Would you feel used by your daughter? (sorry so long)?

Question

My husband has had custody of his daughter since she was 7. At the age of 16 she announced she wanted to live with her mother. We were not too thrilled about the decision but understood her need to want to bond with her mom. At 17 she decided to come back and finish her last year of high school with us. When we asked “why” she said she “didn’t connect well with the community” where her mother lives. We’ve been talking a lot about college these days and agreed we can afford to pay 50% and she should get the other 50% from her mom (who make the same amount of money we do). Well she came back from visiting her mom over the holidays and now she wants to go to college in the same town her mother lives and her mom can’t afford to pay anything for college so she will have to get the money from us or a student loan.

Update:

Remember this is the same community “she didn’t connect well with.” We just don’t know what to think of this and when we asked her why the change of plans she screams “everybody is pressuring me to do what they want and nobody cares what I want.” Now my husband is starting to feel like she has been taking advantage of him. I want to be supportive of her decisions but now I’m wondering why she came back. Can anyone put this into perspective for me?

stargirl · Accepted Answer

It seems like she wants her mom but after 10+ years she isn't really connecting with her. So I think you'll probably see a lot of this coming and going as far as her mom is concerned. She wants her mother but she also wants what is familar (you and her dad). I'd stick with the 50% on your end and if mom won't help then she'll have to get the other 50% herself whether through working, or loans or whatever. She'll probably appreciate her education more this way anyway. She may go out to mom's community to go to school for a couple semesters and then come back, expect it, don't give her too hard a time about it. She's gonna have to figure it out herself. Just remember the important thing is she's in school.

Developing Minds · Answer

Maybe it's time to have a little heart to heart with her and a communication with her mother who is at least partially responsible for the girl. The girl is at an age where being able to belong on your own terms is important. She may have hidden her insecurities until now (she may have thought that her mother abandoned her), but they are surfacing now. The mother might be pressuring her emotionally... you won't know until you ask your husband's daughter. Guessing won't work too well here. Just let her know that you will give her all the support she needs and she will always find a loving home to come back to, but that you are looking for answers because you feel somewhat used too. Honesty (tactful) will get you more answers...

smarty pants · Answer

if daddy can (and is willing to) foot the entire bill himself, that's his choice, since you say you can afford to pay 1/2 then go ahead and just do that, as for the other 1/2:

#1 - if mommy can't/won't help pay but daddy has custody and is recieving child support from her then he can go to court and request that this support continue through college to help him pay for the other 1/2

#2 - there's always student loans/grants/scholarships, etc.

happychick · Answer

collage is a very important step in a persons life. the decision where that person will attend should be theirs. it should have nothing to do the money you can afford to pay to support her attending. if you can afford only 50% of tuition then dont break yourselves trying to pay more, but dont give up on her either because of her decision on where she attends.

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Would you feel used by your daughter? (sorry so long)?

4 Answers