Talking to a 4 yr old about good touch and bad touch...sugestion on things I should know.?

This is an awesome question to ask. I am going to give you a little history of what I went through, and how if I had talked to my son about this things would have been different. My 6 year old son was molested by his 7 year old cousin 3 weeks before christmas this year. They had put their mouths on eachothers "you know whats". My son is a very timid, polite, caring boy and would have never done this on his own. My nephew on the other hand has been allowed to do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it. He is very hard to handle. Anyway, my son was very upset about this, and had just taken a "my body is my body" course at school, and felt he could come to me with this information. I was shocked and horrified. He said he did it because if he didn't then his cousin would tell that he (my son) made him (my nephew) do it. When I talked to my son about it, I told him boys should never share their privates with other boys, that when they grow up and find a girl to marry (idealisticly) that they can share their privates with girls then. He said "I didnt know that". My fault for not talking to him about it. Since then he has been in counselling, and I have learned that when talking to a child about touching, you make sure you use the correct terms "penis" and "vagina". You make sure you tell them that if someone touches them and it makes them feel bad that they should tell an adult, and then if that adult doesnt do anything tell another adult. Someone they can trust. Tell them that their body is their body and anything that is covered up by a baithing suit is private and only for them. That anything under a baithing suit is a "no touch zone" and that no one should touch there. Libraries have lots of resources for this stuff, and if not there, then go to a counselling place and ask for information. I know there are story books that you can read that are age apropriate. The more informed you are about this before you talk to your child, the less confusion there will be, and the less chance he or she will be sexually abused. I am so happy that you are talkign to your daughter at such a young age about this. Most people are afraid to, or think that it is not proper. This world is a horrible place these days, but if we give our children the proper tools they will make it through it just fine.

I just wanted to add that when you tell her to talk to an adult, you have to make sure that she knows she wont be in trouble. When my son told me about this I kept telling him how proud I was of him for telling me. I never told him he was in trouble for what happened. I made sure I stayed positive and supportive.

Also, by talking to her about this now, you are opening the lines of communication and you should talk to her about it every now and then (like every 6 months just remind her and let her have her input and ask questions). If you keep this line of communication open, she will be more willing to come to you with problems etc when she gets older.

Good luck!

First, I think you're overreacting a bit. You should consider giving your child the credit he deserves in deciphering that a spanking from Mommy/Daddy is different from an inappropriate touch by a predator. Second, it's Mommy's and Daddy's job to talk to the child when the child is very young, but still old enough to understand. Third, these types of presentations should have taken place when we were children so that so many of my peers weren't too afraid or confused about why it was that the babysitter's 17 yr old son rubbed her on her girl parts and was this a "secret between" said 17 yr old and little girl? or was it okay for that boy to touch that man's pee-pee? or was it a cool game for that nice school janitor to show that kid his prized posession? Thank goodness it's 2007, and not 1977 when these tactics were unheard of when I was in grade school. Horrific acts like that were falling by the wayside and not being confronted. Last, I am glad that you mentioned it. I am going to call my local YWCA and see if they have a presenter who gives such talks. If not, I will petition for it. I have young children, too.

Sexual abuse has always been a stunning 3 out of 5 girls and 2 out of 5 boys. I think it's just people's awareness and the media coverage has gone up a lot.

I think you'll have to be blunt with your daughter and express that when someone touches her private parts or tries to get her to touch that person's private parts, she needs to tell you because that's very wrong for someone to do to a little girl. Also explain to her it's different whenever she is being bathed but tell her to ask whoever is bathing her to let her wash her own private parts with that person's head turned away.

It may also help make the conversation more comfortable for you if you explain other safety tips, regarding lots of other things from home accidents to bike safety to street smarts in general. The more you familiarize her with these things the more confident she will be to react in a proper way--that goes for all things. I would say talk to her about ALL OF THAT around twice a year. You don't want her to forget but you also don't want her to obsess either.

Some very stunning facts are that most molestations happen by a family member, or someone that the child knows. It makes it easier to use scare tactics on a child to get the child to be quiet about the whole thing. That's the reason when you're bathing your child it's a good idea to look at her body if you've noticed any changes in her behavior. Although changes are common in a child's behavior at different developmental stages in her life, it's not going to go from one extreme to the next.

I would also subscribe to the local sexual offender database. If your state doesn't have one, in all honesty, I would move.

My kids are 6, 4, and 3 - I think at this age they're too young to distinguish between good and bad touches.... and frankly other than the parents or a doctor, there is no good touches involving kids private parts. How I went about it is I explained we all have private parts, and let them know what they were. I then explained they can touch their own private parts, or its ok for mommy to when helping go the potty.... but NOONE else is allowed to touch their privates and they are NOT allowed to touch anyone else's - EVER. And if anyone tries to touch them there, or asks them to touch their private parts, they're to run away and tell me immediately. There can be no gray areas here, kids that young won't understand it then. I can then discern if a really bad thing happened, or it was innocent (like thier grandmother helping them on the potty).

When they get older, you can get into more details, but at four, I think the above suffices. I think its great you're talking to your daughter about this, I think too many people don't. Good luck!!

They way I did it with my 3 year old was while I was helping her with her bath I just asked her to wash the privates of her body. She knew one, so I explained to her that we have parts of our body that are private and no one should see or touch the privates of her body. If that does happen she needs to tell me and I will take care of it. Nobody can hurt me because God protects mommies from the bad guys. I also told her if she was uncomfortable anytime anyone was with her she could tell me.

She just told her daddy a few days ago that he could not help her go potty because he can't see the privates of her body, so it worked for her, she understood it.

I know some people use the bathing suit rule. If it is covered up by a bathing suit, it is private and no one should touch.

I know as a parent you feel a little strange talking about it but try to remember, your little one has no modesty per se and this will not phase them any other way than a normal conversation about how milk is made will. It is information to them, they don't see it the same way we do. Knowing that might make it easier to talk about it.

I think now 'they' suggest you dont use the phrases good touch and bad touch. It is confusing for a kid who thinks it feels good but is feeling bad inside that it is happening. That is one reason they wont tell because if it is a bad touch it shouldn't feel good so something must be bad with them. Just my two cents of pshyobabble.

First, we don't call it good touch/bad touch any more. What we tell kids is that there are private parts on their body that no one should touch. The parts on the body that no one should touch are the parts that are covered by underwear or a swimsuit. Then we tell them that if anyone ever touches their private parts or touches any part of their body in a way they don't like, they should tell a grownup. You can go over a list of grownups they can tell and should include on that list grownups who are outside the family circle (like police and teachers). You also need to tell her to keep telling a grownup until someone makes the touching stop. You should also teach her the correct names for both male and female body parts just like you teach nose, ears, eyes, and mouth. There are some books available at the book store, like "Look inside the human body" that are made for younger children that you can use to teach the correct names of all body parts. Lastly, after you talk about touching with your child, don't rattle off a list of names and ask if any of those people have touched them. Just reinforce that its OK to tell and that they won't get in trouble for telling.

There is no good touch when it comes to a childs genitals. I have told my kids that if a doctor has to look at it, I will be there with them, if medicine needs applied I let them do it. You need to let her know that no one, even family, has the right. my grandfather abused me, and I make it clear to my kids that no one, not mommy, not daddy, not grandpa, not teachers etc have the right to touch your genitals or breast. It is almost always some one they know. And I also ask them a few times a year in casual conversation (when we are alone) if anyone ever has. Stress to her that you wont be mad, my grandfather told me my parents would be really mad at me if I told them, so I have reinforced that I would NEVER be mad no matter what the person says. Try to stay calm and not over react when talking that way she feels at ease with the subject.

Oh and I need to add, let her know other kids cannot touch her or ask her to touch them either, my sister thought she had everything covered (all the things I just stated) and another boy in my nephews 2nd grade class was abusing him and 2 other boys, so I now add no other children or teenagers, basically only they are allowed to touch there.

ok my daughter's Prek teacher made it basic for children to understand:

Anything that is covered by a swim suit are private spots and you should talk to parents about anyone touching those spots. I went on to explain to my children that the only time they are to be touched only at bathtime with a washcloth by parents and grandparents or if they need help wiping at the potty at home and at school. So the bathroom is the only place for these things to happen. Keeping it this simple is benefical for children to comprehend this issue.

This is a good question. You just need to sit her down and ask her if she knows the difference between good touching and bad tougching...if she says yea...then ask her to explain the difference to you to see that she really understands. You need t make her understand that no one touches her private area, and that if someone does then she needs to tell someone right away. Like Mommy or Daddy, or a teacher.

Check out this book - The mother's guide to sex : enjoying your sexuality through all stages of motherhood / Anne Semans and Cathy Winks

There is a section in it on how, and when, to talk to kids about sexuality and sex...including what they need to know at what ages! EXCELLENT!!