For step-parents... How do you deal with completely different parenting styles?

It can definitely be frustrating, I feel your pain! But it has always been my experience that undesirable behavior is worst in the immediate time after the kids arrive. As long as you just stand your ground that "These are the rules, you know it, now follow the rules." and they get into the groove of being at home in your home.

There is really nothing you can do about how their mother is raising them, not unless it is bad enough to warrant legal action. Just try to be the best influence you can in the time the kids are with you. Give them lots of love and patience. In the long run the kids will continue to use the good habits and values learned from you, whether they have encouragement from their mother or not.

At ages 6 and 11 I think they are old enough to understand what the rules are in your home and to obey them. I can see how they may forget some things, like washing their hands after using the restroom, if their mom doesnt teach them to and isnt harping on them from the time they were old enough to use the restroom to get it programed into their brains that after going to the bathroom you wash your hands, then when they are at your house they may need some reminding.

You should definitely keep your rules and just remind them that when they are at their "other home" (your home) then they follow the rules of that house.

I would just be sure that you guys arent yelling at them or making them feel like they do every thing wrong when they are with you. If they have no punishment at home and then come to stay with you guys and are constantly getting yelled at then they will start to think you guys dont like them or want them there. I am not saying dont enforce the rules, just make sure you get down on their level and explain where you are coming from.

Also you might see if they would like the idea of a chore or rules chart that has some of the basic rules and when they do all the things with out being told they get some small reward, like being able to pick the movie you are going to rent or pick what to have for dinner. Also I know from my personal experience, a checklist type chart in the bathroom on the wall with things like "washed hands after going to the bathroom" and "Brushed Teeth" worked really well. Seeing it while in the bathroom reminded my son to do those things, plus he loved checking off his "duties"!

Different rules are not really a bad thing. There's different rules, and they change throught life. A good thing to learn too. What's important is that you are consistent with the rules and consequences when they are with you. YOu won't be able to influence the other persons home if they don't want to do it.