How should I respond?

oh good lord.

now you know how adoptees feel about the dumb questions:)))

("gee, aren't you lucky you weren't aborted!!!" as if that has anything to do with adoption????!!!)

xooxox

I can tell this is something that is bothersome to you. I know you are very knowledgable when it comes to the topic of adoption and I love your posts. So, don't take the following the wrong way (I'm on your side!) :). You need to understand that the rest of the world just DOESN'T understand and probably will never. They don't know the proper way to ask or don't take the time to think about how to ask whatever it is they're making talk about. I'll give you an example: I have a name that is not super common, but is one that everyone has heard of, however, my mom decided to spell it just slightly differently than the typical spelling. It's easy to read, but throws people off, and they assume it's mispelled and pernounced a different way. My entire life I've been correcting people on how to pernounce my name....teachers, nurses, anyone and everyone (it seemed). It used to drive me nuts! Finally, after many years I decided it's not worth getting upset about and just accepted the fact that people are too quick to take the time to actually READ my name - and assume it's spelled incorrectly, so they mispernounce it. In this way, I understand that you are frustrated with people's wording and questions when it comes to your daughter. Especially in the instance when it was written down and the doctor didn't read it (again, people are too quick and too busy). Even though it's annoying and insulting the way that the questions are being worded, this far into the game you know what people "mean" - and although it might not seem like it, some people genuinly are interested (just don't have the gift of wording things well) so be ready to answer the questions as if they did ask it politically correct. It's taken me almost my entire life to get passed the irritation of people always mispernouncing my name (I mean, how impersonal is that?!) - it's usually a pleasant surprise when a stranger says/spells it correctly! However, once I "got it" that others don't take the time to "get it" - I've been able to put the antimocity behind me, and not let it get to me. It's kindof like how they say you can't change others, but you can change yourself. You are always going to run into poeple that misword their question regarding your daughter, always. It's hard, but once you can decide not to take it personally or become offended, you will be at a lot more ease, and your daughter will grow up understanding from the get go that a lot of people just don't know how to ask their questions correctly, and she'll be prepared to just say that she is of hispanic descent but was actually adopted state side. Hope this helps some.

My boys whom are my bio sons are half Italian. I got thumbs up in the hall at the hospital from 2 black guys with one of them. Asked if I was the neighbor or baby sitter when taking one of them into the hospital for an illness, and asked if I was going to teach them Aribic by an acquaintance that married an Aribic man herself. If I smell something stupid coming I head it off at the pass and say "my kids look just like me don't you think?" My husband is Hispanic and I'm Irish, English and Scotch. Everyone thinks my boys are his. They all have dark features and skin (obviously) and then there's me. If I had filled out a form and was asked that, I would say "Did I forget to fill that part out?" I would also call when your child wasn't around and tell them if after 2 years they can't get a handle on her information maybe you will have to find someone else who can. That you do not see the need to discuss it in front of the child. This can all be done politely and still be very effective. Not to say that you aren't capable of being polite, it has taken me most of my life to learn how.

I'm lost - why can't you just be mature and respond honestly - "my child is Latino from Columbia" or wherever she's from. Why is this such a big deal. Maybe YOU ARE making this into a bigger issue due to your own insecurities. You will need to grow as a person and realize that your child is probably startling; a white Mom (I assume).

Truthfully the MORE it bothers you and the more you STRAIN over it, the more your daughter will sense there is an 'issue' there. When you are nonchalant about it, she will be. Proudly say "she's adopted from Latin America'. Give her PRIDE in being adopted and Latino. Sounds like to me you are a Mom who loves her daughter, but wants to conveniently forget that you can't forget. Also, it sounds like to me YOU are the issue. I'm on your side honestly, but the doctors see so many people today and everyone starts to look alike. If you want a private doctor, then you need to ante up the money!

If you have a PPO and HMO like the rest us, then you will need to get use to being treated like a number; they don't remember anything at my doctor. I have to answer the same questions. Get over it! YES, I'd love for the people not to ask you, but this is NOT reality. LIVE and deal in reality!!!!!

You should be proud that you have a beautiful daughter who can probably pass for both Asian or Latino. Also, if you are the queen of sarcastic, maybe that's why this issue is so 'hot' with you. You need to let go of the anger and embrace peace for the daughter's sake. Since you are NOT hiding that she's adopted and since you are not ashamed of her heritage, THEN what's the problem in answering BOTH questions when asked and lightly saying it and MOVING ON.

MOVE ON! Be a good mother. After she's in your life for about 5 to 10 years, the regulars around you will know she's adopted and then they will forget and move on. The fact that YOU can't move on and be calm means they can't either! Show your daughter that YOU are a woman of character and strength. Show her how PROUD you are of her. Show her how loved she is! Say "Oh, yes this is my beautiful daughter she's adopted from latin america' and MOVE on...You will find more love and admiration in that, than angst and anger. You will find that people will be so interested in that and that you might inspire others to adopt.

I had invitro (36 yr old) and I'm 34 weeks pregnant and yes, some people say "Ah, you're old, why did you wait", while others, 90% say 'Wow, I want to iave kids but can't afford invitro. HOw did you do it'. I've encouraged so many people. I'm not old, so I'm not offended. People are entitled to their thoughts, but because I've spun invitro into such a blessing in my life that's ALL it can ever be. No one can ruin my day w/ an old comment. It's all how you 'frame' comments that people make. I tell 'oh, no baby I'm not old I'm in my season, God's time'. Who can argue w/ honesty and God...so you need to do the same. Find positive responses that EMBRACES the situation instead of trying to bite people's head off as if you are ashamed of your decision to adopt!

Good luck..you're a great Mom I'm sure...

Sometimes with questions like that, I turn the question around. You should see the look on some of the questioners faces when I ask parents with biological children- Do you know who his "real" father is?

Well, one of the unavoidable side effects of adopting transracially is that everyone knows that it is involving adoption, at a glance. People do tend to ask very personal questions because for some reason, they think it is socially okay to ignore the general social rules of interaction when adoption is in the picture.

Most people are simply curious, with no malice or judgement behind their questions. I tend to respond with, "Are you curious/interested in adoption?"

There's always the great stand-by, "Why do you ask?" I use that one for the more rude questions, turning it back on them can give people the opportuity to look at their motives for asking the question in the first place.

Good luck and congrats!

Try to find out why they want to know. For some they may be interested in adoption or know someone who is and they are just looking for information. For others they are just curious especially if they haven't been around anyone who has adopted before. Dr's I understand needing info if they are her Dr's because nationality does affect health sometimes unfortunatly so they need the info but strangers shouldn't ask questions but like I said some do it for information for themselves or others. I know that 5 of the kids in my sons preschool class last year were adopted and while I was curious about the adoption (just because I think adoption is such a great option for so many people) I didn't ask any questions but the parenst were sometimes open to talking so they would mention something then i would ask a question but tried not to be like prying into their lives or anything.

My son's pediatrician could never remember that he was adopted, even though we saw him monthly, and it was on his chart.

He kept telling me that baby was growing too fast, and that I should feed him less. I finally took his birthmom in with me to an appointment . ( she's a full foot taller than I am.)

He stopped harping on the growing too fast, and started harping on " you'll confuse the child"

We found a new Dr.

I would politely state, she is my sweet girl.. why?

If they then ask about asia, ask them politely why they ask?

and state that she is Hispanic.

It doesnt matter but some people dont have manners.

I am Native. You wouldnt know it to look at me. I get asked all the time where the "indians" are... When I state you are talking to one.. they dont believe me.. I even Have an Id Card.

Now My uncle looks Indian, and my mother looks Italian.. explain that one.. well its AMERICA the good old USA. Where natives have blond/brown hair and green eyes, and Hispanic babies look asian... Love it. Educate them with sweetness.

I am sure that she is beautiful.. And her nationality doesnt matter some people are ignorant.

I would ignore the 'where did you get her from?' And just say, "She's Guatemalan." or "She's Dominican". Or whatever nationality she is...

As I heard a man say on TV yesterday about the 'Hispanic vote', the ONLY things Hispanics share is a language. It sounds so generic to say she's 'Hispanic'

If they push, put the onus on them, and say, "What does it matter?" or "Does it make a difference?"

If they really push, which seems unnecessary to me, I'd say, "Maybe we could discuss this on the phone or in private?

Good luck.

Just look at them and say "Excuse me?!?!"

The hard thing about this situation, is how to teach your daughter to respond to this, since she will have to face this in the future too.

Maybe just ask-- "Are you interested in adopting?" and when they say "no" then just explain that you are not interested in explaining it to them.

Unless, she is your blood! My brother gets asked this-- he is very dark complected with 4 white blonde kids. (They get it from their mother obviously!) Not that this helps, but I get asked- "All all those kids yours?" and "Do all of your kids have the same father?" I have 3 kids!!! And, YES they have the same father!!! People will ask stupid things, regardless of what your family looks like!