How do you cope with knowing you couldn't keep a death bed promise?

Losing someone who is close to you is always difficult, but when it is a parent and one who has not lived what we would call a full lifetime it has to be extremely difficult . I feel really sorry for you and send lots of hugs and good wishes. Grief is a natural reaction after death of a loved one and you are grieving right now. That is OK, and you may go though other emotions as you realize all the implications of no longer having your mother in your life. However, do not beat yourself up because of her death. It was not your fault, I am sure the medical profession did everything they could for her. It was her time to go, we do not know why, nor can any of us do anything to change that. From what you said you did not break your promise to your mother. You were strong you did what you said you would do, you were there with her supporting her, and helping her give up her life. Many, many daughters could not have stood by their mother during this time as they would have had to leave the room and not witness this event. You were strong, you took your mother to the doorstep and passed her on. That is what she wanted, you, her daughter to hold her hand to be with her, to make as much of the journey with her as you possibly could. You did not leave her alone, you did not try to push her as the other relatives did, you stood tall, while you may not have said so with words, your actions said "mother I am here with you, you do not have to do this on your own, you and I are going to do this together, I have your hand and am holding on as long as you need me". You were the support your mother wanted, you did not let her down. Now, naturally, you are sad, you are lonely, and you feel somehow you did not do everything you could for your mother. This is not so, and you know it, but your other emotions have taken over for now, but as your world opens up again you can be proud of yourself for the strength you showed your mother, and the comfort you gave her. She gave you life, and wants you to live your life to the fullest, your last actions with her showed her you are truly the daughter she expected, and she left life very proud of you. One thing you might want to do when the guilt, sorrow, and flashbacks hit you is write a letter to your mother - tell her what you are thinking, how difficult it is remembering the final seconds with her, what a difficult time you are having with your own life now that she is gone because you want to be sure you were holding on with her. Tell her you are sorry your could not do more for her, but you are know going to get your life back together so that you can continue in her memory to be the daughter she turned to at the end. You may have to write several letters to really express all of your feelings, that is OK your mother will understand. Also don't be afraid to find a therapist you can talk to. Your mother doesn't want you to ruin your life because of her death. Press on and be proud of your part in helping your mother peacefully pass over, if you had not been there holding her hand it may not have been so peacefully. Good luck to you, you sound like an exceptional daughter who shared a lot of love with her mother.

I understand how you feel, not by experience but by seeing my mother go through the same thing. She was 12 when her mother died from lung cancer. My mother was also there when her mother took her last breathe and her mothers last wish was not to forget her and my mom didnt at first. She became very depressed and over a while she became better. I also suffered from depression just resontly as well. All i can say is get out of the house. Do things because if you dont you'll go crazy. Take the anti depressants because they will help i didnt take medication for depression and now i suffer from depresonalization. I promise you that life will go on and you'll be happy. Just block it out for a while. Cry just let it out scream do anything and little by little you'll forget that memory and you'll be able to on your own terms begin remembering her and that memory of her on her death bed wont seem so bad.

You might think it was wrong for you to see your mother die but atleast you know she went peacefully without pain. My mother always regretted it because she was asleep when her mother passed and she always says that the one thing she hates the most was letting her die alone, even though she was there she wasnt awake to say goodbye.

Eventually you will feel better, and then you'll feel guilty for not still grieving. It's a vicious cycle. I don't think it has to do with that you couldn't keep your promise because it sounds like you did, but more with that you saw your mom die, and that is traumatic. My best friend was a missing person for a week before they found her body. She ended up being brutally murdered. It was so hard especially the week she was missing because no one knew if she was ok or not. I know it is hard to deal with, and there are some things that will never get better. It's been two years and still if the weather is overcast all I can think of is images of her body because it was overcast when they found her. So keep your head up cause when it rains it pours. Also you should probably try to take the medication for awhile.

I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent or sibling is very hard to deal with. You held on...there is nothing that you should feel guilty about. If you are in deep grief depression then maybe you should consider taking the meds. They will help you get back at a normal level in life. I would not be ashamed to take the meds.

God Bless.

Your mom wanted you to hold on. Not to hold on to the memory of her dying, but to hold on to your memories of her.

My father just passed away in February, and the memories come at me so hard sometimes (like right now I am bawling my eyes out). The night he died, I knew he was having problems, but I let my fear of my husband getting a little mad at me bring me home -- so I wasn't there to see him go. I regret that I wasn't able to be there to help him go on to the next life.

When you see her taking that last breath in your mind, try to remember your promise to hold on, and find a different memory to hold on to. If you have videos or pictures from her life, try looking at those and remembering those memories. Take a picture from a good time to bed with you and when you can't sleep, go back to that time.

Also, don't be afraid to take meds or sleeping pills for a SHORT time if your doctor thinks this will help. Not getting sleep will make things worse.

Days will come where the pain is not so "in your face", and that will be good. Talk about it more to others. Sharing the grief will help.

oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I think taking med's would be a good idea. No they wont make you all better, but it just helps you do daily things that you have to do (get up, shower, eat). You kept your promise. You stayed by your mom's side and loved her, and that's all she would ever want from you. She will always be with you. I don't know if you're religious or not. I'm spiritual, and I believe she can see you right now. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel and that you miss her and will always love her. It might help just to say it out loud.

Are you saying that by "holding on" you would have prevented her from "going on" or dying? No way - you are not that powerful. If she just wanted you there to the last breath, then you have fulfilled the promise. If by "holding on" you mean your mother wanted you to hold on to your life - which you are now loosing control over because of your depression - they you can keep that promise - you just need time to grieve your loss and quit displacing your grief with your sense of self inflicted guilt. Do you really think your mother wanted to leave you suffering? She had to be telling you to go on - hang on - with your life.

You do not need to do this alone... if you want something that is not mainstream but really works I would suggest you try energy therapy. Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a drug free therapy that really helps with depression and grief etc. and it is something that you can learn to do for yourself so you are not always having to go visit a therapist.

You can download a free manual from the EFT site and get more info from these sites below.

Hang in there... it is not easy to deal with losing your mom...

You did what she asked and held on for her. You held on to her up until her last breath which is noble, courageous, and loving. She would not want you to hurt so much now so take the meds until the depression wears off some. There is no stigma, no embarrassment in doing that to make you get back on track for your own life. Your mom would not want you to hurt like you are.

If I may be so bold as to offer some encouragement, my story is this. My father died 26 years ago at a point in our lives when we were finally getting to really know and appreciate each other. He travelled with his job for many years. Just about the time I was bonding with him, he died suddenly. I was in shock for about 2 years. I didn't have the option of meds back then.

Over the years, I was mad, sad, frustrated, angry at God, at him for dying on me. It has affected me in ways I probably don't even realize. I finally found peace in a marriage counsellor's office one day when my wife suggested that I find "closure." I said bullshit, I am not closing anything because I talk to him everyday about how to be a good father, how to figure out how to fix things around the house, how to explain the millions of questions my kids have for me. There is no way I want closure for I still have a bond, a connection that no one will make me close. After shouting and sobbing words to that effect out that day, I finally found peace with myself, with God, with my father.

You had the special opportunity to be there at your mother's final breath. I find you courageous because I don't know if I could do that. You did for your mother what she asked of you. God then relieved her suffering on Earth so she could be at peace. She would want that peace for you. If not meds, seek out counselling from a priest or therapist. Do not be afraid to let it all out and grieve, but fight like hell to regain what your mom would have wanted for you...a wonderful life.

I am sorry for your loss, I empathize with you, and I hope you can grieve the death of your mom but also begin to heal yourself by whatever means. Don't ever "close" your memories of her, fo she will provide inspiration and strength to you if you chat with her each day. Hang in there.

Its part of the grieving. It will take a very long time to get over someone this close to you and be ok with yourself once again and its understandable to feel the way you do. Please right some coping skills down that might be benefitial to you. Stay with someone close to you a relative or a friend until you get over this hill and start to feel better. Please remember right now though you need to take care of number one and thats you. I will be thinking of you.