My REAL dad called[haven't talked to him in 10 years] i don't know whether to talk to him or not can you help?

You know what? I am a single mother of a 14 year old boy myself. He has never met his father. For many years he would ask me about him, and I ....like your mom didn't have the best things to say, although I tried to keep that to myself. I just told him it didn't work out between us and it had nothing to do with him as I'm sure the case is with you. I think it's wonderful he calls you and I'm sorry your family is so negative about him. That choice should be yours to make. I know if my sons father came around I too would be hesitant for them to meet, but I think it's important too that a child meet his parent and make up his own mind him. Even curiousity is a reason to meet him, see what he looks like, do you look like him, do you have his manerism's you'll always wonder if you don't meet with him, BUT your mother needs to know. Don't ever take off and meet him w/out your mom's permission. Do you have reason to be mad??? YOu sure do, and you have the right to tell him so too. It's sooo sad for a young boy to grow up w/out their dad, there were times I could see it broke my son's heart and it would kill me inside too just to see him hurt. Maybe you should just try telling your mom about the calls and see what she says, maybe after this long she won't be so negative about him. I can remember class projects in grade school where they wanted "dads" participation in it and it would make me so mad. It's brought up over and over to a child when they don't have a parent around and it is very painful. It couldn't hurt to say hi, and ask him what you've wondered about for so long, but always remember your mother loves you and has done her best for you, she is the star here in the picture not dad......but you will always wonder if you don't get to know some things about him. My son's father has never called or made any attempt to meet him, and I hate him for that.....he'll never know what a great kid he missed out on.

Go with your heart, but please let your mom know, she has spent a lot of her life giving to you, and loving you, so remember that:)

I'm in the same situation. Keep in mind that the kids don't know they've been manipulated. Because of their ages, they're not yet able to see that thier mom isn't always right about everything. Buy them gifts, but don't spend a ton of money on them. The point is to let them know that no matter what they do, you and your husband love them and want to treat them like the family members they are. Take the high road at all times and do the right thing by the kids. Once they are adults, they will either figure out you aren't so bad and start participating in your lives, or they will terminate the relationship. But don't terminate it for them just because you are frustrated and hurt. Again - they don't know that they've been alienated...

This is a difficult question that deserves a well thought out answer.

There are so many things that at your age, you may not know about the situation. Many times, parents keep the details of things to themselves, not wanting to burden their children with "too much information".

If your father's only fault is that he couldn't get along with your mother, give him a chance. However, if they split up because he had a drug problem, or was violent or abusive, then you may want to consider the situation more carefully and make sure that he has gotten help for the problem before getting involved.

It sounds like he doesn't get along with anyone in your family, so it's hard to ask them for advice. I suggest making an appointment with your school counsellor, and telling them what you wrote here. They may even be able to help you set up a safe place to meet where you could have adult supervision for your first meeting.

My husband never met his father, and his father has since passed away. My husband spent many years being angry at his father for not wanting to be in his life. You have a chance that some people never get - to meet and know your father - but if you don't feel ready yet, that's OK too.

No matter what you do, please don't do it secretly - tell your mother that you want to meet your father. Don't just do it behind her back. Either way it's your decision, but your mother would be very hurt and worried if she found out you met him without telling her first.

Good luck, and much happiness to you...

I think you should talk to him. I disagree with those that say you should tell him how much he hurt you etc., there is no value in doing that. Forgiveness is HUGE for your mental well-being. FORGIVE. Don't worry about what to say, you guys will either get along or you won't, have a good conversation, or not, and there is no way to know ahead of time. I suppose you could say you have reasons to be mad, but really, what is the value in that? He is having a "moment" in his life whereby he realizes how important YOU are, he has a sense of responsibility at some level, YOU mean a lot to him and he wants to interact. Forgive him, don't be mad, it's already happened and can't be undone, and you may possibly find a great friend and father for life.

No, you're not being mean.. I think you should tell your mom he has called you.. and ask her if it's okay just to talk to him. If she says no, respect that... she has a reason. But if you NEED to talk to him, call him and then tell her you two talked. It kinda happened to me, my dad called from Rehab (for drugs) and my mom and everyone said not to talk to him...he had a restraining order against him as well, but I picked it up, and talked to him... apparently he got in trouble, but I was glad I talked to him. He's back and okay now though..you talk to him, DONT GET MAD! It will make things worse... So don't show that you're mad...

If you call, say "Hello [name], it's your daughter. Have you been calling? Sorry I have never picked up, I've been really nervous and things... I just never know what to say to you..." And such... tell him how you feel... But don't be mean about it... If you are mad, tell him, but just say "I am mad at you, because..." calmly... not "I CANT BELIEVE YOU DID THIS TO ME" or something.

If you decide not to call, from the looks of it, he'll call again, maybe you'll be ready by then... Eventually, you're probably going to have to talk to him.. better sooner than later...

Email for more help... Good luck!

I would listen to what he has to say. Maybe your mom didn't tell him that you were around 'til you were four and he already had a family, or maybe she said you weren't his, or maybe he was a drug addict, or maybe... Only he can give you his side of the story and you can decide what you want to do from there. All you know is he has not called much or made much effort to be in your life by being a dad.

you need to follow your heart -yes it is very difficult at your age -understandablly so- i wouldnt say your being mean - you cant feel guilty for what he has done -but the fact that he is calling you is a good start -i was in a similar situation -only i was 7 -and didnt hear from him at all for many years ,and i held a grudge - for many -years -he wanted to start off again where we left off --it doesnt go that way -my mom tried to poison me against him,which wasnt the right thing to do either -my father and i do have a relationship now but its very strained -we will never get along -perfectly -but at least we are talking -my parents supposedly split mutually -i still dont believe it to this day -you need to go on your gut instinct-dont do anything for anyone but you-its your life -if your ok with talking to him -then thats ok -if your not -thats ok too-but dont let others put you in a situation -you need to decide for yourself -because your the one that ultimately has to live with your decision-i have been in your shoes -and i know how difficult it is for you -i dont have any regrets now- because i did what i thought was right ---good luck to you and best wishes

There are always more than one side to a story. Obviously because you are underage, you do need your mom's permission before you do anything.

Yes it could be that your mom hasn't been honest with you because of being hurt by your dad for leaving her or it could be that she knew things about your dad that she felt would not be good for you to know.

And it is quite understandable that your grandparents would be upset with him -- after all your mom was their little girl.

But it is also possible, that regardless of anything in the past, your dad truly loves you and wants to be a part of your life -- whether he has wanted it all along and your mom wouldn't allow it -- or he has changed and is realizing his mistakes and wants to make things right.

He will never be able to make up for all the hurt he has caused your mom, your grandparents and you. But if he truly has changed and is willing to do whatever it takes to become a part of your life -- then you should give him the opportunity.

Sit down with your mom 1st --- tell her how you feel - tell her how much you love her and you understand that she was hurt and your grandparents were hurt by what your dad did, but that he is still your dad and you would like the opportunity to be able to sit down with him and speak with him one on one and after that, you would like to sit down with both him and her together without any fighting -- no one can change the past, but you can move into the future.

Remember your mom and dad were both very young themselves and they made their own mistakes in both of their lives. Your grandparents also have had their share of mistakes in their lives. And as you grow up and go throughout your life, you are going to make many mistakes yourself. We all do -- none of us are perfect.

You have been hurt by this and you need to tell your dad how his not being a part of your life has made you feel-it's ok to be mad and to tell him that. You need to let you mom know how you feel -- don't hide anything from her. Remember, she loves you.

I will be praying for you and your family.

you should meet him at least once. remember he was young also. your mom might hate him but if she wants whats best for you she will allow you to meet and get to know your dad. if after you meet you can decide whether you want to have a relationship with him or not. you don't mention if you have a step-father or whether your mom raised you herself. i had kind of the same situation but mine was reversed. i didn't meet my mom until i was 15. i was told all kinds of bad things about her but i had to meet her and learn for myself what she was like. it took me 25 years to realize that my dad was right but if i hadn't met her myself i would have always wondered. tell your mom that he's called and you'd like the opportunity to meet him and see if you want a relationship with him. good luck. i'd be curious to know how things work out if you like you can e-mail me. just know i'm a 49 year old grandmother not some perv.

That's a tough call... do what you think is right. remember: you only live once, make the most of it.