Question about adopted children?

you're a very thoughtful, caring, and honorable person. she's only 2. you're getting too worried. if someone ask if she's yours, if you learn to be positive about it, so will your child. if you get angry, she will too. make a joke of it.

never talk badly about the other mom. if there are some negatives, she will figure it out. be real. treat her as you would your own sister. watch what you say about her. don't put ANYONE on a pedestal. i teach my child to watch what a person does, not what they say. actions speak louder than words.

this culture is screwy when it comes to adoption. we can have more than one brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grandparents... but GOD FORBID, THERE CAN'T BE 2 mom's. in other some other cultures there are more than one. the other one is obviously the first / natural mom. you would be "mom" or whatever floats everyone's boat. it will come naturally and the child will come up with the name. they do for the grandparents.

everything is fine and you're doing a great job. i applaud you for honoring your agreement with the first mom. most don't.

best wishes.

You've been given some great replies here.

I do also agree that you should forever stop the talk about what you did when you raised her. All parents have to do those things. Get on with the job - and NEVER NEVER make her have to be grateful.

It was never her plan to be taken from her mother - and placed with complete strangers.

You and her first mother chose that life path. Please do not make your daughter be indebted to any of you for that.

I will direct you to adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic...

Read as many as you can. It is there - if you read with an open heart and mind - that you will find many of the answers to the questions you seek.

Your little adoptee WILL have some issues over her losses.

Children WANT to stay with their mummies. The mummies they grew inside of for 9 months - the mummies that they are biologically linked to - forever.

You can't take that loss away.

But allowing your daughter full and open contact - and allowing her to talk about and ask questions about her adoption - are ways in which you will lesson the pain of the losses.

Please also be aware - that adoptees learn from a very young age - how to please everyone around them. They fear rejection - so they'll do all that they can to tell you what you want to hear.

Be open, be compassionate, love her with all of your heart.

Good luck. I wish you all well.

in the previous finding out what problems if any come alongside with adopting in the previous or after having your very own, you're able to desire to evaluate the problems that come alongside with adopting finished provide up. You and your husband at the instant are not on the comparable internet site, organic and organic start to you isn't important yet adoption is - why? organic and organic start is important on your husband - back why? no remember if that's that important will he be waiting to be an independent father or will he favour the biologically born one? till you answer those questions, conversations surrounding which order to have toddlers in should not be going on in any respect.

An adopted child is not a gift or a blessing...an adopted child is a human being.

My advice, don't tell her she is "special", or was "chosen", everyone always thinks that will make the adopted child feel so good about themselves.

In actuality, it's way to much freaking pressure to put on a kid to have to live up to being the "special, chosen, precious, darling, blessed gift", and that your "Biological" mother loved you SO MUCH, that she gave you away....

uh, yeah, that makes so much sense to a little kid....not.

The truth of the matter is that YOU wanted a kid to fulfill YOUR needs, and the Bio parents gave the kid up to fulfill THEIR needs. The poor kid had no say in it, and you should spend the rest of your lives acknowledging this fact to her in order to validate why she's not entirely as ecstatic as everyone thinks she should be about the situation. This may help her get over the wound of having been given away.

And, yes, I was adopted. And, yes, I am bitter so bring on all the thumbs down...you're all in denial.

Thanks for caring about her inner life. Too many adoptive parents refuse to acknowledge it.

Here's what you said:

"i've seen people on here use terms like real parents and even one person say of course someone's husband wants children of HIS own and NOT someone elses. she is my real daughter, we are her real parents. i am the one that went through colic with her, kiss her boo boo's right now and at her age she doesn't know any different"

I am one of the people who has said that about husbands. That is actually the truth, not an opinion. Most men want children that they are biologically related to. Adoption is driven by women. You DH might be an exception, and therefore in the minority.

You sound like a mom who's trying. But I gotta tell ya, in my experience I have never heard natural parents whine about the JOB as much as I hear APs. "I had to stay up with them because of the colic, ear infections, school projects, had to sew their costumes, do the school project." Yada yada.

PLEASE do not weigh her down with that garbage. You signed up for this job--remember? You CHOSE it. Her only way to pay you back is by the pleasure of her company--and that's all she should OWE you.

Just as you wouldn't complain to your boss, "Yeah, well I'm the one who has to do x, y, AND z. They might remind you that that is your job.

No one owes their parents anything--adopted or not.

And you're right, right NOW she doesn't know any different, but she will, I assure you.

Again, thanks for caring enough to ask.

Okay first off-never ever call your daughter a gift! I so resent that term. Being adopted i personally feel that i wasnot a gift. instead i feel that my birth mother made a choice to provide the best life possible in her way. She chose two people that would provide my physical needs and also emtional needs. My adoptive mother too always spoke highly of my birth mother. i didn't have an open adoption in the terms you have described above. In my open adoption i just knew who she was, who my other family members were. She couldn't have many visits because of the lifestyle she was living at the time. but we did live in a small town, so when she saw me in my stroller my adoptive mom would let her come over and see me. if any of my other realtives came along my adoptive mom would let them see me. You need to tell her that her mom made a choice that was hard but she wanted the most for her and circumstances in her life did not allow her to do this at this time. explain to her that does not mean in any means that her mother loved her less or does not love. Re-assure her of her mother's love. Of course there will still be times were your daughter will be dealing with alot of emtions as we normally do being adopted. Just be there for her and encourage open communciation with her. You will not always understand why she feels this way-but having that honest and open communciation will allow her to express her feelings.

Glad I saw this one on here:) We adopted our daughter from our necie.For now our daughter knows her as an aunt. When the time is right we will tell her how she bcame our daughter. Maybe you can do the same.Right now, a two year old no matter how smart she may be, doesnt know. So,maybe you can call her an aunt until she is older and you can tell her how she became your daughter and REMEMBER that no matter what goes on in your life our hers, YOU are THE MOM!!!!!!!!!! And dont pay attention to people on her. Sometimes you get answers that are way out of line. :):):)

Ok..

My son calls me Mom and his birthmother Mama We started out with " Mama X" but when he was two he started calling everyone by their first names, and I don't feel that that is apropriate for a child, so we agreed on " Mama" and "Mommy"

You can help her with her abandonment issues by allowing her to keep in contact with her other family, letting her ask questions where she will get first hand answers, and NEVER lying or guessing.

Family members should direct her to you.. " That's a question I don't know the answer to.. you'll have to ask your mom." unless it's a basic question like " do you know where I came from?" in which case, see the above answer.

YES. There is a huge difference between always speaking with love and honesty about her mom, and putting her on a pedestal.

It's not bad to keep people from maligning your daughter's other mom, but if you disagree with choices she is making , it is important to be clear with your daughter about that as she gets older.

Feeling good about herself is something she will have to do for herself. you can help, but don't over do it. sometimes kids wonder who you are trying to convince.. them or yourself?

Those idiots in the grocery store? the answer is "of course she is."

"real" how I hate that word. Ain't NONE of us imaginary, folks!

I was also adopted to my parents at birth and grew up having a book called "Mr Fairweather and his friends" read to me. It is about a couple who adopt two children because they couldn't have kids of their own. (But it is in terms that kids could understand) It was a great help and felt a natural part of growing up with it.

I also had any questions answered that I might ask and it was all kept VERY open. So I always felt VERY loved.

When I met my biological mother it felt natural to call her by her first name and she agreed to this. I have fairly regular contact with her still, but, my parents will never be replaced because I love them dearly and feel very lucky that they have always been very open with me about my adoption.

I hope that this might help somehow.

Your daughter is very lucky to have aprents like you.

Ok...first of all, I commend you on having an open adoption, it is something I cannot have (because my children were adopted through foster care) because of their birth mother's consistent poor choices.

Simple explanations for a 2 year old will suffice.

Where did I come from? You were born in my heart, but you came from X's tummy.

Who is my mom? I am your mom, but X is your birth mom.

What do I call her? If X is fine with being called X, then let it stay X. I think referring to her as her birth mother this early would confuse her.

Why didn't X keep me? X loved you so much, and realized she couldn't take care of you like she wanted you to be when she had you, so she asked us to become your parents because we were able to be the best parents for you at the time. You have always been loved and wanted by X and us.

As for putting birth mom on too high of a pedestal. Only you know what X has gone through...and while you should never focus on the negative, eventually (more likely 10 and upwards) she'll want to know more about why she was given away. If you still have a positive relationship with X, then let X explain, it is her story to tell.

I hope any of this has been helpful to you.