Could somebody please critique this poem?

"Artist"


To make imaginings real is not
so difficult - this painting that I've got
half-done grew from my first reflecting that
a meld of hilly landscapes with the flat

would change straight lines of depth that merge,
toward point of vanishing converge -
they, depth-ward into distance shrinking,
diminuating sign-waves now become

A place as uniform as plane is this,
though hilly as one upland drizzles kiss,
but morning scene, sea-surge-like suburb-scape
from eaves-height viewed through eyes tear-eddies drape.

Impose, on third-D sign-waves growing small,
elliptic ripples, major axes all
contracting, snaking down horizon rays:
The anonym is blue some summer days.

Perhaps that background city's made him sad,
a tedium he grows less and less glad
to go to weekday mornings in that town,
some parabolic tower's looming frown.

Jack Mellender

Lapiz Dominoes2017-09-07T16:50:47Z

Favorite Answer

A good experienced to have my thinking stretched some.
At one point I was reminded of the elliptical journeying through Haydn`s `Creation.
This is a 10/ 10 both due to holding the theme without lapsing
and to holding to the line-break rhyming verse.

My sole thought of perhaps improving is
to place a comma after the word, `looming` in your final line
(or not! - as it may not be aligned with the overall tone you desire to convey).

This is music (cadence , harmonics), art and poem...I am privileged to have this to read
its integration of levels from abstracted descriptives, to the mundane.
An oeuvre.

?2017-09-07T16:38:29Z

It is good and I only see one minor error.
plane should be plain?

STORMY K2017-09-07T15:22:46Z

the photo is demanding. the poem is over my head. I guess your on the verge of excellence. But what do I know????