How do I avoid answering the call of a toxic parent?
My dad was a wonderful parent, until I was 14 years old. He married a woman who changed him completely. He went from being able to apologize and being me for who I am, to constantly shaming me for my personality and always putting me down even after my honorable achievements in life. Its been so mentally horrible, I ended up in the mental hospital when I was 22 years old; only to get a call from him saying he was ashamed of me and I was messing with his sheriff election. I have attempted to mend things with him multiple times, but it always ends in a huge wave of drama and anxiety for me. For example, this Christmas he called me on Christmas Eve causing drama because I offered to meet him at a restaurant. Now, he’s trying to call again, but I know he never changes. What should I do? How do I handle not answering the call? He is my biggest weakness and my biggest source of pain in life. I just need some guidance please. Thanks
?2020-01-21T06:43:24Z
I'm very sorry for what you have been going through, pursuing the love of a parent is one of the toughest things to do in life, and my heart goes out to you. Now, I want to be honest with you. At the beginning of your question you said that your dad was a wonderful parent until he married a woman who changed him completely. I disagree with you, sorry. A truly wonderful parent doesn't change and stops being a good parent. A good parent keeps being a good parent despite the partner he or she might have. Yeah, maybe his wife is not a good person, but if your dad were a good dad he wouldn't have left his wife to influence him and stop being a good dad to you. So no, first of all, stop being dishonest to you and accept that your dad was and is a crappy parent. This is him, a crappy dad that should have been for you but let you down. I know that truth hurts, because our parents are supposed to love us no matter what, and show it, however this is not always the case and sometimes they fail. They are human after all. This is something you do need to work on. Accepting that your dad is a flawed human being that wasnt and isn't the father you wish he were and probably will never be. Is it difficult to accept that? Yes. Is it impossible? No. It's not impossible once you realise many other people have dealed with this very same situation and they eventually learnt that it's ok to forgive and let go. You need to eventually forgive your dad for being a bad and weak parent but you also need to let go of the expectation of him ever changing. You have tried to mend things with him w no results, it's rather masochistic to keep insisting, knowing that causes a drift in your mental health. So with all the pain in your heart you do need to let this go. How? No contact with him. He's not going to change, but you can change the attitude you face this situation with. You can choose yourself over him. You can choose to keep your mental peace over having to deal w his drama. You can choose not to answer the phone and block his number and move on. You can choose to look for therapy to work on this issue in order to learn coping techniques and heal from this. You can also choose to occupy your time and create and nurture new bondings w other people that want you in their lives and deserve it. you can choose aall this i mentioned above, but you do need to choose yourself first. Hope this helps. And even though i don't know you, I send you a big warm hug.
If you feel compelled to talk to him, set boundaries. If he says something mean, don't take the bait. Instead say, "I'm hanging up now. We'll talk soon Bye " And then hang up. Even if you're with him, change the subject or leave if he misbehaves. He'll learn. If you can, see a therapist. If you must, ignore him completely.