let him take it from there? And revive the remorse and anguish of being separated?

Do I pop into this woman's doorstep and just ask the question?

I hate this. I knew I should have missed work that day.

How would you describe your current relationship with your siblings?

Considering that statistically, your siblings are the people you will share the largest portion of your life with (your parents are likely to die before you, you are likely to die before your children, you will only know your spouse for a fraction of your life) do you think that your relationship will improve over the years, or get worse?

Do you think you will become close when they become your only living relatives (from your immediate family) and overall, appreciate them more because of the shared life experience and biological bond? Or will it get worse, stay the same?

I know there is no way to know for sure. I'm just curious.

The adult children of Kimberly Garrity, a woman from Illinois, sued her for pain and suffering in 2009, claiming that the way she treated them as children burdens them to this day. The court dismissed the case. From what I have read until now, it doesn't seem like they were abused or neglected, they were just unhappy kids.

Do you think you have valid grounds to sue your parents?

Would you? Why?

What would you ask for to repair the damage of an unhappy childhood?

If so, what is it and what do you associate with it?

Have you or will you inherit a family heirloom or sentimental artifact which has been for more than two generations in your family? If so, what is it? How old is it?