I moved in with a woman that I am in love with. We have decided to get married but her 11 year old son objects

Postpone the wedding until you can come to terms with the son. Perhaps you should arrange some family counseling for the 3 of you.

Its not the 11 year olds fault that his parents couldn't wait to break up their family until he was full grown. And now Mom wants to remarry? Very selfish. You say yourself you don't know if you can love the kid basically. Leave the kid alone. Come back with he's 18. Tell mom she made a commitment to her son the second he was conceived. She owes him her full attention and the best she's got in her to give her son a decent upbringing. This kid isn't finished yet. Can you imagine being an outsider in your own home???

The kid did nothing to deserve this hassle. More than likely he hasn't even had his first kiss yet but he's working on his second dad?? How fair is that to him?

I know I'm going to get tons of thumbs down I don't care. This is about a kid and the right to being brought up by people that adore him and want only the best for him every minute, every second of every day of his life. He deserves this.

How much time does mom put in to your relationship? Does she put half of that into the relationship with her son?? Move out too as long as Im being honest. Let that kid alone and make mom be a mom. It was her choice to have him now she needs to finish raising him or he's going to end up a little drugged out thief on the streets. You think Im wrong?

"Stash",

Sorry you have to deal with this, but you and your Fiancee' can get through this. 1 thing you can do is see a Counselor and explain what is going on with your future step-son before you marry and start your lives together. Obviously the Boy has issues with this "Union" and he is "acting out" over it. He needs help dealing along the way! After all, not all kids learn patience right away or accept the new "concept" of the parent not only remarrying, but also "moving into HIS space", which is probably what he thinks. Kids get jealous but this boy, being destructive, arguing, blows up, could be an Anxiety problem and he should get checked out for it. He has anger building inside and he needs to get it worked out NOW, so don't wait because once you marry his Mom and move in and things aren;t resolved with the Boy, he will more than blow up next time, and you certainly don't want that as a Newlywed to start your "new" life.

Alot of times it;s a case of the child needing to adjust to the new life around him and the acting out is showing that.

Well, that's my suggestion, all 3 of you see a Counselor first and iron it out now, then you and the son can do things together so that he is getting used to you, and give him time to develop his like for you, etc. and the 3 of you can go and do fun things together before the marriage so that the Boy doesn't feel excluded. By all means, you're prepared with the rings, etc. so just go on schedule with this as planned.

This will also show the Son that going on with this marriage, he is not in control. Try not to back out. I am sure it's all a matter of him not being used to the idea of "another man" in his life, let alone physically being around. I'm sure he'll adjust in time with guidance and help him feel involved in your lives so that he doesn't feel left out!

The best to you all!

This one hits close to home.

It's a tough situation. I've read all the answers and think good points have been brought up.

You must remember there are always at least two sides to a story. In this case, there are three: Yours, your fiancee's and her child's.

I'd say go to therapy. You and her, as adults, and see what kind of arrangement you can work on.

Then, as a couple, as a team, you talk to the boy (in front of a therapist) and have an honest talk.

If the child understands his mom is entitled to try to find happiness with another man that is not his dad, a lot will have been won. If you tell him you want to try to be a good stepdad and a good husband, he will perhaps be less anguished.

I know it will be tough, and I know that the fact you are thinking this over means you are aware that it won't be easy or ha-ha all the time. Still, if you really think that this woman and you can be happy together, then go for it! I wish you the best and hope the boy can be able to understand- through help and therapy- that his mom won't love him any less if she marries you.

I don't answer many of these, hon, but you guys are just about at your wits end, it looks like..... try this:

He may indeed be angry, but you and she run the household, and you and she are the adults, and you and she are the team. He is doing a number on the two of you, and if gets the wedding postponed, he wins. I'm sure you have second thoughts... it is not a natural thing for a man to raise other men's children. Don't expect to educate this kid, you need to train him, just like you train a dog... the "if-then" contract as outlined below... works every time... kids just take a little longer.... longer even than a horse.

However, you and she need to make him understand that he may have all the resentment in the world, he is, however required to keep it to himself, and you make the consequences severe if he acts out... And you WRITE out these consequences and they are put in his room---taped to the inside of the door.

Make 'em tight... no tv, no friends, stuck in his room no phone, nothing but books for a weekend. or every day for three days after school... dinner will be given to him on a paper plate with plastic forks...yadadada.make it tuff, but short..... (don't make the time too long... he may dig himself in so deep you guys won't be able to let him out until he's 37) But he'll catch on....

This is called the "If then" contract, and even the smallest child understands it..." If you touch the stove, you get burned... etc".

She need to tell him that she understands that he is unhappy, however..... this is what is going to happen anyway... no pleading , no "don't you want mommy to be happy??? (and his answer is no, he does not want her to be happy... you are taking time from her that he could have...) He just doesn't know why he is unhappy...you now do.

Is the father available? It would be nice if he were on your side as well. the son could be offered a time out at dad's house.... that would REALLY get this kid shaped up fast.

Helpful?.

Try to put yourself in his shoes....there is a man who wants to move in and become partners with his mother...father is out of the picture?....Where does that leave him?

You need to take him out and have a man to man chat. Let him know that you're not there to replace his dad, but to be his friend. Let him know that you have no intentions of taking his mother away from him and that you intend to make him part of your life every bit as much as you intend to make his mother happy.

He's reacting out of fright for the future. The unknown. It's the most natural thing in the world for him to do. Try to include him in the wedding plans. Have him stand up for you. Let him help plan the wedding. When you marry someone with a kid, you marry the kid too. Kudos for talking to him all the way through the moving in process - keep it up!

The 11y/o knows that he has power over his Mom and is using it because he feels that he is not the only one his mother loves. He needs to know that his mother still loves him and that love is a bottomless pit that never runs dry.

Then Mom needs to know that an 11 y/o does not know enough about life and love to even have a say in matters like this.

The new father needs to gain the 11 y/o son's trust by proving that he is reliable and trustworthy by being consistent, fair and true.

I understand what the 11 year old is thinking. He doesn't want anyone to replace his biological father, nor take the place of. You love this woman, yet her son is having a bit of difficulty. I suggest you go through with the wedding! I'm 15 years old if I was in the child's shoes I would be angry too. Because the same thing happened to me when I was 9. My mom died of breast cancer when I was 7, my dad felt as if I needed a new mother. I was angry, angry at everyone, because I loved my mom more than anything. Yet I despised the woman he was going to marry, for plenty of reasons...such as she reminded me so much of my mom. I just couldn't take it. I hated her for it. But my dad went through with the wedding. I was angry at them both. But as years went by, I finally understood why my father fell for her and I grew to respect her, I don't even think of her as a step mom. But as my best friend.

I hope this helps!

My mother went through the same thing when she married my stepfather. He had five girls all of which lived with him.They were all extremely rebellious, especially his 16 year old, about the situation. They showed my mother no respect and deliberately defied her. They would go as far as to call my mother a b*tch in front of her. When their father would confront them about their actions they would replay that she was controlling him and that he did not love them. My mother put all of her time and energy in to trying to get their respect, so much so that she no longer had time for my sister and me. Things never changed no matter what my parents tried. Ten years later all my stepsisters now live with there mother and from what we hear they treat their mother's boyfriend the exact same way.

...In other words, good luck buddy!

Wow!!! That's a tough one. If you was to marry her it would be a problem but there are ways to handle this. When I married my husband he had a young child and that boy put me through hell and the mother too. She would tell him things like he does not have 2 mothers and I was not suppose to kiss him etc. I was so frustrated with that child and his mother but I did not let that boy take my happiness away. I married my husband and it was tough, we been married 10 years now and the boy is now 10 years old and he has learned to deal with it. My point to you is, things will get better, you have to think about your happiness. If you love this women go for it however, if you really feel that you can't handle it then do not marry her... Good Luck to you!!!!

Stop it now. You are ruining a young man's life and yours.

That is the most difficult part. The child is already in his pre-teens at the start of your relationship. If he doesn't accept you, chances are he won't come around. He is forcing his mother to choose. And you are in a no win situation till he is at least 18.

Many men, myself included, have mental problem playing dad to kids they did father. Good thing you recognize it and not fight it in the name of love.