I REALLY need some discipline advice re: my 9 yr. old ADD son?

I seriously doubt your son has ADD. Too many doctors slap kids with an ADD diagnosis when that's NOT even the issue. If your son has it, why isn't he on Adderal or another ADD or ADHD medication?

Most ADD & ADHD kids are misdiagnosed. Your son needs to have a brain scan done & more testing to make sure he really does have this condition. I highly recommend the book "The ADD Answer" by Dr. Frank Lawlis. He's also on the Dr. Phil show on CBS who heads up the show's after care board of professionals. Another great book is Dr. Phil's "Family First."

Inconsistent parenting is also a key in your additional comments. Letting certain things slide is a big mistake. Be consistent in taking things away for every rule broken. If your son calls his sister a butthead & that's not allowed, take away his TV viewing for the day. If he says it again, take away his computer time. If he says it a third time, the PS2. Also, make him apologize to his sister for calling her that name. Soon your son will realize that if he does A, B will happen & B sucks because he can't play the PS2 or go onto the computer or whatever.

None of those working? Go commando parent on him. Remove EVERYTHING from his room besides his clothing, bed, dresser, nightstand or other furniture, including books, posters, games, toys, etc. Box and/or bag everything up & lock it into a closet, storage shed, garage or other place that he can't get into. If he does get to his things, move the stuff to a relative's home or outside storage unit like one that's advertised on TV such as Public Storage, U-Stor It, etc. Tell him that he can earn his things back ONE at a time. For every week that goes by where he doesn't call names, is rude or whatever, he can have one toy, book, game or other item back. THEN follow through & give it back. If he cuts up again, take the item back & start over.

I've done all this with my 10 year old. He was misdiagnosed as ADD 4 years ago. I knew he wasn't as I'd read up on the condition & knew my son wasn't even close. My insurance wouldn't pay for a brain scan & I don't have the money for one on my own. After reading Dr. Phil's "Family First" book & watching his shows about him suggesting commando parenting, I knew I could try this to see if it worked. It DOES work. YES, it's hard! YES, I felt like the worst parent when I took his things away! It worked because my son soon realized that he valued his books, games, toys & posters more than he valued misbehaving or smart-mouthing me. He now realizes that if he smart off or breaks a rule, he'll lose his Gameboy time, Game Cube time, TV and/or computer time. While he hasn't broken a rule in a few weeks, I know he will eventually as kids often forget what their supposed to do.

I have our household rules printed out on poster board. I wrote them out with my son's help & I have 3 boards, one is the rules, one is a rewards board & the other is the consequence for the rule breaking. The rules are posted in his bedroom, the dining room, his bedroom & the family room. This way, he can refer to them at any time & not try to tell me he didn't know the rule or didn't read it. The rewards board is made up of stickers that I got cheap at Wal-Mart. He can earn more TV, Gameboy or Cube time or more play time with friends.

We also adhere to the contract in the "Family First" book. Ours has been modified for our family seeing as it's just him & I. We follow the basic guidelines & have added or removed what we need.

Bottom line, CONSISTENT parenting is what will change things for your son.

First of all, how was diagnosis made for his ADD? This is really important. For it to be done properly, he would need to be seen by a neurologist, have a brain scan done, have chemical analysis and hormones checked, and undergo psychological screening by professionals. Only then, can there be an assured diagnosis. Other than that, for example if a regular family doctor just "thought" he might have ADD, that is not enough. So lets move on from that...

What your son is missing out on is proper parenting - I am not saying that to be mean, truly. You need to instill discipline in your home (and I do NOT mean punishment), scheduling and structure. This is important for all kids, and especially for boys. Do not let ANYTHING slide; consistency with parenting and discipline is very important; you and your husband need to be on the exact same page. Secondly, you have to STOP coddling him and making him a mama's boy; that is doing both him and you no good whatsoever.

You need to do some reading, and maybe take some parenting classes. All the things you mention can be dealt with rather easily, with some of the things I mentioned before.

First, don't let anything "slide". Give an inch, take a mile. Second, instead of taking his favorite things away, try throwing them away. I'll bet you'll only have to do that a couple times (if you're consistant) at most. He's doing it because he's getting away with it. The family shouldn't have to miss out of lots of fun because of him or they will start to blame you for letting them down. Let him stay with a sitter (as much as it will hurt you) while you and the rest of the family go and do what you've planned on doing. I'm sure he's a great kid but he's got to learn that he has to show that he is. Consistancy is the key and it will hurt you more than him while you're trying to get him back on track so stay strong and do your job as mom. Good luck!

My 12 year old has ADHD.he is very mean to siblings as well.He take concerta.( witch I am changing)He sees A consular,and therapist .they have helped alot.I have 2 other kids and discipline is the same for all.I did let things slide with Joe but nothing got better just worse.the other kids felt I liked Joe better.So now it's all the same and it works better.We do A check list,if they get in trouble they get A mark,talking back,saying mean things to one another,etc.. At the end of the week if you have 10 checks you loose TV time for the next week or in till they have under 10 checks.

There are some considerations here with A.D.D. as you know .The good news is that all can be managed more easily.If he has a Therpaist- ask them for some clear cut problem solving help.If he is only being treated by his Pediatician than here are some helpfull tips.Structure.

kids with A.D.D./A.D.H.D. have an increased need for highly structured enviornments,stability,low noise ,low distractions etc.

There are some excellent books out now at your local Library on this issue.Many people that do not understand& will try to tell you to do this or that and severly punish him.I would give him a space,an area of the house that doesnt distract others where he can roll a ball[maybe like a large yoga one] some really cool things like magnets,simple things that are in motion[remember hyperactive kids used to be called "hyperkinetic"back in the day meaning "in constant motion" anyway,nerf balls,indoor basketball,things he can manipulate,etc.if you have the space you can teach him -that space is where he can "be more active"and the common areas like living room,kitchen,etc.are more quiet areas.

whenever you see him getting bored,try to suggest an activity in the other room,or an activity he can do that keeps him occupied wihtout disturbing others.The name calling and being mean is him seeking negative attention.Sports are also a great realease,if he likes to go out in the yard and kick around a soccer ball?when he tires himself out and is calm,its a great time to tell him how good he is at this or that.Sometimes it gets so habitual to try to correct the negative,we do not praise the positive enough.It sounds like you are very Interested in helping him and there is alot of good info out there.These kids are also highly intelligent and therefore easily bored.Good Luck

Boy..you have your hands full!

One thing that pops into my attention is where you say you let certain things 'slide'. Hard as it sounds...that probably only emboldens him to continue that behavior.

Taking away privileges is a good start..but one thing I've noticed is that Rewarding Good behavior has a much better outcome than only disciplining bad behavior. Realistically you probably don't have a lot of time to put these into practice..but it sounds as if you are quite stressed due to this.

Do you have a support group of other parents of ADD kids? I imagine you'd get a wealth of info from them.

Good luck.

First you need to understand that this is also the age where this happens. My son is 8 and is not ADD and is still rude. We just keep taking away things or sending him to his room. We talk to him about the proper way to behave and what's acceptable to us and what's not. It takes time, I know. But if you stay consistant he will learn. My son is a lot like yours. One minute he's a sweet mommy's boy, next he's acting out. It's just part of their age, this is when we as parents have to really step up and keep telling them they are wrong in this action. He will learn. Just keep teaching him. It's hard I know.

First of all, your not being mean when you dissiplin a child, you do it because you care about them. Take away his TV, and dont let him go out on the weekends, ground him from his favorit foods. Make him only eat salads with no dressing, veggies, nasty stuff like that, but not too nasty. Make him stay somewhere where theres like nothing, mabey the laundry room. Kids hate that. Good Luck!

Why not try getting him involved in soemthing that will keep him very busy and no time to smart off and being bored? Do you know of some place like a dude ranch? Or just a country setting where there is lots of different chores that need to be done?

Sounds like he has a lot of time on his hands......keep him busy!!

Consistency, consistency, consistency...If he's punished for a behavior once, he has to be punished every time he produces this behavior. The punishment has to be immediate, no tip toeing around. He has to know what is expected of him and know clearly what the consequences are when he misbehaves.