What do you think? funny? It's long but stick with it. Pun intended?

One of my favourites.

So, do you WAX?????

Only a woman can laugh at this. No one else would dare! Hope you enjoy!

This has to be one of the funniest and most awful scenarios I have ever

heard of... Bless this woman!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,

painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now.... The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner;

played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my

mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should do the hair removal thing for

the month?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold

wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in

your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your

leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off! No mess, no fuss. How hard

can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but am mechanically inclined enough

that I can figure it out.

*YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each together,

stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hairdryer

and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my r e a r end (Oh, how this phrase

haunts me!).

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do

this!!!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body

hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!

With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak

back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop

my p a n t i e s and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the

bikini line, covering the right half of my 'you know what' and stretching down to the

inside of my b u t t cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and

brace myself....

RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH DEAR GOD !!!!!!!!!!!

I'm making noises that only dogs can hear .

Vision slowly returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half

of the strip. S**T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP...

Everything is swirly and spotted . I cannot breath or speak - I have

forgotten how ..

Do I hear crashing drums?????

Wait a few minutes and I'm back to normal (nearly) After all this I want to

see my trophy !!! - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused

me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my

triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it!

Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still

perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the

strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most

sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . .

Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do

something, so I put my foot down.

DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

V? Sealed shut!

B u t t?? Sealed shut!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and

think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand

into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should

melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??

WRONG!!!!

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than then that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilise surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together

is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.

In scalding hot water!! (Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax) So, now

I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man what convinced me I

should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely

she's waxed before and has come secret of how to get me undone. It's a very

good conversation starter, "So my b u t t and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!

There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to

hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is

located.

"Are we talking b u t t o c k cheek or is it covering - you know -

Everywhere(cringe factor 20000 at this point) ?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and

she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!

I should be the 'b u t t' of someone else's work-night jokes.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with

a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in

hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry

shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip

into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand

reaches towards the saving grace...The lotion they give you to remove the

excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY

GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my

friend, but I really don't care!!

"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and

she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to

my grief and despair...

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair colour . . . .