Tink

Two families going on holiday together drive in separate cars. The little girls in the back seats of each car are texting each other on their cell phones and giggling.

One of the girls says to her mum "am I a v i r g i n?" The mother thinking this is a good opportunity to tell her the truth, launches into her 'facts of life speech'.

The little girl squirms and shouts "eeeewwww mum, stop it!" 'Well why did you ask then' the mother says.

The little girl looked at her mum and said through tears "I just wanted to know if I was with the v i r g i n or the 02 network!"

One of my favourites.

So, do you WAX?????

Only a woman can laugh at this. No one else would dare! Hope you enjoy!

This has to be one of the funniest and most awful scenarios I have ever

heard of... Bless this woman!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,

painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now.... The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner;

played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my

mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should do the hair removal thing for

the month?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold

wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in

your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your

leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off! No mess, no fuss. How hard

can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but am mechanically inclined enough

that I can figure it out.

*YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each together,

stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hairdryer

and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my r e a r end (Oh, how this phrase

haunts me!).

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do

this!!!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body

hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!

With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak

back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop

my p a n t i e s and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the

bikini line, covering the right half of my 'you know what' and stretching down to the

inside of my b u t t cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and

brace myself....

RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH DEAR GOD !!!!!!!!!!!

I'm making noises that only dogs can hear .

Vision slowly returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half

of the strip. S**T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP...

Everything is swirly and spotted . I cannot breath or speak - I have

forgotten how ..

Do I hear crashing drums?????

Wait a few minutes and I'm back to normal (nearly) After all this I want to

see my trophy !!! - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused

me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my

triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it!

Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still

perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the

strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most

sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . .

Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do

something, so I put my foot down.

DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

V? Sealed shut!

B u t t?? Sealed shut!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and

think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand

into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should

melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??

WRONG!!!!

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than then that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilise surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together

is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.

In scalding hot water!! (Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax) So, now

I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man what convinced me I

should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely

she's waxed before and has come secret of how to get me undone. It's a very

good conversation starter, "So my b u t t and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!

There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to

hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is

located.

"Are we talking b u t t o c k cheek or is it covering - you know -

Everywhere(cringe factor 20000 at this point) ?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and

she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!

I should be the 'b u t t' of someone else's work-night jokes.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with

a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in

hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry

shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip

into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand

reaches towards the saving grace...The lotion they give you to remove the

excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY

GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my

friend, but I really don't care!!

"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and

she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to

my grief and despair...

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair colour . . . .

A gynecologist decides that he'd had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible.

"200 points out of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?"

So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the muffler."

Little Paul went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided

that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well

Paul, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy

you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for

one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He

finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,

Paul

Now, Paul knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he

ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,

I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Your Truly,

Paul

Well, Paul knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried

again.

Dear Jesus,

I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Yours

Paul

Well, Paul looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his

mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of

almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and

went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the

way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally

found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Paul went inside and knelt

down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Paul finally got

up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of

a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it

under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,

I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,

You know who

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up to the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutter -

"Pizza delivery guy".

open this attachment?

This is what it says:

File Type: PowerPoint Document file

File Extension: .pps

Description: This document is a PowerPoint presentation.

Thanks in advance

Tink xxx

A woman was admitted to hospital today aster having phone s £ x.

Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorola's and 1 Samsung.

No Siemen was found!

I've just put my tea in the fridge and took the milk to the patio, Oh God help me! I think I should come with a warning today!

What silly thing have you done?

Tink xxx

what one person would you want to be with you?

Tink xxx

Brandy or the wine?

What's your favourite drink? Milk is mine but tonight it's the hard stuff!!!

Thanks in advance

Tink xxx

Advice to the Boss on How to Enhance Our Working Relationship

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a 'rush job', run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where your going. It gives me the chance to be creative when somebody asks me where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to be more independent and do without any help, which is why I work here..

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess. It builds management skills and my inate ability of mind reading.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and I really have nowhere to go and nothing else to do. My life is yours.

7. If a job pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have any special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done, or better yet until it is done, so I can learn repetitive perfection doing it your way.

10. Never introduce me to people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone else is less fortunate.

want's to come and what are you bringing?

Mwah to ya

Tink x

and help me beat hell out of my computer!

Not getting all my mail again, oh God I hope it doesn't have a repeat of yesterday!!

I have the hammer so no need to bring one!

Thanks for the txt`s guys, and yes still considering the 360!

Tink xxx

CONVERSATIONS WITH TECHNICAL SUPPORT

• Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"

Customer: "Word 6.0."

• Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"

Customer: "Netscape."

Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"

Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

• Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"

Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."

• Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"

Customer: "I think it had Office 97."

• Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

• Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."

Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"

Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."

• Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"

Customer: "the top one."

• Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

• Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "

Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"

• Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."

Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

same people/avatars on here all the time, and if so why?

Thanks in advance Guys

Tink xxx

Yup posted before, but this is for a pal!

Time and children had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her! to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry ... How soon can I go home?"

Have a great week! And, when you see Edna around the pool, be sure to say hello.

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst s £ x with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill said, "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."

"I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."