What to do when your daughter and new son-in-law treat you terrible, and I was so good to them?

Obviously there is a lot more to this story and a bit hard to get into.

But the first thing is, if she is old enough to get married and have a baby, then it's her husband that should be in the room with her when she gives birth. Unless you are invited in, I think the birth of a child is a private thing between the parents. The only way I would have anyone else in the room other than my husband would be if for some strange reason he couldn't be there.

Secondly, it seems you don't have much control over your daughter anyway. Married? Expecting a baby at 18? That is simply ridiculous and a waste of a teen life. You obviously felt her slipping away and have tried to overcompensate by buying everything for them. Seems like her husband has cottoned on to this and is taking everything he can get for nothing. STOP trying to buy them. She has taken on board all this responsibility that she clearly cannot handle without her Mum doing all the work for her, so let her do it on her own. When she can't cope and her and hubby have no money left he will dump her and she will come running back to you. Just keep your arms open waiting for it. Until then, get on with your life and take a back seat.

I know you want to be there for your daughter. But perhaps SHE would like it to be just her and her husband in the delivery room. I know I didn't want a huge audience when I was having my kids. My mother in law thought I was being selfish not to let her in...but hey it's a private time. I was more than happy to have her visit after the baby was born and I was feeling better. Wait by the phone for the call that you are a Grandma. Then spoil your grand child rotten! Now is not the time to force her to take a stand...a new baby is stressful enough. But be there to support her and help her out while she finds her way in her new role as "Mother". The big thing is to let them as a couple find out how this baby is going to fit into their lives and establish a family rythm. Perhaps your new son in law is a bit scared about being a father and doesn't want to risk someone telling him he's not good at it. Think back on when you first had your daughter and how insecure you can feel. It's the same for the fathers. The fact that he is with her is one sign that he does care.

I know this was kind of rambling...but I hope it helped.

Like I said just be there for them and your new grandchild. It will all work out.

Ok, maybe I have a different take on the situation then others, I left home against my mom's wishes and married at 19, baby at 20. My mother blamed my husband for ruining our relationship too. But what she couldn't see is that... she ruined it by not letting go! She hated him deep down for taking me away from her. We were very close, even best friends when I lived at home. She just could not accept that I had grown up and married, and was a mom myself. She drove a rifft between us so deep that we never fully regained our closeness.

What makes me think that you maybe on the same path is the early statement that you made " left before I was done with my chores of being a mother" It sounds bitter, that you resent her leaving you. You are NEVER done being a mother, but you must accept that the role changes, and how we NEED our mothers changes. She needs you, but as an adult, not as a child. Spending lots of money will not buy you a spot in their life. You must work to show that you see them BOTH as adults. Be very carful. The rift could cause you to loose contact with your grandchildren. It sounds like her husband has had enough. You should talk to your daughter, alone, and be open to hear some hard truths. Don't blame the son-in-law, would you not consider its your daughter thats pulling away?

Don't let the same distance get between you and your daughter. My mother died in 05 and what I mourned the most was the chance we would never have to fix things.

I know it's hard, but try to give them space. They're young, newly married AND having a baby--there's a lot of stress and hormones there to be dealt with. It's healthy for them do deal with things as a couple. The only family member allowed in during my labor and delivery was my husband. My mother and I are very close, but it was mine and my husband's child being born and we felt it was important to have some "family bonding time" with just the 3 of us. I have no idea why they wouldn't want you at the hospital to see your grandchild after (s)he is born, but I have heard of other people who feel that way. As difficult as it is, try to apologize for being overbearing or intrusive (even if that's not the case, it seems like they may think it is). Tell them you're there for them (the husband too) and would like to help them and see your grandchild when they're ready and on their terms. An apology for whatever they may think you've done (or are doing) would be a good way to attempt getting on the right track with them. I know she's your little girl, but she's his wife now...and that can come first but still allow you to have a close relationship.

I know it's possible b/c I'm doing it right now. When I was pregnant I was afraid my mother would be controlling and around ALL the time once my husband was born, so I pushed her away a little and tried to set boundaries before I needed too. Oh and she didn't like my husband when we first started dating, but years later, things are much better. In fact, I just got back from visiting my parents (with my son) while my husband stayed home b/c he has to work. Things can improve.

Good luck!

I can understand wanting to be there for the birth but your daughter is no longer your little girl. She has gotten married, is now ready to have a child and you need to be there for her by not interferring in her marriage. She knows that you have been there her whole life but she is starting another one that isn't going to have you as the center of it. If you want her to have a successful marriage, let her husband "doctor" her now. That is the healthy way to do things now.

Let her go without telling her all that mess about being there for her even when her husband leaves her. It would sound as if you believe it's a matter of time before they break up. If you had been saying that to her or them it might explain why they don't want you there. Be positive in what you say to them. They probably hear all the time they will never make it. You are just going to have to be supportive and cut the purse strings. A question I have is this, did you do all those things for them because they asked you to or did you do it for yourself? Did you want to make sure they felt indebted to you and since you have done all those things you should make decisions for them. Do things because you want to help but ask first and let them try to make an honest attempt to make it as a family now.

It must be hard for you but your daughter has chosen her path, just be there for her and now your grandbaby. Let her see by actions what the truth is.

But, absolutely do not confront her at the birth. You will just destroy any chances of reconciling later. Do not listen to those other people advising you to do that. It's just going to make you look crazy and selfish. The time of her giving birth to her child should not center around your feelings.

Not laying the blame on you at all , but here is a scenario. Perhaps you were having trouble letting go of your daughter you hovered, made nice, did everything possible to ingratiate yourself into their lives. While from an outside perspective it seems like your a great and caring mom ,it can be that maybe you have been a bit overbearing and having a hard time accepting your new role as grandma. He may be trying to push you out so they can make a life for themselves.

I'm not saying you should miss out on the birth of your grandbaby , keep in mind that some hospitals limit the number of people who can be in the birthing room and it may well be him or you under those circumstances. Frankly , than it's got to be him. Would your husband have stepped aside so your mother could hold your hand while you were giving birth to his daughter ...probably not.

Wait in the waiting room if you must and give your daughter your support from there until you can get in to see them.

If your daughter has a backbone, however, and this guy is just trying to isolate her from her family to be selfish etc..than you need to boost her self esteem and not harp on the bad choice she made in a husband. That route will backfire most deffinitely.

Lastly you may just have a doughter who is all take and no give. I suggest modifying your behaviour to mirror hers. When she asks you to babysit , buy diapers formula etc fight your instincts to give in . When she confronts you on your behavior simply state , well you've acted like that to me and I took it now if you want me to act like a nice mommy to you act like a nice daughter to me.

Good Luck

I dont think any mother should be there if the husband is. Try to stop thinking of her pain and start thinking of a tiny new baby and what fun you will have with the baby. They are a couple and need to have this private time for the birth. It is what you should want: for your child to be independent of you. I dont know the reasons why he said what he did about if you are there he wont be; but try to figure out why he would say that. I mean if there was anything you did that could have caused him to say that, then now is the time to straighten things out and improve the situation while everyone will be so happy about the new baby. It gives us a new reason to lay down old prejudices and start anew. When you call and congratulate them, maybe you could speak to him and ask if there could be a truce and start over? Congratulations

he sounds very abusive and controlling.

First of all, you need to stop buying them things. It's time for both of them to grow up. i'm sure this guy won't be a good provider, so your daughter will come to her senses soon, lets hope-stop buying things! Don't be a door mat, be strong for your daughter.

Are his parents going to be there? If they are, you should go to the waiting room, when they ask why you're not in there, you tell them-hopefully, they taught the little bstard shame. Nothing makes people behave like shame-call his folks if you have too. Get some support on this! Do you have any other family members to support you?

He thinks he can push you around-you push that little SOB right back!!! A bully is a bully untill you push back, then they crumble. Stand up for yourself, take someone with you and go to the hospital.

Im almost 21 and going through some stuff with my mom aswell. Although its not the same situation as yours. What I see in your situation is that she loves you and her husband is trying to push you out of their lives. For whatever reason, good or bad, right or wrong. he doesnt want you there. And in no way should he have said its me or her in the hospital because your her mom, alot of times the husband and mom are at odds because they both love the daughter and the mother was always there now the husband is and the key is to find balance for the wife.

I would say, go to the hospital, wait for the baby, if he wants to leave, then he can leave, im sure your daughter wants you there, and that her husband is just being selfish!

I like the advice above, "let her go so you can get her back." I think parents and kids just stay too close following childhood today. It's healthier to be AWAY from eachother. Of course it's all fine if the family is like Ozzie and Harriet and there are those types of families out there, but outside of that, I just see very little good coming from living in the same town, same area, Mom's always there scenario. But given your scenario, there is no solution, as there is no reason for the negative attitude from your son in law.