Does anyone else hate the "This has always bugged me." fight?

In my house we call that a "kitchen sink" fight, as in, throwing in everything including the kitchen sink about everything that's ever ticked you off instead of staying focused on the immediate issue.

Some people get off on nursing grudges or storing up minor "offenses" for ammunition when they decide it's time to have a fight. And then it isn't about resolving a problem at all . . . they just see and use it as their big opportunity to harsh on you. It's also about power, because as long as they are silently "suffering" from your "misbehavior" you will forever be walking on eggshells wondering if you've "done something" that they are now stewing on and will let you have it at a later time, to be decided by them. The whole point of this kind of behavior is for that person to feel "right." You'll never be right; you will always lose in this case, and that makes them feel bigger or as though they have the control in the relationship.

A loving and thriving relationship has the wisdom to let go of little things, and not keep score. As the Bible says, "Love is patient and gentle. Love is kind. Love is never proud or boastful. It does not insist on its own way." If this person would rather concentrate on Being Right and hanging on to minor slights, they are not acting out of love.

You may want to let them know that you won't allow them to walk on you by storing up minor things from the distant past to use against you. Call it like it is, and their game is up. I am willing to bet they will simmer down once they are called on this sort of behavior. If it happens again, stand your ground and do what you can to refocus their attention to the matter at hand, and say that you can talk about the other things separately, but not now. If they continue, remind them that you are not their emotional punching bag.

Good luck and God bless . . .

I don't hate it. It is going to come out sooner or later anyway. I don't think it is just a way to deflect the fact that they are "wrong" in the present argument. They may be the ones who are right and you're the one who's wrong in the argument after all.

Different people have different personalities. You are the type who will bring something up right then. Another person won't because they don't want to bother you, or they think the issue that is upsetting them is small and so they let it go. There are many reasons why someone would just brush something under the rug rather than start a confrontation.

But there's only so much that someone can take and sooner or later they are going to blow and all these things that they never got off their chests are going to come back to bite you or your behind.

I don't think there should be a statute of limitations on past offenses. People need to be held accountable for their actions. At the same time, it would be a good compromise if they would tell you when something is bothering then when it happens.

I suggest you all have a nice talk about this when neither one of you are pissed off and tell them that you wish they'd bring up things that bother them when they bother them instead of holding it for a later date. Then perhaps you can ask them why they let it fester.

Classic example of bad communication. People don't communicate their feelings and they let them build up and fester, until they blow up at you and out comes every little petty thing that they've been thinking about and not talking about for a year! Communicate, people! Avoid the fight!

Oh yes. My darling husband and I just had a conversation about this very thing last night.

He lets things build up, keeps a mental list, and then just lets it all come out at once...or will be mad about me for one thing and bring up something else. I hate when people can't stick to one subject when fighting..Argh!

You must be talking about me. Yes I admit it, I pull that stunt when I fight with the fiance. But its hard because if I try to tell him about it when he does it, he gets all snotty with me & tells me its no big deal yadda yadda yadda. I can't help the way I am!