Mal

I just read a long winded story that went on for pages and pages (you'll know the type. It gives you two sentences and then a "next" button). It was about a "celebrity" who found his credit card wouldn't work at the checkout. The woman that was behind him stumped up the $10 without realising who he was.

I wouldn't have known either. Asking the obvious......who is he?

Do you think the Greater Manchester Police van was asking for directions.

I'm nosey and like to check if a car is still on the road.

I was checking the Audi TT registration mark Y214 DCH on a 2014 re-run on the television and none of the sites had it listed.

I find it very mean of the media to have used her pictures in magazines and for only one of them to donate £50 which she put into her fund for starving kids.

Yet again I believe they should hang their heads in shame.

Umpteen firms have been awarded this "title" this year.

Has it been diluted?"

She learned on Sunday that she hadn't been invited. No-one has told me that I'm not invited. I've just taken it for granted that I'm not.

Does this mean that some 80 odd million of us can feel angry at not being invited?

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Easy jet," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Easy jet?" exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Easy jet's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the f*** did your hair?"

Why is it we're getting all these American jokes on here? (There's a statement underneath that says it was previously asked in America).

It wasn't funny then and it certainly isn't funny now. Don't the Americans realise they have a totally different sense of humour to us?

If a contractor decides he needs more workers, can that company create an umbrella company to act as an agency to employ people and thus evade the normal statutes?

After about 20 minutes the picture on my monitor starts to have a greying effect. It's a Medion LCD flat screen monitor.

Is this my monitor on the way out or is it my graphics card?

He met the invisible woman. They fell in love, got engaged and then married.

The marriage was bliss but.....

You're going to hate me for this......

The kids weren't much to look at!

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

She ate.....

and ate.....

and then.....

she ate some more!!!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas....she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she, painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.

The moral to this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of cr*p."

A lunatic escapes from the local asylum and hides up in a guest house.

He gets on well with the guest house 'char' women and they become romantically involved. Alas the 'char' women become pregnant so he makes a run for it and they complain to the authorities.

In "The Sun" newspaper the following day the headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts!"

She's posing beside her "before" cut out.

There's no way I'm going on that diet because she's lost about 4" in height and at 5'-2" I'm small enough to start with. It would make me about 4'-10"

I took the other half to a school reunion last night as part of our celebrations of 30 years of marriage. .

On a nearby table was sitting a drunk.

"Who's that?" I enquired quietly to the wife.

"That's my ex boyfriend. He hit the bottle when we split up."

"Jees" I said. "Who'd have thought a man could celebrate for so long?"

For Christmas I've bought my epileptic brother a strobe light.

He'll have a fit when he sees it.